Defining moments

only you are in control of who you become

We are all humans, even if we try to pretend to not be.

There isn’t one person more perfect than the next. One may have better qualities than another, but to say that someone is better than someone else is false. We are the only ones that can tell us how good we are. We are the only ones that can limit our full potential. Everyone has a history, everyone has some defining moment in their life where if that wouldn’t have happened they would not be where they are today (good place or bad). We decide if we want those moments to define us.

You know when people go through situations such as abuse, rape, and things that someone does to them, we all can agree that we can’t blame the victim. However, there comes a certain point in a victim’s life where they begin acting as the victim, and that is where the victim decides how their life will go. No, you can’t blame a kid for being molested by an adult. Yes, the kid will do certain things in life because they have been messed with, that maybe other kids wouldn’t do. But when that kid becomes of an age where they can decide to play the victim card or stand up for themselves, that is when the real defining moment takes place. It is how they decide to use life experiences.

I would have never become who I am today without going through everything that I did, so in a way I needed those situations to happen to me. In the beginning, and still sometimes now, it’s SO much easier to play the victim card; you don’t have to try so hard to get anything. However, it wasn’t me. Let me explain: someone is born and their life is normal and as they grow up something bad happens in their life and for that time period they are someone who is a victim to something bad, but then that moment ends either ten minutes later or 5 years later, and that someone has a chance to try to be themselves again or someone better than themselves, but continuing to be the victim would mean that they are continuing whatever it is that was done to them. I know it sounds easy to say, and some may think what am I talking about but let me just say that I have been there, done that, and it is no place anyone wants to be.

Most victims don’t realize what was done to them, and in a way it is good and bad. For example, if someone never knew that they were molested they may never understand why they act and react a certain way. However, if that person knew they may be able to control certain scenarios in their life and work on themselves to not let what happened to them control their life. When I finally understood what I went through in life I felt bad for myself, I blamed things that others considered weird on it and didn’t own up to situations that I had full control of. I was letting my abuser control my life further. I was giving everything to him, and in a way, more than what he had actually taken. You see, when someone does something to another person it’s that moment or those years, but what happens after that is in their own hands. Yes, people can say that abused people can’t control themselves, and I agree as well as disagree. Everything that I am aware of I can control and that means so can anyone else. And that also means I can work on everything that I am aware of and that will make the things that I am unaware of either better or come out of hiding. I have it easy, I have someone in my life who knows me and when things don’t seem like myself he helps me realize what I am unaware of. Others may have to spend hours analyzing themselves and their actions to try to figure out what will trigger them and why they react a certain way. I am not saying that I do not do that, I just don’t do it to the extent that others may. However, one thing that I did realize is that I pitied myself and I used that pity to dig myself deeper into the pit I was thrown in. Once I realize I was hurting myself, in a way more than the abuser, I had to stop. It is one thing to have someone mess up your life, it is another thing to continue to ruin your own life. There is always tomorrow. There is always another moment, another chance, to correct, to fix, to grow, to learn, to love. If I stayed where I was consumed by hatred for what had happened to me, consumed by the disgust I felt, I would not be planning my wedding today to a healthy, stable young man.

Don’t let yourself actually become a victim. I know it sounds horrible to say move on but it really is one of the only ways to actually move on. You have to be ready to just put everything all behind you, who cares what happened, who cares why, who cares when. Now is the time to not let it define you, not let it become you. Yes, they did a horrible thing to you but you will do a more horrible thing to yourself by letting what they did actually become you.

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