The positive theory

Not so much a theory as a new idea that has yet to be fully developed. But- I sort of had to snap out of being so snappy (pun 🙃) so I took a look at what was making me bonkers:

I found that I was not communicating my emotions as much and instead was keeping things bottled up and I was not very happy. I also noticed that when I did not have a busy or structured day it made me a bit wired and on edge (it also gave me time to concentrate on the negative things). For example, being busy gave me the ability to forget the nervs in my stomach. I did not concentrate on hum much this pill affects my body. However, I did take notice that when I did not let myself think that the pill was in control of me, I gave myself the ability to be in control of the pill, which is just already a start in controlling your life and feeling more focused.

Taking all of the above into my list of fuzes made it much easier to figure out how to stay happy. No more not knowing tomorrow’s schedule or waiting around for people to decide when and what to do. Having things organized keeps my head and body in the same spot and just gives me a sense of direction. That being taken care of I moved on to the next issue: communication. I always struggles with communicating, especially after being in an abusive relationship. Just today I watched a seven year old perfectly communicate over to his mother how something someone told him hurt his feelings and caused him to be upset for a few minutes. He used many things to describe his pain and what caused it and the scenario. I was amazed, one because I could only now do that and I barely come close to that and two because his mother responded with such affection and love that the boy felt secure telling over his feelings and did not feel as though he could not say them. I may have been deprived of that in my life but I certainly see and am learning what it takes to properly communicate how and what I am feeling and to also listen to what someone complaining has to say and to make them feel secure to tell me. It takes a lot of effort and is not very easy but the results are worth it. So part of me being able to communicate better will mean that I better organize my day so that I have time to discuss and actually think about how I feel. This also will allow me to get a decent nights sleep, which I have not been getting but need very badly.

All that being said I hope to try and continue to be in control of my life, feelings, words, and most importantly, actions. I think I finally have my head on straight and can take this on with a smile and love. ☺️

Your Editor

Airports

What’s your experience?

Before we even got to the airport we had to call United to check in because they played around with our flights and apparently put the baby on its own confirmation number, which makes no sense because the baby can’t sit by itself. Then they told us over the phone, mind you an hour and half wait, that since it is a basic economy ticket we cannot do anything over the phone and they cannot help us. Which makes no sense- how do you sell a ticket that you can’t help anyone with? Most of us get checked in and the rest of us are waiting. We wait in line for a kiosk and then some worker rudely cuts us off the kiosk and starts restarting the kiosk while we are in middle of using it! She then tells us we need to go to another machine and we can’t use this one anymore, why? No explanation, simply because she felt like it. We then wait on another line to get help and finally a nice worker somehow manages to do her job and actually get us checked in to our flight.

Security lines are next. We head there thinking we got this we can make our flight- nope. The Airport closes it’s TSA security lines at 8:30 pm (PRIME TRAVEL TIME!!). It is almost as if the airport and airlines work together to arrange for every situation to be so that you will miss your flight. They somehow only have one security lane open and nothing else matters. Oh, and now you have to take out your food in a separate bin, your shoes in another, your laptop in another. What is next your socks?! I don’t get it. Nasty, nasty people. There is a difference of doing your job and doing your job with a heart. You see we have five minutes till the gate closes, you see we are a lot of people, you see we are rushing, so you’re going to purposely hold our bin back and let three more people ahead of us? Like can’t you be slightly understanding. We are not blowing up no planes, we’re holding a freakin one month old! Like seriously?! Mind you, every single one of our bags got pulled to the side to be rechecked it was like what on earth was the point of going through the machine if you were going to just pull them all out anyways?????!

I am starting to hate flying. It has become a group of horrible workers doing a horrible job and taking their time. I get it I am fueled by a very very upsetting trip and should not generalize- but it comes to a point where have some common sense. It’s like why can’t they use their brains a bit?

There were some nice people on the plane which was a relief because if there wouldn’t have been, that would have been the last straw for all of us.

How much anxiety does the airport process give you?

Your Editor

A letter I wish I can send

you know who you are

Dear very unlucky girl,

I heard you are engaged to my leftovers and I really, really feel bad for you. Not just for you, but for any possible offsprings you may have, my suggestion: don’t have them, at least not with that guy.

I don’t think I need to tell you how crazy he is. I think you already know. It’s sad though because you know it, I know it, your parents and most of the friends that actually care about you, know it. You don’t know me but I care about you. Because I would never want anyone to be in my situation. You may think this is what you deserve, but trust me, you can do better, and you will get better if you just actually gave it a try. With him, it’s impossible to cut the umbilical cord but it is more than necessary. I wish there was someone who can walk you through it. You may think I am crazy, and you most likely disagree with me but if you give yourself just a moment of thought without him you will realize how right I am. How right your mother is for hating him. How right all your friends are when they gave you the nervous look when you mentioned going out with him. Don’t you remember how happy everyone was when you finally broke up with him? We weren’t all putting on a show, we meant what we said, he is crazy. He may be a genius, but he is cruel and heartless. He is selfish, manipulative, uncaring, and rude. He will act as if he loves you now but behind closed doors, he is watching porn and drinking. Soon enough those doors will fall away and you will be living with this monster. You’ll wonder what it is you have done to make him this way but what you will fail to realize, because he has cleverly organized it this way, is that he has been doing this since day one. You’ll confront him, beg him to change, and don’t you worry, he will promise you the moon. But it won’t last, turn your back once and you will have him back at where he was. You won’t trust him to pee with the door shut. Is that the life you want? And what happens when you’re expecting? Suddenly the day you’re in labor he’ll be sober? I doubt it.

Maybe this is the route you want to go, in which case I don’t know what or how to say anything to you because why would you want to do that to yourself? For money? Yes, he’s got millions, but he’s not even half a person. He’s drunk or angry. The world is his but what happens when he finds out it’s not? Do you really think that will go down easily?

He’ll use your body for his pleasures. Make you go in all uncomfortable positions. Make you feel anything but human, dirty, violated. And then he’ll ask for it again. And again. And again. Try saying no and he’ll manipulate you to make yourself believe you want to do it. Before you know it you will lose all of who and what you are. You will have become this unrecognizable, barely human, that is constantly sacrificing of the little that remains a part of you. I don’t know why, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to do this to themselves. I know, however, that you probably don’t realize it. Just like I didn’t. You make yourself believe that the one gift he’s given to you, the one sweet thing he’s said, means a million more than anything else in the world. You’ll convince yourself so much, you will come to believe he does so many things for you. But when you actually look at the facts you will see you have created this imaginative character that is so far from the person in front of you, you will start to believe you are going mad. You will become obsessed with certain things, angry at everyone around you, and completely unpleasant. You will have no self worth because you have allowed him to destroy every part of you.

I wish you can realize this. I wish when I told you to run, you ran. I thought you were through and when I heard you came back crawling a part of my heart tore for you. Because you shouldn’t have to go through what I went through. I thought having him date us both at the same time would have you realize who you were getting into bed with. I thought you seeing how crazy and torn I became from him would be obvious signs for you. I am only sorry that I can’t save you. I have seen myself that only you can save yourself from such evil grasps. No matter what I will say or anyone else will say, it’s only in your hands to realize the monster beside you claiming to be your husband, best friend, and partner is truly the one thing that will destroy you, possibly murder you. I pray you will have a good support system that can save you from the harm he will cause you because it is inevitable. People will call you crazy and send you for help, they will not understand that it is really him and not you. You may end up in a home for crazy people because you will become a harm to yourself but no one will realize it is not you who has made yourself want to hurt yourself but the monster controlling you with words that sound loving but are filled with poison.

I wish I can save you from those hands. I wish I can lock him away and keep the world safe from such horrible things. I wish I was lying, I wish none of this were true and there are many who don’t believe me but that is only because they are too close to see. They have failed to step outside, to distance themselves in order to understand. I however, have removed myself entirely and although it has taken a good few years I can look back and try and warn you of the dangers you are putting your life to.

I know you don’t know me, but trust me he is everything far from the human he claims to be.

Your Editor

Defining moments

only you are in control of who you become

We are all humans, even if we try to pretend to not be.

There isn’t one person more perfect than the next. One may have better qualities than another, but to say that someone is better than someone else is false. We are the only ones that can tell us how good we are. We are the only ones that can limit our full potential. Everyone has a history, everyone has some defining moment in their life where if that wouldn’t have happened they would not be where they are today (good place or bad). We decide if we want those moments to define us.

You know when people go through situations such as abuse, rape, and things that someone does to them, we all can agree that we can’t blame the victim. However, there comes a certain point in a victim’s life where they begin acting as the victim, and that is where the victim decides how their life will go. No, you can’t blame a kid for being molested by an adult. Yes, the kid will do certain things in life because they have been messed with, that maybe other kids wouldn’t do. But when that kid becomes of an age where they can decide to play the victim card or stand up for themselves, that is when the real defining moment takes place. It is how they decide to use life experiences.

I would have never become who I am today without going through everything that I did, so in a way I needed those situations to happen to me. In the beginning, and still sometimes now, it’s SO much easier to play the victim card; you don’t have to try so hard to get anything. However, it wasn’t me. Let me explain: someone is born and their life is normal and as they grow up something bad happens in their life and for that time period they are someone who is a victim to something bad, but then that moment ends either ten minutes later or 5 years later, and that someone has a chance to try to be themselves again or someone better than themselves, but continuing to be the victim would mean that they are continuing whatever it is that was done to them. I know it sounds easy to say, and some may think what am I talking about but let me just say that I have been there, done that, and it is no place anyone wants to be.

Most victims don’t realize what was done to them, and in a way it is good and bad. For example, if someone never knew that they were molested they may never understand why they act and react a certain way. However, if that person knew they may be able to control certain scenarios in their life and work on themselves to not let what happened to them control their life. When I finally understood what I went through in life I felt bad for myself, I blamed things that others considered weird on it and didn’t own up to situations that I had full control of. I was letting my abuser control my life further. I was giving everything to him, and in a way, more than what he had actually taken. You see, when someone does something to another person it’s that moment or those years, but what happens after that is in their own hands. Yes, people can say that abused people can’t control themselves, and I agree as well as disagree. Everything that I am aware of I can control and that means so can anyone else. And that also means I can work on everything that I am aware of and that will make the things that I am unaware of either better or come out of hiding. I have it easy, I have someone in my life who knows me and when things don’t seem like myself he helps me realize what I am unaware of. Others may have to spend hours analyzing themselves and their actions to try to figure out what will trigger them and why they react a certain way. I am not saying that I do not do that, I just don’t do it to the extent that others may. However, one thing that I did realize is that I pitied myself and I used that pity to dig myself deeper into the pit I was thrown in. Once I realize I was hurting myself, in a way more than the abuser, I had to stop. It is one thing to have someone mess up your life, it is another thing to continue to ruin your own life. There is always tomorrow. There is always another moment, another chance, to correct, to fix, to grow, to learn, to love. If I stayed where I was consumed by hatred for what had happened to me, consumed by the disgust I felt, I would not be planning my wedding today to a healthy, stable young man.

Don’t let yourself actually become a victim. I know it sounds horrible to say move on but it really is one of the only ways to actually move on. You have to be ready to just put everything all behind you, who cares what happened, who cares why, who cares when. Now is the time to not let it define you, not let it become you. Yes, they did a horrible thing to you but you will do a more horrible thing to yourself by letting what they did actually become you.

Your Editor

 

It’s only been a day

….And I am as pissed as can be.

There is something in this world called RESPECT, that some people just do NOT know exist. Respect to them is whatever is convenient for them.

I’m angry and frustrated. Seems like lately my post have been more complaining than actual help or advice, which would make the lack of views understandable.

I am trying to remember why I started blogging, it’s only been roughly 3.5 months and it has become a list on my to do list. I don’t like that. I should want to blog, and I do, if I wasn’t stressed out, upset, had a million other things that take priority to everyone else yet somehow fall on my shoulders. A friend of mine told me that usually it’s hard for people to transition into marriage but I can probably do it blindfolded. Sounds great for my ego, but I don’t want to be burnt out. I have a friend that was in charge of the laundry in her house growing up, till this day (she’s married with 6 kids) she does not touch an article of laundry. She will not do it. She hires a cleaning lady.

That reminds me of another thing: I grew up calling the household help a maid, however, my better half finds it demoralizing (I think that’s the right word?) and insist on calling her a cleaning lady. I find it sweet of him, how he has the utmost respect for people in all positions. He genuinely cares and to tie this into the top of this blog post, he respects people the way they want to be respected. Since no one knows who I am I can say this: he’s told me in confidence that one day when he becomes wealthy he’s going to spend a night on the streets. Don’t ask me where this idea came into his head, I find it completely outrageous and unusual. But for some reason it’s his thing. So is opening a soup kitchen. That dream I can agree with and I’ll gladly join in.

It’s funny because you don’t expect him to have as big of a heart as he does. He rarely smiles to others and exudes tremendous amount of confidence. Most people within five minutes of meeting him have told him he’s going to be very successful one day. I know that if he sets his heart and mind to something it will turn out amazing. My proof is that he set his heart and mind to our relationship and I see it constantly. With the crazy family that I come from, he as never left, and he has been threatened by both my parents. Despite that, the lack of joyous expression and engagement towards him, the way my siblings treat me and other various external situations he still remains here. To take it one step further, I am not the easiest girl to deal with. I have had my fair share of craziness, addictions, abusive boyfriends, yet somehow he has walked beside me and helped me slowly come around in the span of three years to a whole new being, to no more addictions, to no more self-harm, to no more low self-esteem and self-hatred. It takes a lot.

I heard something interesting the other day: there was a discussion on whether or not entering a relationship with someone who has never been in one is a good idea. My initial thought was no, why would it be? But then I took a minute and reminded myself of the old me and the beginning of my new relationship. When someone is in an unhealthy relationship it affects them and carries through to other relationships in their life. When I first started seeing my better half I could not communicate for the life of me, I thought only about his needs, I threw myself at him whenever he asked and even if he didn’t ask I would just completely destroy myself to do anything and everything for him. Obviously, I didn’t realize what I was doing, I was too used to being used and abused to realize it. But my better half did. And he didn’t let me throw myself at him, he gave me a voice and a chance to speak my mind and give an opinion. To express my feelings, to feel like a human. Not being in a relationship ever is, in my eyes, better than being in a bad relationship. If you’re faced with a choice of whom to go out with I would say the person that has never been in a relationship. Yes, it comes with challenges, but at least you don’t have to spend the beginning of your relationship correcting all the damages that the previous person did. It’s a tough position to be in, and sometimes you don’t realize your relationship was poison, you just have to hope that the next one that comes has a big enough heart to treat you right and to help you gain the respect that you deserve.

I don’t know what I have done in my life to have deserved such a person. I am forever grateful.

Your Editor

Communication

use your words, it will help

Over the three years of my relationship I have grown a lot in this area. In my previous relationship (I shouldn’t really call it that because it was everything but a relationship), I was always limited on what I could say or how I said it. My family never thought much when I spoke; I always didn’t know what I was saying to was too crazy to think with my head. When I finally met someone who actually wanted to hear my opinion, I couldn’t figure out how to talk. I guess that is what so many years of forcing to swallow my thoughts, comments, feelings, had caused that I just couldn’t express anything. I think worse than that though, was that I would only express what I knew that other person wanted to hear. You may think that sounds like a people pleaser but it was something else.

When I was hurt, I said I wasn’t. When I was in pain, I apologized. When I was lonely, I found unhealthy outlets. When I was told I was to blame, I hurt myself. I physically was not able to keep the feelings inside me so I found outlets that helped me reduce the suffocating feeling inside my body.

I will admit that my relationship now is a constant struggle because he is always asking me my feelings and thoughts. In the beginning I couldn’t say or express anything and it frustrated him to no end. You see, I worked so hard to go out of my way in my previous relationship, to make him happy, to do creative things for him and I got nothing in return, besides for physical things (which I didn’t get either), I didn’t get no verbal expression. I learned to keep my disappointment as well as my joy inside me, because after all, who would want to hear it?

When my better half couldn’t handle how I couldn’t say it made me happy when he did something for me, I knew I had to work on it not only for him, but for myself. God gave man a mouth to use it, why on earth was I only using my mouth to swallow? And so the long and never-ending journey of late night phone calls and never ending dissecting words that I said started. Don’t get me wrong 99.9% of the time I was frustrated; I got angry because why couldn’t he understand what I was saying or why couldn’t he just figure out what I was trying to say without asking me to explain every other word. But it was all worth it. I must add though, not many men have the patience, the never ending devotion, time, love, or care to put so much effort into someone who was barely giving anything in return.

I have now, thank God, reached a point where 90% of the time I can express exactly how and what I feel. I say 90% because there are times where I just use the wrong words and there are times where I will say things I do not mean because that is the only way I care to express my frustration and anger.

I am at the stage of working on using my words properly when I am angry, upset, hurt, offended, and all the other adjectives. However, for most people, that is a constant struggle. So, I would like to think that I have finally come to the category of ‘normal’ people and far away from the abused and stifled position I used to be in.

It is very hard to use words properly; there are so many things one can say but if one doesn’t think before they speak, they will never be able to take those many things back.

I constantly battle this, as do many in relationships. We all say somethings we do not mean, and they hurt the people we love most. We all just need to find within ourselves the ability to let go from what can cause so much terrible pain. “I am sorry” are just not enough words to cover the sound of hurtful words.

Maybe the point of this post was to tell you to think before you speak, more like tell myself, or maybe it was to realize how far I have come and how could I screw up, or maybe it was to show how important communication is, or maybe it was to let people know how much their words can damage someone. I will let you decide.

Your Editor

 

Why can’t you just see

for your own sake… please

I absolutely hate being in this position. I hate it. You know when you see someone doing something so stupid and you just want to slap their head into a wall because then maybe they will wake up and smell the coffee?! And realize what a total idiot they have been and how badly they are screwing up their life?

I can’t help but care about people. I genuinely care and want the best for people. It drives me up the wall when people CAN’T JUST OPEN THEIR EYES!!! It really isn’t so hard!!

I know, I know, easier to say then to actually do but come on!

Sorry, let me tell you what caused me to be like this:

Someone I know is in a very unhealthy relationship. She knows it but yet somehow keeps finding herself going back to him (duh, what can you expect?) but it is just so painful to watch her get hurt physically, emotionally, mentally. I know you’re probably thinking this happens to about half the population and who cares but I guess when it hits so close to home and it someone you don’t want to see in pain, it makes it a thousand times harder.

I hated going through what I went through. I wish someone would have slapped my head hard against the wall and made me realize that I am hurting myself in every form of way. I wish. I know she’s appreciative and she says I am right and she knows it’s not a good idea but she’s still going back. It kills me inside.

I wish I could do something more. I wish I can make things easier for her. I wish she would just care more about herself and realize what he is doing to her and that she deserves more than this in her life. I really wish.

But-

As another friend of mine said: sometimes you just have to let people live their life and learn from their own mistakes.

However, some people never learn, and for all we know she could end up killing herself one day from all the pain and misery this bastard is putting her through and then what?! I can tell you that when you’re in such a fragile position you do things you would have never imagined yourself doing, you become this person that is so not you, and if you ever wake up and smell the coffee you realize what has become of you and you may not have the proper surroundings to fix yourself up. I told her she has three choices: wait for something horrible to happen and then she’ll realize that when he says he’s going to change for the fiftieth time it won’t actually happen, or she can listen to me and take my life experiences and just save herself from having to go through this horrible life any longer, or she can do absolutely nothing and stay where she is burying herself deeper into a grave that she doesn’t realize he is digging for her. Now, I can’t understand why in any way she would want to choose anything but making herself a happy person but I know more than she knows that she’s not really in control. You’re never really in control. Take an addict for example, yes they can be sober for ten years but give them a drink and that’s it. You will never be in control- fully, that is. Yes, you will have some level of control over your life but their will be days where you find yourself crawling back into that grave he built for you and you won’t even realize it. That is why you have to always be on your toes and never let yourself, even for a split second, go down that path in your brain. It is just not a place to ever go once you have finally rid yourself of such an unhealthy relationship.

I legit went through her phone to block him and you know, in my days it was so much easier to block someone because you only had one thing to block them off of! I had to unfriend him on FaceBook, block him on Instagram, Snapchat, Whatsapp, some messenger app, that I was like, seriously? I can understand why you haven’t blocked him yet. Sheesh, just going through the whole process can kill you.

But at the end of the day I only hope that she won’t hurt herself and if she ever needs I will always be there for her. I let her know I am not disappointed in her, I understand her, and it is her decision but most importantly, I am there if and when she ever needs. If she won’t take my advice it is the least I can do. I know if I had someone with me when I went through it maybe I wouldn’t have gone as far as I did and maybe things would be different.

I won’t apologize for caring, and I won’t apologize for trying to convince you out of it, I’ll just apologize for not being there when it started and getting you far, far, away before you even began.

Your Editor