use your words, it will help

Over the three years of my relationship I have grown a lot in this area. In my previous relationship (I shouldn’t really call it that because it was everything but a relationship), I was always limited on what I could say or how I said it. My family never thought much when I spoke; I always didn’t know what I was saying to was too crazy to think with my head. When I finally met someone who actually wanted to hear my opinion, I couldn’t figure out how to talk. I guess that is what so many years of forcing to swallow my thoughts, comments, feelings, had caused that I just couldn’t express anything. I think worse than that though, was that I would only express what I knew that other person wanted to hear. You may think that sounds like a people pleaser but it was something else.

When I was hurt, I said I wasn’t. When I was in pain, I apologized. When I was lonely, I found unhealthy outlets. When I was told I was to blame, I hurt myself. I physically was not able to keep the feelings inside me so I found outlets that helped me reduce the suffocating feeling inside my body.

I will admit that my relationship now is a constant struggle because he is always asking me my feelings and thoughts. In the beginning I couldn’t say or express anything and it frustrated him to no end. You see, I worked so hard to go out of my way in my previous relationship, to make him happy, to do creative things for him and I got nothing in return, besides for physical things (which I didn’t get either), I didn’t get no verbal expression. I learned to keep my disappointment as well as my joy inside me, because after all, who would want to hear it?

When my better half couldn’t handle how I couldn’t say it made me happy when he did something for me, I knew I had to work on it not only for him, but for myself. God gave man a mouth to use it, why on earth was I only using my mouth to swallow? And so the long and never-ending journey of late night phone calls and never ending dissecting words that I said started. Don’t get me wrong 99.9% of the time I was frustrated; I got angry because why couldn’t he understand what I was saying or why couldn’t he just figure out what I was trying to say without asking me to explain every other word. But it was all worth it. I must add though, not many men have the patience, the never ending devotion, time, love, or care to put so much effort into someone who was barely giving anything in return.

I have now, thank God, reached a point where 90% of the time I can express exactly how and what I feel. I say 90% because there are times where I just use the wrong words and there are times where I will say things I do not mean because that is the only way I care to express my frustration and anger.

I am at the stage of working on using my words properly when I am angry, upset, hurt, offended, and all the other adjectives. However, for most people, that is a constant struggle. So, I would like to think that I have finally come to the category of ‘normal’ people and far away from the abused and stifled position I used to be in.

It is very hard to use words properly; there are so many things one can say but if one doesn’t think before they speak, they will never be able to take those many things back.

I constantly battle this, as do many in relationships. We all say somethings we do not mean, and they hurt the people we love most. We all just need to find within ourselves the ability to let go from what can cause so much terrible pain. “I am sorry” are just not enough words to cover the sound of hurtful words.

Maybe the point of this post was to tell you to think before you speak, more like tell myself, or maybe it was to realize how far I have come and how could I screw up, or maybe it was to show how important communication is, or maybe it was to let people know how much their words can damage someone. I will let you decide.

Your Editor


Why can’t you just see

for your own sake… please

I absolutely hate being in this position. I hate it. You know when you see someone doing something so stupid and you just want to slap their head into a wall because then maybe they will wake up and smell the coffee?! And realize what a total idiot they have been and how badly they are screwing up their life?

I can’t help but care about people. I genuinely care and want the best for people. It drives me up the wall when people CAN’T JUST OPEN THEIR EYES!!! It really isn’t so hard!!

I know, I know, easier to say then to actually do but come on!

Sorry, let me tell you what caused me to be like this:

Someone I know is in a very unhealthy relationship. She knows it but yet somehow keeps finding herself going back to him (duh, what can you expect?) but it is just so painful to watch her get hurt physically, emotionally, mentally. I know you’re probably thinking this happens to about half the population and who cares but I guess when it hits so close to home and it someone you don’t want to see in pain, it makes it a thousand times harder.

I hated going through what I went through. I wish someone would have slapped my head hard against the wall and made me realize that I am hurting myself in every form of way. I wish. I know she’s appreciative and she says I am right and she knows it’s not a good idea but she’s still going back. It kills me inside.

I wish I could do something more. I wish I can make things easier for her. I wish she would just care more about herself and realize what he is doing to her and that she deserves more than this in her life. I really wish.


As another friend of mine said: sometimes you just have to let people live their life and learn from their own mistakes.

However, some people never learn, and for all we know she could end up killing herself one day from all the pain and misery this bastard is putting her through and then what?! I can tell you that when you’re in such a fragile position you do things you would have never imagined yourself doing, you become this person that is so not you, and if you ever wake up and smell the coffee you realize what has become of you and you may not have the proper surroundings to fix yourself up. I told her she has three choices: wait for something horrible to happen and then she’ll realize that when he says he’s going to change for the fiftieth time it won’t actually happen, or she can listen to me and take my life experiences and just save herself from having to go through this horrible life any longer, or she can do absolutely nothing and stay where she is burying herself deeper into a grave that she doesn’t realize he is digging for her. Now, I can’t understand why in any way she would want to choose anything but making herself a happy person but I know more than she knows that she’s not really in control. You’re never really in control. Take an addict for example, yes they can be sober for ten years but give them a drink and that’s it. You will never be in control- fully, that is. Yes, you will have some level of control over your life but their will be days where you find yourself crawling back into that grave he built for you and you won’t even realize it. That is why you have to always be on your toes and never let yourself, even for a split second, go down that path in your brain. It is just not a place to ever go once you have finally rid yourself of such an unhealthy relationship.

I legit went through her phone to block him and you know, in my days it was so much easier to block someone because you only had one thing to block them off of! I had to unfriend him on FaceBook, block him on Instagram, Snapchat, Whatsapp, some messenger app, that I was like, seriously? I can understand why you haven’t blocked him yet. Sheesh, just going through the whole process can kill you.

But at the end of the day I only hope that she won’t hurt herself and if she ever needs I will always be there for her. I let her know I am not disappointed in her, I understand her, and it is her decision but most importantly, I am there if and when she ever needs. If she won’t take my advice it is the least I can do. I know if I had someone with me when I went through it maybe I wouldn’t have gone as far as I did and maybe things would be different.

I won’t apologize for caring, and I won’t apologize for trying to convince you out of it, I’ll just apologize for not being there when it started and getting you far, far, away before you even began.

Your Editor