use your words, it will help

Over the three years of my relationship I have grown a lot in this area. In my previous relationship (I shouldn’t really call it that because it was everything but a relationship), I was always limited on what I could say or how I said it. My family never thought much when I spoke; I always didn’t know what I was saying to was too crazy to think with my head. When I finally met someone who actually wanted to hear my opinion, I couldn’t figure out how to talk. I guess that is what so many years of forcing to swallow my thoughts, comments, feelings, had caused that I just couldn’t express anything. I think worse than that though, was that I would only express what I knew that other person wanted to hear. You may think that sounds like a people pleaser but it was something else.

When I was hurt, I said I wasn’t. When I was in pain, I apologized. When I was lonely, I found unhealthy outlets. When I was told I was to blame, I hurt myself. I physically was not able to keep the feelings inside me so I found outlets that helped me reduce the suffocating feeling inside my body.

I will admit that my relationship now is a constant struggle because he is always asking me my feelings and thoughts. In the beginning I couldn’t say or express anything and it frustrated him to no end. You see, I worked so hard to go out of my way in my previous relationship, to make him happy, to do creative things for him and I got nothing in return, besides for physical things (which I didn’t get either), I didn’t get no verbal expression. I learned to keep my disappointment as well as my joy inside me, because after all, who would want to hear it?

When my better half couldn’t handle how I couldn’t say it made me happy when he did something for me, I knew I had to work on it not only for him, but for myself. God gave man a mouth to use it, why on earth was I only using my mouth to swallow? And so the long and never-ending journey of late night phone calls and never ending dissecting words that I said started. Don’t get me wrong 99.9% of the time I was frustrated; I got angry because why couldn’t he understand what I was saying or why couldn’t he just figure out what I was trying to say without asking me to explain every other word. But it was all worth it. I must add though, not many men have the patience, the never ending devotion, time, love, or care to put so much effort into someone who was barely giving anything in return.

I have now, thank God, reached a point where 90% of the time I can express exactly how and what I feel. I say 90% because there are times where I just use the wrong words and there are times where I will say things I do not mean because that is the only way I care to express my frustration and anger.

I am at the stage of working on using my words properly when I am angry, upset, hurt, offended, and all the other adjectives. However, for most people, that is a constant struggle. So, I would like to think that I have finally come to the category of ‘normal’ people and far away from the abused and stifled position I used to be in.

It is very hard to use words properly; there are so many things one can say but if one doesn’t think before they speak, they will never be able to take those many things back.

I constantly battle this, as do many in relationships. We all say somethings we do not mean, and they hurt the people we love most. We all just need to find within ourselves the ability to let go from what can cause so much terrible pain. “I am sorry” are just not enough words to cover the sound of hurtful words.

Maybe the point of this post was to tell you to think before you speak, more like tell myself, or maybe it was to realize how far I have come and how could I screw up, or maybe it was to show how important communication is, or maybe it was to let people know how much their words can damage someone. I will let you decide.

Your Editor


What do you want to eat?

and the endless conversation begins…

I apologize for not posting, been a bit of a hectic weekend (when is it not?).

During this weekend I have been thinking a lot about the relationships in my life. My better half spent Valentine’s Day with me and it really was very enjoyable. However, I did screw up a tad bit. So you see, he always likes to do things that make me happy (which is a very noble thing, and romantic- especially this far into our relationship) but sometimes I don’t let him because I get nervous that he isn’t thinking about himself. Well this weekend I discovered I was wrong and that instead of making a big deal about something sweet that he wants to do for me I should say thank you and keep my mouth shut. You would think that would be simple, but for some reason I get a bit all over the place; giving him a million reasons why he shouldn’t do what it is he wants to do, when at the end of the day it is his choice!

Image result for gifs of it's my choice

Another thing I learned this weekend is that couples will forever have the conversation of: where do you want to go for dinner? I wish I could say I am joking but after so many years we still contemplate (and I will admit: sometimes argue) about what we are in the mood to eat and whose job it is to try to come up with a place. For real, deciding on food is such a big deal.

I heard this thing and I attempted to try it on my better half and it was an epic fail. Basically, you’re supposed to tell your partner/spouse to guess where it is you guys are going for dinner and the first thing they guess you’re supposed to say yes too because that is probably where they want to go if they guessed it first. So when our food conversation began I was trying to see if we can, you know, decide on a place after 2 minutes and not 30. I asked him to guess where we were going and he replied: is it milk or meat? and I was like: I don’t know. He was just like “what do you mean you don’t know, you told me to guess?!”

Image result for gif of i don't know

So you see… that didn’t really work out too well. Which was quite annoying because than we had another 30 minute conversation of where we could possibly go.

For the first time today he said he wanted Chinese, and I was like YESS!! We don’t have to have the hour food conversation!!! And then my dad calls and invites us to a BBQ…. and I’m like are you for real? No. We are going to Chinese. I will not let a guilt trip of how we missed a great BBQ get in the way of a 1.5 minute conversation of where we are going for dinner.

And let me tell you this: it was good Chinese.

Your Editor