The positive theory

Not so much a theory as a new idea that has yet to be fully developed. But- I sort of had to snap out of being so snappy (pun 🙃) so I took a look at what was making me bonkers:

I found that I was not communicating my emotions as much and instead was keeping things bottled up and I was not very happy. I also noticed that when I did not have a busy or structured day it made me a bit wired and on edge (it also gave me time to concentrate on the negative things). For example, being busy gave me the ability to forget the nervs in my stomach. I did not concentrate on hum much this pill affects my body. However, I did take notice that when I did not let myself think that the pill was in control of me, I gave myself the ability to be in control of the pill, which is just already a start in controlling your life and feeling more focused.

Taking all of the above into my list of fuzes made it much easier to figure out how to stay happy. No more not knowing tomorrow’s schedule or waiting around for people to decide when and what to do. Having things organized keeps my head and body in the same spot and just gives me a sense of direction. That being taken care of I moved on to the next issue: communication. I always struggles with communicating, especially after being in an abusive relationship. Just today I watched a seven year old perfectly communicate over to his mother how something someone told him hurt his feelings and caused him to be upset for a few minutes. He used many things to describe his pain and what caused it and the scenario. I was amazed, one because I could only now do that and I barely come close to that and two because his mother responded with such affection and love that the boy felt secure telling over his feelings and did not feel as though he could not say them. I may have been deprived of that in my life but I certainly see and am learning what it takes to properly communicate how and what I am feeling and to also listen to what someone complaining has to say and to make them feel secure to tell me. It takes a lot of effort and is not very easy but the results are worth it. So part of me being able to communicate better will mean that I better organize my day so that I have time to discuss and actually think about how I feel. This also will allow me to get a decent nights sleep, which I have not been getting but need very badly.

All that being said I hope to try and continue to be in control of my life, feelings, words, and most importantly, actions. I think I finally have my head on straight and can take this on with a smile and love. ☺️

Your Editor

Stressful me

I am trying to control it

I have been a stressed out mess lately. Snapping left and right, hangry, impatient, rude and not very pleasant. I must admit that it is probably not very comforting for the man I am about to marry, especially since he is getting the brunt of it. There are days I can only manage to calm down by the time we are heading to bed. There are times where he just leaves me alone because he knows space is the only thing that will calm me. It is not his fault I am angry or stressed.

It is just this pill I am on leaves me in knots in my stomach. I feel as though I am running on empty, impatiently waiting something yetI do not know what. Or maybe I do, I am waiting for our day to arrive, to be distracted from this agonizing pain, from running to the bathroom on spur of the moment because I cannot stomach the contents in me any longer. It is difficult to sleep last night because my stomach has released a large amount of nervous causing my body to not stop working even for a nights rest. An interrupted sleep is not fun.

I start every day with the ambition to control my organs and ignore the anxiety bubbling inside me. It lasts quite well, until someone says the slightest thing to throw me off and within seconds I am very annoyed and thrown off the balance I was trying to maintain. It is not many people’s fault, I think as though they may not realize what is going on inside me. There is a lot to get done still and we are just a few weeks away. I know all will be gorgeous and I will care less of the faults overtime but for someone who is a tad bit controlling and likes to get things done, this wait is certainly adding to my craziness.

These days will soon be gone and I will be disappointed in myself for the attitude I had. This time is supposed to be one of excitement and filled with love and I am deterring that. He loves me dearly though, continues to fight to make me smile and see happiness in it all; it is romantic, it is special. It is disappointing that my reaction is out of control. I seem to have lost the ability to keep my mouth shut and sift through the words before letting them out. I now understand snappy mothers: birth control does dreadful things to people.

We’ll manage it somehow, one day, or find something else to work its magic in its place. There is no fun in being angry and stressed all the time, no fun at all.

Your Editor

The balance between mother and person

What category are you part of?

There is a fine line between a mother and a person. I wonder what it will be like for me. I see mothers all around me and it is easy to tell the angry mother from the selfish mother and the loving warm mother from the cold mother.

A mother is in the position to be every type of person out there. There is a time and place for every emotion, what you decide to use in that situation is what mother you become. I met a family of 10 kids that each one can honestly say they have never heard their mother raise her voice. Shocking, I know. On the other hand I know mothers that scream, that is their way of talking. I know mothers that have absolutely nothing nice to say to their kids. There are mothers who only think about themselves and if they want something they get it because they have the position of a mother.

I am not entering motherhood yet but entering marriage makes your mind automatically think about the next stage in your life. I would like to think that I can figure out how to be a well balanced mother; firm when my children need it, always loving and supportive, caring, strong, patient, happy. The list goes on. I want to be able to come home from a rough day at work and file work away in a cabinet and put a smile on my face. If my kid wants to know why after everything I say, be able to respond without getting annoyed. I know a mother who made a hole in her wall because she punched it so hard as a result of her daughter asking why too many times. I want to show my children how to have the proper respect, fear , and love for us. I do not want to create a home where my children are built out of fear. On the other side, I want them to have the level of fear they need to have in order to properly respect. It is all so complex. I think of it as a sound system that has over a hundred different lines that can be leveled up or down yet somehow they are all supposed to evenly match up but when you try matching them up there are always a few that go too high or too low.

We still need to be humans. Until about a few years ago I never thought of my mother as a person, she was my mother. Only when you reach a certain age do you realize your mother has emotions, needs, desires too. It is hard to have kids that do not realize it. The key is to raise them in a way that they know it. I have not figured out how to do that, yet.

We will need to figure out how to balance us and the children (us being husband and wife). It is no longer just us in the marriage. However, one cannot act as though there is no us. First came you, then your spouse, then your kids. You must care for yourself. Once you are at peace, your husband, and last your kids. Balance is the key word here; one cannot be overly obsessed with taking care of just themselves or just their spouse, the sound levels need to match up with the amount you put into each line.

I hope thinking about this now can help me in the future be a well balanced mother to our children.

Your Editor

You opened it.

And it hurts

I don’t understand how people go through other’s things!

I feel completely violated. I said do not touch it, so DON’T TOUCH IT!! Like, hellooo???! Where has common respect gone?

I don’t care who you are. What you do. Where you come. If it is not yours: You. Do. Not. Touch. It.

It’s not that I am hiding things you can’t see, it’s the fact that it is mine and if I wanted you to see it I would have allowed you too. Okay, well maybe I wrote a few things down that were personal. Doesn’t every person have a right to that? I didn’t think I couldn’t wright down my feelings and that you would snoop.

What hurts the most is the disrespect. I asked you, and you lied to my face, looked me in the eyes and said you didn’t touch it. Guess what? Everyone else told me you did.

Maybe they could all be wrong but it pains me that you couldn’t respect me enough. It hurts a lot. I can’t even say anything to you because you would just make it worse.

Im sad and really pained, I thought our relationship had turned for the better. I didn’t realize we were still holding were we used to be.

Your Editor

What a day

and where were you in all of it?

It started at 7 am and it feels like it’s never going to end.

I feel bad for all those people (manly men) who have to work 80% of their day. It is hard.

I spent wayyy too long staring at a computer screen and it wasn’t pleasant for my head or the people around me.

On the bright side I think I finally have a hairstylist and makeup artist for the big day. 100 days to go… feels like forever but it’s going to fly bad faster than I ever dreamed! I’m excited.

Anyway, enough about me. I heard something interesting today: people measure success by how busy people are. For example, if you say to your friends “I was so busy today I barely had any time to myself!” They view you as wow. However, if you would say I spent the day taking a walk, taking care of my kids, cooking dinner, they would feel bad for you. Even if you would tell them you spent the day solely pampering yourself, you would be looked at as nothing close to successful. Now, I don’t know who is the one that made up all the measurements of what successful is and how much of yourself you have to compromise in order to meet the requirements but it’s messed up. Doing something for yourself should be included in your schedule. I don’t care what you say about having time and being busy. The best way to reach real success and happiness is by giving yourself what you need to make you feel like you took care of yourself and saved the planet with your busy day of work. So, cut the crap, stop stressing everyone out around you and just go lock yourself in a room alone for five minutes and give yourself the time you need to close your eyes and just let your mind loosen from all the stress nots you have created inside it. I swear my brain feels like you know when you’re turning the top to something and you keep going tighter and tighter to try and make the top tighter and tighter, yes your hand feels it but guess what? my brain feels actually like it’s being squeezed into a tighter and tighter ball of stress.

Do yourself and everyone around you and just put the screens down and focus on what you need to make yourself feel human again, and if it means having a cup of coffee, so be it. You deserve it.

Your Editor

An unexpected day

when your schedule just doesn’t go your way

I thought today I’d get back to normal… well if you’d call my life normal. But turns out I was very wrong. I finally got to work after working out who will take me because somehow my car is being used by someone other than myself. Okay, so fine, I’m at work and it only takes about an hour and a 45 minute phone call with customer service to get my computer running. Finally able to work and there’s no work to do. I spent the majority of my morning filing HR paperwork, not fun let me tell you. Then I was reminded by the repeated phone calls from my mother that I needed to go to the doctor. Except when I called the doctors office no one seemed to want to pick up the phone. However, my mother being my mother told me to go because the doctor had time now. So I ran/walkedreallyfast to the doctor which is generally a 10-11 minute walk, in about 5 minutes. I show up, they tell me to sit down, they call me in, take my weight, blood pressure, temperature and then I wait. Now, I left work in the midst of a multiple choice question quiz with the intention I’d be back within 30 minutes. It really doesn’t take long to check my breast. That’s what I thought. An hour later the doctor finally graces me with her presence, and I thought she had time, she checks me, prescribes me more meds and an ultrasound. I am not so excited anymore. I walk back to work when I know I should be running because I just took a 30 minute break and made it an hour and I just got back to work today and I was late this morning, but I just don’t have a head to. I get back and my multiple choice question quiz is open waiting for me, I settle down, answer my mother’s repeated questions and finally think I am able to start the clock again for my goal of 20 hours of studying… but nope, here comes actual work. Everything goes back on pause again and I am stuck working the rest of the day.

I had to tell my boss I’ll be out tomorrow morning, which I proudly didn’t even think twice about.

I’m trying to do a million things at once and I forget that what I need the most is to just take a deep breath and give myself a moment to catch up with my legs. My mind and emotions are somewhere else. I have mixed feelings about my mother coming with me to the doctor, I have excitement and anticipation for our wedding, and I have a lot of things I want to get done.

I started looking for cute poses to show the photographer, songs for the wedding dances and the ceremony, dresses, clothes, shoes, jewelry, the list doesn’t end and that makes me happy.

What doesn’t make me happy is I really should be studying and I really should be going to bed earlier and not watching as many Tv shows as I have been. Whatever, as I say: it is what it is, and this time I’ll add that I’m not rushing to change it.

I really was looking forward to having a boring day at work, to work, study, and blog. I miss blogging.

Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

Your Editor

It’s only been a day

….And I am as pissed as can be.

There is something in this world called RESPECT, that some people just do NOT know exist. Respect to them is whatever is convenient for them.

I’m angry and frustrated. Seems like lately my post have been more complaining than actual help or advice, which would make the lack of views understandable.

I am trying to remember why I started blogging, it’s only been roughly 3.5 months and it has become a list on my to do list. I don’t like that. I should want to blog, and I do, if I wasn’t stressed out, upset, had a million other things that take priority to everyone else yet somehow fall on my shoulders. A friend of mine told me that usually it’s hard for people to transition into marriage but I can probably do it blindfolded. Sounds great for my ego, but I don’t want to be burnt out. I have a friend that was in charge of the laundry in her house growing up, till this day (she’s married with 6 kids) she does not touch an article of laundry. She will not do it. She hires a cleaning lady.

That reminds me of another thing: I grew up calling the household help a maid, however, my better half finds it demoralizing (I think that’s the right word?) and insist on calling her a cleaning lady. I find it sweet of him, how he has the utmost respect for people in all positions. He genuinely cares and to tie this into the top of this blog post, he respects people the way they want to be respected. Since no one knows who I am I can say this: he’s told me in confidence that one day when he becomes wealthy he’s going to spend a night on the streets. Don’t ask me where this idea came into his head, I find it completely outrageous and unusual. But for some reason it’s his thing. So is opening a soup kitchen. That dream I can agree with and I’ll gladly join in.

It’s funny because you don’t expect him to have as big of a heart as he does. He rarely smiles to others and exudes tremendous amount of confidence. Most people within five minutes of meeting him have told him he’s going to be very successful one day. I know that if he sets his heart and mind to something it will turn out amazing. My proof is that he set his heart and mind to our relationship and I see it constantly. With the crazy family that I come from, he as never left, and he has been threatened by both my parents. Despite that, the lack of joyous expression and engagement towards him, the way my siblings treat me and other various external situations he still remains here. To take it one step further, I am not the easiest girl to deal with. I have had my fair share of craziness, addictions, abusive boyfriends, yet somehow he has walked beside me and helped me slowly come around in the span of three years to a whole new being, to no more addictions, to no more self-harm, to no more low self-esteem and self-hatred. It takes a lot.

I heard something interesting the other day: there was a discussion on whether or not entering a relationship with someone who has never been in one is a good idea. My initial thought was no, why would it be? But then I took a minute and reminded myself of the old me and the beginning of my new relationship. When someone is in an unhealthy relationship it affects them and carries through to other relationships in their life. When I first started seeing my better half I could not communicate for the life of me, I thought only about his needs, I threw myself at him whenever he asked and even if he didn’t ask I would just completely destroy myself to do anything and everything for him. Obviously, I didn’t realize what I was doing, I was too used to being used and abused to realize it. But my better half did. And he didn’t let me throw myself at him, he gave me a voice and a chance to speak my mind and give an opinion. To express my feelings, to feel like a human. Not being in a relationship ever is, in my eyes, better than being in a bad relationship. If you’re faced with a choice of whom to go out with I would say the person that has never been in a relationship. Yes, it comes with challenges, but at least you don’t have to spend the beginning of your relationship correcting all the damages that the previous person did. It’s a tough position to be in, and sometimes you don’t realize your relationship was poison, you just have to hope that the next one that comes has a big enough heart to treat you right and to help you gain the respect that you deserve.

I don’t know what I have done in my life to have deserved such a person. I am forever grateful.

Your Editor