The positive theory

Not so much a theory as a new idea that has yet to be fully developed. But- I sort of had to snap out of being so snappy (pun 🙃) so I took a look at what was making me bonkers:

I found that I was not communicating my emotions as much and instead was keeping things bottled up and I was not very happy. I also noticed that when I did not have a busy or structured day it made me a bit wired and on edge (it also gave me time to concentrate on the negative things). For example, being busy gave me the ability to forget the nervs in my stomach. I did not concentrate on hum much this pill affects my body. However, I did take notice that when I did not let myself think that the pill was in control of me, I gave myself the ability to be in control of the pill, which is just already a start in controlling your life and feeling more focused.

Taking all of the above into my list of fuzes made it much easier to figure out how to stay happy. No more not knowing tomorrow’s schedule or waiting around for people to decide when and what to do. Having things organized keeps my head and body in the same spot and just gives me a sense of direction. That being taken care of I moved on to the next issue: communication. I always struggles with communicating, especially after being in an abusive relationship. Just today I watched a seven year old perfectly communicate over to his mother how something someone told him hurt his feelings and caused him to be upset for a few minutes. He used many things to describe his pain and what caused it and the scenario. I was amazed, one because I could only now do that and I barely come close to that and two because his mother responded with such affection and love that the boy felt secure telling over his feelings and did not feel as though he could not say them. I may have been deprived of that in my life but I certainly see and am learning what it takes to properly communicate how and what I am feeling and to also listen to what someone complaining has to say and to make them feel secure to tell me. It takes a lot of effort and is not very easy but the results are worth it. So part of me being able to communicate better will mean that I better organize my day so that I have time to discuss and actually think about how I feel. This also will allow me to get a decent nights sleep, which I have not been getting but need very badly.

All that being said I hope to try and continue to be in control of my life, feelings, words, and most importantly, actions. I think I finally have my head on straight and can take this on with a smile and love. ☺️

Your Editor

Airports

What’s your experience?

Before we even got to the airport we had to call United to check in because they played around with our flights and apparently put the baby on its own confirmation number, which makes no sense because the baby can’t sit by itself. Then they told us over the phone, mind you an hour and half wait, that since it is a basic economy ticket we cannot do anything over the phone and they cannot help us. Which makes no sense- how do you sell a ticket that you can’t help anyone with? Most of us get checked in and the rest of us are waiting. We wait in line for a kiosk and then some worker rudely cuts us off the kiosk and starts restarting the kiosk while we are in middle of using it! She then tells us we need to go to another machine and we can’t use this one anymore, why? No explanation, simply because she felt like it. We then wait on another line to get help and finally a nice worker somehow manages to do her job and actually get us checked in to our flight.

Security lines are next. We head there thinking we got this we can make our flight- nope. The Airport closes it’s TSA security lines at 8:30 pm (PRIME TRAVEL TIME!!). It is almost as if the airport and airlines work together to arrange for every situation to be so that you will miss your flight. They somehow only have one security lane open and nothing else matters. Oh, and now you have to take out your food in a separate bin, your shoes in another, your laptop in another. What is next your socks?! I don’t get it. Nasty, nasty people. There is a difference of doing your job and doing your job with a heart. You see we have five minutes till the gate closes, you see we are a lot of people, you see we are rushing, so you’re going to purposely hold our bin back and let three more people ahead of us? Like can’t you be slightly understanding. We are not blowing up no planes, we’re holding a freakin one month old! Like seriously?! Mind you, every single one of our bags got pulled to the side to be rechecked it was like what on earth was the point of going through the machine if you were going to just pull them all out anyways?????!

I am starting to hate flying. It has become a group of horrible workers doing a horrible job and taking their time. I get it I am fueled by a very very upsetting trip and should not generalize- but it comes to a point where have some common sense. It’s like why can’t they use their brains a bit?

There were some nice people on the plane which was a relief because if there wouldn’t have been, that would have been the last straw for all of us.

How much anxiety does the airport process give you?

Your Editor

The things you do when you are guilt tripped

Don’t you wish you could have stood strong?

I must have said no a dozen times yet I find myself once again doing what I said I wouldn’t do.

Is being guilt tripped really your own problem?

Does it mean you are lacking confidence? Self esteem? Balls?

Does it mean you are a people pleaser?

All I know is I was damn sure I wasn’t going anywhere yet somehow I found myself on a plane… thinking “I can’t believe I am doing this.” What happened in between my hard rock decision and me actually doing the complete opposite? Guilt tripping. It takes talent to put just the right amount of pressure where you’re not coming across as demanding and mean but just enough to bring you over to the dark side. Now, if you are really good at this you know exactly when to stop talking and how to tweak your manipulating speech to your crowd. For someone who does not know how to guilt trip, I find myself being on the receiving end with certain people and it is not fun.

I have confidence, I have self esteem, and I want to have those that are (or should be) important to me, like and respect me. Now, you see when things aren’t done the way they want, feel, think, the guilt tripping starts. That shows two things: 1) they don’t actually respect me for my decisions, and 2) I obviously care too much about how they treat me. However, I am coming to realize that it is a never ending cycle. I can want something, get guilt tripped out of it, internally miserable, everyone shows a few minutes of satisfaction and then moves on, so in the end I am left feeling like I pleased everyone for a total of one minute, the people that actually care about me are now pissed, and I am left cut in two; failing to make myself happy and only given a brief feeling of this guilt trip might have been worth it. Either way I lose, so what is the better route to take?

I have come to a conclusion that many of us know internally and outwardly may express it as well but when push comes to shove, their actions show the complete opposite.

In life you can only strive to make yourself happy. It sounds selfish but the world is filled with selfish people and if one knows that another genuinely doesn’t care about their values they owe no such obligation to compromise on their own happiness to make them happy. At times it may be hard to figure out who really does respect you but over time you are put in situations that help you uncover who is legitimate. The trick here is to not be fooled by the desire of having that person care about you. Often, myself included, we are so focused on wanting that person to care about us that we color the scenarios in our mind to make it feel like they have done nothing but respect us and only after do we realize that we are only fooling ourselves and harming ourselves in the process.

It’s a tricky balance between it all but if one can conquer it and genuinely not care about what others feel about them, they can reach a level of happiness- true happiness.

Your Editor

What do you say

You just have to do what is best for yourself

Doctors, doctors, and more doctors. I don’t think in all my life I’ve been to so many doctors. Even when I kept collapsing and no one knew why. I am sick yet again. Don’t ask with what or how on earth but I am. And I am failing to remain positive. For that past five months I have been sick 20 out of the 30 days there are in a month. Why? I don’t know. But by now I know That I am allergic to half the antibiotics I have been put on, the strep shot kills. Like hell. Going in it was fine but the after effect had me on the floor, passed out.

Apparently when one has fever you are not supposed to cover them up in blankets to keep them warm because the heat gets trapped around them and causes the fever to stay up. I have gone from freezing to physically sweating in a matter of minutes. And this isn’t even a bad thing, I feel physically pained for those people sick with big diseases. I don’t know how they manage to get up, stay positive, and face another day. I’m being dramatic, I have my moments. But sometimes- when people around me are giving me a hard time- I can’t handle anything and everything is worse off than it is.

It’s pouring here and I just want to go outside and get soaked, sit under the beat of the rain and have my illnesses get washed away.

I’m cancelling my exam, the one I fought so hard to get. I can’t manage it between surgery and not feeling well. My study time is being slept away because I have no energy to get through the material I need to cover. It pains me. But my health comes first. I am not going to try and fight it any more. I possibly could have done it if my family would have respected my study time, and not continuously gave me the role of mother.

Something positive though, because life should never be so negative, my better half has gone above and beyond to make me happy, comfortable, and make sure I am putting myself first. It’s awfully romantic.

I guess that’s just how I have to look at all of this: some good, some bad, and make the good weigh more because it should.

To health 🍾

Your Editor

A robot

Not even a person

As the time gets closer to my CPA exam and the wedding I have barely found any time to write at all. Sadly.

I’m a person of simple means that doesn’t require much to please. However, my simple request have been met with such hostility that I feel foolish and small. All I wanted was a cake at my wedding, but for some strange reason I cannot have one. All I wanted was to be able to be prepared by a certain date but for some reason everyone else’s desires come before mine. Am I not the one getting married here? If you didn’t want to give me the attention to begin with then don’t make a wedding I didn’t ask for. But one thing I didn’t want is giving me the option and then taking away my right to have an opinion. It’s my wedding. I get the say on what dress I want to wear. I shouldn’t be cornered and demanded to wear something I do not want. I shouldn’t have to wait three weeks to buy what I need and then forced to take off from work because you couldn’t manage to find any time during the three weeks I told you I was available. Just like it’s not up to you if I want to have surgery now or later. It’s my life, my body, my time. Or at least that is what I thought.

How wrong we can be. How foolish I am to think people who are supposed to matter will actually care. I thought I was smart. I thought this would make things change. Wrong again. Doesn’t seem like I can ever get it right. I guess it is good that I am going away, far away. With no plans to come back so soon. I doubt I will be summoned. Part of me wishes they’d want me back but the gut inside me knows it’s short term and will not last. It is false. The attention is filled with air and as soon as the outsiders leave the room that beautiful picture pops and I am in rags, emotionally and physically. I don’t know why or what it will take to change these things. They say distance, but I doubt the distance across the globe and back infinity times will ever mend the shattered feelings inside me. This time was it all. I’ve waited and built up to this moment yet somehow I wake up with nightmares that sadly, will come true, of what a beautiful day would have looked like only to be destroyed in every way. No one caring or looking at me. No one realizing the stress, anxiety, happiness, rush of emotions to help me get through it. Me being humiliated because no one thought twice of the person it is all supposed to be about.

I used to say I would do anything to change these feelings, to put in everything I have just to be an equal. I have. Now I know that no matter what I put in I will never get there. Do I succumb to their desires and leave my feelings locked away, to cry in a place all alone surrounded by imaginary beautiful moments that I slowly watch shatter? Or do I not care and dig their fight deeper, show them no respect and continue onwards? Either way I lose. But somehow one way will make everyone else happy. Do I do that? I am not that person. I don’t need to make you happy to be happy. I am happy alone and if you wish to join my happy circle you must have the ability to respect me. Me. Not you. It shouldn’t be too hard yet I am pained watching how many people are failing. I should not even give myself the ability to get hurt anymore, you would think I would be numb by now. Somehow when I became a person again I realized my emotions are what enhanced me and my opinions brought me to life. However, it seems that those around me prefer I be a backdrop in life. Void of emotions, expressions, opinions, feelings, and desires. A robot to follow their every needs. Someone to complete someone else’s picture. Don’t ask them about my own because no one would even know what you are talking about.

Your Editor

A broken connection

I guess birth isn’t a strong enough connection

I don’t know what it is, actually I do, I just wish it weren’t true.

Why is it that a parents dislikes the child they are most alike to? It pains me that every time I say tomatoes she is adamant that I am wrong and really it’s potatoes. It’s like there’s not even a slight iota of a chance that I am ever right or that I can ever have my own opinion. If she thinks it’s pretty, it’s pretty. There’s no room to question, think, express. It’s, to be honest, repressing.

And also, sad.

It pains me to see her rushing to help, chat with, laugh with others and yet when I try and carry a conversation it goes flat so fast it was as if I never even spoke. I feel bad too because my better half gets a lot of heat from them as well. I know there’s something against me but I just wish they wouldn’t take it out on him. I know they think little to nothing of me but he shouldn’t be included in that.

if only it could be a world of tomatoes and potatoes.

Your Editor

You opened it.

And it hurts

I don’t understand how people go through other’s things!

I feel completely violated. I said do not touch it, so DON’T TOUCH IT!! Like, hellooo???! Where has common respect gone?

I don’t care who you are. What you do. Where you come. If it is not yours: You. Do. Not. Touch. It.

It’s not that I am hiding things you can’t see, it’s the fact that it is mine and if I wanted you to see it I would have allowed you too. Okay, well maybe I wrote a few things down that were personal. Doesn’t every person have a right to that? I didn’t think I couldn’t wright down my feelings and that you would snoop.

What hurts the most is the disrespect. I asked you, and you lied to my face, looked me in the eyes and said you didn’t touch it. Guess what? Everyone else told me you did.

Maybe they could all be wrong but it pains me that you couldn’t respect me enough. It hurts a lot. I can’t even say anything to you because you would just make it worse.

Im sad and really pained, I thought our relationship had turned for the better. I didn’t realize we were still holding were we used to be.

Your Editor