I have not had a minute to try new recipes or be in the kitchen and it feels as though a part of me is missing. I love the feeling of putting everything I have into a recipe and staring at the oven as it grows into a beautiful perfection. I must have over 30 cookbooks and I just want more and more. I love being involved with the cooking and baking; it just feels natural to me. Not being in the kitchen for over two months has me itching to just bake all day and try out new recipes. I want to invent and create concoctions that will make people happy. It satisfies me so much hearing people get enjoyment for the things I make. I have no time now, I know I won’t have much time over the next few months but I hope to be able to make as much time as I can. It is important to make time for the things that breathe life into you. It is crucial to surround yourself with things that make you happy in a world filled of darkness and cruelty.
I hope all of you are passionate about something as strongly as I am. If you are not, I highly suggest you make some time to discover what fills your life with positivity, it is a worthwhile investment. Knowing what you can do to make any day turn better, any moment mean more, makes life better.
As the time gets closer to my CPA exam and the wedding I have barely found any time to write at all. Sadly.
I’m a person of simple means that doesn’t require much to please. However, my simple request have been met with such hostility that I feel foolish and small. All I wanted was a cake at my wedding, but for some strange reason I cannot have one. All I wanted was to be able to be prepared by a certain date but for some reason everyone else’s desires come before mine. Am I not the one getting married here? If you didn’t want to give me the attention to begin with then don’t make a wedding I didn’t ask for. But one thing I didn’t want is giving me the option and then taking away my right to have an opinion. It’s my wedding. I get the say on what dress I want to wear. I shouldn’t be cornered and demanded to wear something I do not want. I shouldn’t have to wait three weeks to buy what I need and then forced to take off from work because you couldn’t manage to find any time during the three weeks I told you I was available. Just like it’s not up to you if I want to have surgery now or later. It’s my life, my body, my time. Or at least that is what I thought.
How wrong we can be. How foolish I am to think people who are supposed to matter will actually care. I thought I was smart. I thought this would make things change. Wrong again. Doesn’t seem like I can ever get it right. I guess it is good that I am going away, far away. With no plans to come back so soon. I doubt I will be summoned. Part of me wishes they’d want me back but the gut inside me knows it’s short term and will not last. It is false. The attention is filled with air and as soon as the outsiders leave the room that beautiful picture pops and I am in rags, emotionally and physically. I don’t know why or what it will take to change these things. They say distance, but I doubt the distance across the globe and back infinity times will ever mend the shattered feelings inside me. This time was it all. I’ve waited and built up to this moment yet somehow I wake up with nightmares that sadly, will come true, of what a beautiful day would have looked like only to be destroyed in every way. No one caring or looking at me. No one realizing the stress, anxiety, happiness, rush of emotions to help me get through it. Me being humiliated because no one thought twice of the person it is all supposed to be about.
I used to say I would do anything to change these feelings, to put in everything I have just to be an equal. I have. Now I know that no matter what I put in I will never get there. Do I succumb to their desires and leave my feelings locked away, to cry in a place all alone surrounded by imaginary beautiful moments that I slowly watch shatter? Or do I not care and dig their fight deeper, show them no respect and continue onwards? Either way I lose. But somehow one way will make everyone else happy. Do I do that? I am not that person. I don’t need to make you happy to be happy. I am happy alone and if you wish to join my happy circle you must have the ability to respect me. Me. Not you. It shouldn’t be too hard yet I am pained watching how many people are failing. I should not even give myself the ability to get hurt anymore, you would think I would be numb by now. Somehow when I became a person again I realized my emotions are what enhanced me and my opinions brought me to life. However, it seems that those around me prefer I be a backdrop in life. Void of emotions, expressions, opinions, feelings, and desires. A robot to follow their every needs. Someone to complete someone else’s picture. Don’t ask them about my own because no one would even know what you are talking about.
I would say life but then that would defeat the purpose of you ever continuing to read this blog. Also, remaining anonymous would be much harder.
I will simply say: the story of today, or more like the compilation of the past week or two.
I was about to start typing and my hands were touching the keys that start with “so basically” and I laughed because everyone starts telling stories like that. Well, I shouldn’t say everyone rather I should say some people do. But this isn’t about that, so please excuse my wandering mind. What is it about? Everything and nothing all at once. I am overwhelmed to the bone. I get it why people take years to plan a wedding but at the same time HOW THE HELL CAN YOU MANAGE IT ALL FOR SO LONG?! Sorry– I’ve been trying to control the OCD part of me and it’s been so-so working. There is just so little time to get everything done in but then again it is taking so long to finally come. On top of it all, some really stupid part of my brain thought it would be smart to take my CPA exam, mind you the hardest one, right before the big day. Don’t ask what got into my brain. And as a result, I am spending my hours studying in between the million and two doctors appointments I suddenly have. Why is it that when you get engaged things just flip upside down? It’s like you are trying to fit into two worlds: dating and marriage. I feel like I have no common ground. I see why married people gravitate towards each other; they understand what it means to be so supper busy but nothing getting accomplished (if that makes any sense at all).
Anyhow, enough complaining. I am truly blessed to have someone in my life. There are plenty people out there less fortunate then me. That being said, I will talk about my day, not complain about it.
And I think that is all I can manage right now.
I don’t know how to explain it
I can’t say I get it. But I can tell you that sometimes it makes sense. What it is exactly? I will never know. How it makes sense? Don’t ask me that.
Simple yet complex.
You say you want information, you’re curious, however, the water is deep. Thank God you can swim. Or at least that is what you think, but it is far beyond that. Much deeper than that.
What it is you ask? Don’t ask me that.
Curious? Anxious? Nervous? Scared? Aren’t we all. You are no different and I am no braver. Somehow, we are all supposed to manage.
It’s easier to know sometimes what is going on, how to make sense of it all but despite all the information, there is always something left in the dark, purposely or not. Then again, who said ignorance wasn’t bliss?
Don’t ask me how, what, where, when, or who. Just know that I know as little as you know and as much as you will never know. Because who ever said you know what you don’t know, and knowing that much is knowing more than you’ll ever know, was right.
in life you can’t go backwards, but you also can’t let it hold you back
Everyone had a path in life and although we may all be consumed in what others are doing and how far others have come, at the end of the day, we will achieve all that we are meant to.
When I was fighting my addictions there were days where I just couldn’t be strong, I couldn’t hold back and my better half said something to me that I may not have understood the impact it had on me then and there but now I do. He would list me famous people, like the owner of Macy’s, tell me how many times they failed before they actually succeeded. Most of the time I would just shut him up and be like “I know, I know, you have said this a million times,” but now I realize it did sink in me. Sometimes I find myself telling him “you know the owner of Macy’s failed 9 times before he was finally able to open up a store,” and I can’t help but smile to myself. Now it is his turn to shut me up but who knows, maybe one day he’ll look back and realize it motivated him without him realizing 🙂 .
In this world it is hard to realize that the path you, and only you, are on is the right one, is the one that will lead you to being the happiest. No, you can’t see it. No, you can’t understand it. You are right, it makes no sense why you are sitting in a hospital room and everyone around you is healthy and seemingly so happy. It won’t ever make sense. You will most probably never understand why it took you till age 32 to finally get the job you wanted. You will never understand why it is that you can’t seem to be as wealthy as your friends. But what you can understand is the fact that you will never understand, and that in itself will fill the blanks for all the unanswered questions.
There will always be the question of why, the question of what if. Try and focus on what the next step is; putting one foot in front of the other. Most importantly, try and remember that falling down can and will hurt, but getting back up will make it all worth it.
when you’re irrationally afraid of something you have never experienced
Where do I begin?
I don’t know what it is about childbirth but I am petrified, most people are though. However, I am afraid at a whole new level. When I found out my sister was pregnant, for about the last 4 months of her pregnancy I had nightmares every night. I would wake up drenched in a pool of my own sweat. I didn’t ever go anywhere with her alone and when I did I held my breath until someone came back or we returned. I couldn’t stand the idea of her water breaking and me being the only one there to deal with the situation. Legit, petrified.
I did a lot of things to distract myself but some nights I was afraid to go to sleep because I didn’t know what nightmare I would have and I didn’t want to think about it anymore.
So, when I had to rearrange all my plans last night and come rushing home to deal with the kids while my parents ran to the hospital, I did my very best to think about everything but my mother. I really don’t know what it is or why I am so afraid. My sister ended up having a very, understatement, traumatic birth experience. I wasn’t there to witness it but gosh her face had red splotches from all the blood vessels she popped.
I haven’t had any nightmares for about 5 months now (about giving birth) and I will not begin to let my mind wander down that road because it is the last place I want to be. My better half mentioned last night that we may need to go for counseling when we get pregnant. I think most people take classes and what not, but he is probably right, I may need a little more breathing lessons than others 😉 .
I guess I will let you know when I get to that point in my life 🙂
I am so happy I haven’t changed
I feel really good about myself the last 24 hours and it may sound silly, but here is why:
I read a book!
What I mean by that is: I actually read the book like I used to read books. I have picked up books every now and then but have failed to finish them or read them with as much passion as I used too. I was worried I lost my touch and feeling towards reading and to be honest, it upset me.
However, I am done the book a mere day after starting it. The book that has me so happy is called A Girl’s Guide to Moving On by Debbie Macomber. On the cover is labels her as the New York Times #1 bestselling author and I wonder why almost every book has received the exact same recognition. They make being a New York Times bestseller such an easy thing to be.
Anyways, as happy as I feel, my textbooks are calling my name. It is frustrating because that is the last thing on earth I want to be doing right now.
If you’re not a reader, you are missing out. Reading gets you caught up in a world of thoughts and imagination. Even if you say you’re not the type, reading does wonders for your body. I feel so happy and content within myself and very much happy for the characters that I have spent my afternoon investing in them. It may sound strange and weird but to me they are real; their stories are real. That may make even less sense than what I was saying before… what I mean to say is the author wrote this story and not just because she had a good imagination but there is more to it. Whenever someone writes a book it comes from their life, so yes, Rocco and Nichole may not be physically alive but I am sure there is someone in the author’s life that has caused her to create such people as Rocco and Nichole.
Have I mentioned I love reading? 🙂