My non-existent garden

as of now 🙂

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Photo by Janelle Hewines on Unsplash

As I prepared for marriage one thing that came on my list over and over was I wanted to garden. I want a place for me to grow herbs, fruits, vegetables, and I want to be able to eat them. I want one day our kids to enjoy them, to have fun cutting the weeds out, picking a tomato and watching them eat it knowing that it came from home. It brings me a sense of peace. I do not know where to start, how to start, especially living in a place that is more cold than hot, and also because I haven’t a clue to anything about gardening…. I will get there tho.

For now, I dream of what I will start with, what will grow first, and the what recipes I will use with the things I have spent time bringing to life.

Turns out our new neighbors garden. It is quite ironic because the husband gardens and the wife could care less about it. Though, the more we get to know them the more we are realizing that the ‘normal’ role of husband and wife is reverse when it comes to them- but hey, whatever gets the job done, no? 🙂

Back to gardening … there are endless possibilities of where to start and I am sure as soon as these dreadful exams are done I can pick up and attempt to begin something that I imagine to be beautiful, filled with live, fresh, and emotionally rewarding.

Your Editor

Back from seventh heaven

Hey ya’ll!

Boy does time fly. The wedding came and went so fast. I keep looking at pictures trying to make it sink in, that this actually happened, I am actually a MRS! It is a crazy feeling. Also pretty crazy that it has not hit me! It was beautiful. A night filled with smiles, love, family, friends, and a handsome man to go home with. Mind you all, our ride home was ONE OF A KIND! Not the typical limo. My Husband (AHH!) arranged to get the car of my dream, 1960 Bentley! I was shocked! He completely surprised me, and that was the best part. He knew what I wanted and I did not even realize it!! It made the whole night! We danced our hearts out and left holding each other as one.

Everyone has high expectations of the first night. We came back and I was bent over trying not to throw up, it was comforting knowing my Husband (it won’t ever get old saying it ;)) put me first and made sure I got what I needed to feel better.

Marriage is what you make it. Everyone can tell you what it will and won’t be but at the end of the day your attitude is what will get you the furthest. Things get challenging but a smile and a bit of compromising never killed anyone and actually can get you further than you think. With that in mind, today is a brand new day filled with endless giving, devotion, love, and putting each other first. Take a minute and tell your partner you love them. Reflect on why you chose them to be in your life and you will suddenly be filled with a whole lot of love 🙂

Till next time 😘

Your Editor

The positive theory

Not so much a theory as a new idea that has yet to be fully developed. But- I sort of had to snap out of being so snappy (pun 🙃) so I took a look at what was making me bonkers:

I found that I was not communicating my emotions as much and instead was keeping things bottled up and I was not very happy. I also noticed that when I did not have a busy or structured day it made me a bit wired and on edge (it also gave me time to concentrate on the negative things). For example, being busy gave me the ability to forget the nervs in my stomach. I did not concentrate on hum much this pill affects my body. However, I did take notice that when I did not let myself think that the pill was in control of me, I gave myself the ability to be in control of the pill, which is just already a start in controlling your life and feeling more focused.

Taking all of the above into my list of fuzes made it much easier to figure out how to stay happy. No more not knowing tomorrow’s schedule or waiting around for people to decide when and what to do. Having things organized keeps my head and body in the same spot and just gives me a sense of direction. That being taken care of I moved on to the next issue: communication. I always struggles with communicating, especially after being in an abusive relationship. Just today I watched a seven year old perfectly communicate over to his mother how something someone told him hurt his feelings and caused him to be upset for a few minutes. He used many things to describe his pain and what caused it and the scenario. I was amazed, one because I could only now do that and I barely come close to that and two because his mother responded with such affection and love that the boy felt secure telling over his feelings and did not feel as though he could not say them. I may have been deprived of that in my life but I certainly see and am learning what it takes to properly communicate how and what I am feeling and to also listen to what someone complaining has to say and to make them feel secure to tell me. It takes a lot of effort and is not very easy but the results are worth it. So part of me being able to communicate better will mean that I better organize my day so that I have time to discuss and actually think about how I feel. This also will allow me to get a decent nights sleep, which I have not been getting but need very badly.

All that being said I hope to try and continue to be in control of my life, feelings, words, and most importantly, actions. I think I finally have my head on straight and can take this on with a smile and love. ☺️

Your Editor

What gives you positive feelings?

#happyplace

I have not had a minute to try new recipes or be in the kitchen and it feels as though a part of me is missing. I love the feeling of putting everything I have into a recipe and staring at the oven as it grows into a beautiful perfection. I must have over 30 cookbooks and I just want more and more. I love being involved with the cooking and baking; it just feels natural to me. Not being in the kitchen for over two months has me itching to just bake all day and try out new recipes. I want to invent and create concoctions that will make people happy. It satisfies me so much hearing people get enjoyment for the things I make. I have no time now, I know I won’t have much time over the next few months but I hope to be able to make as much time as I can. It is important to make time for the things that breathe life into you. It is crucial to surround yourself with things that make you happy in a world filled of darkness and cruelty.

I hope all of you are passionate about something as strongly as I am. If you are not, I highly suggest you make some time to discover what fills your life with positivity, it is a worthwhile investment. Knowing what you can do to make any day turn better, any moment mean more, makes life better.

Your Editor

A robot

Not even a person

As the time gets closer to my CPA exam and the wedding I have barely found any time to write at all. Sadly.

I’m a person of simple means that doesn’t require much to please. However, my simple request have been met with such hostility that I feel foolish and small. All I wanted was a cake at my wedding, but for some strange reason I cannot have one. All I wanted was to be able to be prepared by a certain date but for some reason everyone else’s desires come before mine. Am I not the one getting married here? If you didn’t want to give me the attention to begin with then don’t make a wedding I didn’t ask for. But one thing I didn’t want is giving me the option and then taking away my right to have an opinion. It’s my wedding. I get the say on what dress I want to wear. I shouldn’t be cornered and demanded to wear something I do not want. I shouldn’t have to wait three weeks to buy what I need and then forced to take off from work because you couldn’t manage to find any time during the three weeks I told you I was available. Just like it’s not up to you if I want to have surgery now or later. It’s my life, my body, my time. Or at least that is what I thought.

How wrong we can be. How foolish I am to think people who are supposed to matter will actually care. I thought I was smart. I thought this would make things change. Wrong again. Doesn’t seem like I can ever get it right. I guess it is good that I am going away, far away. With no plans to come back so soon. I doubt I will be summoned. Part of me wishes they’d want me back but the gut inside me knows it’s short term and will not last. It is false. The attention is filled with air and as soon as the outsiders leave the room that beautiful picture pops and I am in rags, emotionally and physically. I don’t know why or what it will take to change these things. They say distance, but I doubt the distance across the globe and back infinity times will ever mend the shattered feelings inside me. This time was it all. I’ve waited and built up to this moment yet somehow I wake up with nightmares that sadly, will come true, of what a beautiful day would have looked like only to be destroyed in every way. No one caring or looking at me. No one realizing the stress, anxiety, happiness, rush of emotions to help me get through it. Me being humiliated because no one thought twice of the person it is all supposed to be about.

I used to say I would do anything to change these feelings, to put in everything I have just to be an equal. I have. Now I know that no matter what I put in I will never get there. Do I succumb to their desires and leave my feelings locked away, to cry in a place all alone surrounded by imaginary beautiful moments that I slowly watch shatter? Or do I not care and dig their fight deeper, show them no respect and continue onwards? Either way I lose. But somehow one way will make everyone else happy. Do I do that? I am not that person. I don’t need to make you happy to be happy. I am happy alone and if you wish to join my happy circle you must have the ability to respect me. Me. Not you. It shouldn’t be too hard yet I am pained watching how many people are failing. I should not even give myself the ability to get hurt anymore, you would think I would be numb by now. Somehow when I became a person again I realized my emotions are what enhanced me and my opinions brought me to life. However, it seems that those around me prefer I be a backdrop in life. Void of emotions, expressions, opinions, feelings, and desires. A robot to follow their every needs. Someone to complete someone else’s picture. Don’t ask them about my own because no one would even know what you are talking about.

Your Editor

The story of my —-

Upside down world

I would say life but then that would defeat the purpose of you ever continuing to read this blog. Also, remaining anonymous would be much harder.

I will simply say: the story of today, or more like the compilation of the past week or two.

Sigh

I was about to start typing and my hands were touching the keys that start with “so basically” and I laughed because everyone starts telling stories like that. Well, I shouldn’t say everyone rather I should say some people do. But this isn’t about that, so please excuse my wandering mind. What is it about? Everything and nothing all at once. I am overwhelmed to the bone. I get it why people take years to plan a wedding but at the same time HOW THE HELL CAN YOU MANAGE IT ALL FOR SO LONG?! Sorry– I’ve been trying to control the OCD part of me and it’s been so-so working. There is just so little time to get everything done in but then again it is taking so long to finally come. On top of it all, some really stupid part of my brain thought it would be smart to take my CPA exam, mind you the hardest one, right before the big day. Don’t ask what got into my brain. And as a result, I am spending my hours studying in between the million and two doctors appointments I suddenly have. Why is it that when you get engaged things just flip upside down? It’s like you are trying to fit into two worlds: dating and marriage. I feel like I have no common ground. I see why married people gravitate towards each other; they understand what it means to be so supper busy but nothing getting accomplished (if that makes any sense at all).

Anyhow, enough complaining. I am truly blessed to have someone in my life. There are plenty people out there less fortunate then me. That being said, I will talk about my day, not complain about it.

And I think that is all I can manage right now.

Your Editor

Don’t ask

I don’t know how to explain it

I can’t say I get it. But I can tell you that sometimes it makes sense. What it is exactly? I will never know. How it makes sense? Don’t ask me that.

Simple yet complex.

You say you want information, you’re curious, however, the water is deep. Thank God you can swim. Or at least that is what you think, but it is far beyond that. Much deeper than that.

What it is you ask? Don’t ask me that.

Curious? Anxious? Nervous? Scared? Aren’t we all. You are no different and I am no braver. Somehow, we are all supposed to manage.

It’s easier to know sometimes what is going on, how to make sense of it all but despite all the information, there is always something left in the dark, purposely or not. Then again, who said ignorance wasn’t bliss?

Don’t ask me how, what, where, when, or who. Just know that I know as little as you know and as much as you will never know. Because who ever said you know what you don’t know, and knowing that much is knowing more than you’ll ever know, was right.

Your Editor