More than just afraid of the unknown

when you’re irrationally afraid of something you have never experienced

Where do I begin?

I don’t know what it is about childbirth but I am petrified, most people are though. However, I am afraid at a whole new level. When I found out my sister was pregnant, for about the last 4 months of her pregnancy I had nightmares every night. I would wake up drenched in a pool of my own sweat. I didn’t ever go anywhere with her alone and when I did I held my breath until someone came back or we returned. I couldn’t stand the idea of her water breaking and me being the only one there to deal with the situation. Legit, petrified.

I did a lot of things to distract myself but some nights I was afraid to go to sleep because I didn’t know what nightmare I would have and I didn’t want to think about it anymore.

So, when I had to rearrange all my plans last night and come rushing home to deal with the kids while my parents ran to the hospital, I did my very best to think about everything but my mother. I really don’t know what it is or why I am so afraid. My sister ended up having a very, understatement, traumatic birth experience. I wasn’t there to witness it but gosh her face had red splotches from all the blood vessels she popped.

I haven’t had any nightmares for about 5 months now (about giving birth) and I will not begin to let my mind wander down that road because it is the last place I want to be. My better half mentioned last night that we may need to go for counseling when we get pregnant. I think most people take classes and what not, but he is probably right, I may need a little more breathing lessons than others 😉 .

I guess I will let you know when I get to that point in my life 🙂

Your Editor



I am so happy I haven’t changed

I feel really good about myself the last 24 hours and it may sound silly, but here is why:

I read a book!

What I mean by that is: I actually read the book like I used to read books. I have picked up books every now and then but have failed to finish them or read them with as much passion as I used too. I was worried I lost my touch and feeling towards reading and to be honest, it upset me.

However, I am done the book a mere day after starting it. The book that has me so happy is called A Girl’s Guide to Moving On by Debbie Macomber. On the cover is labels her as the New York Times #1 bestselling author and I wonder why almost every book has received the exact same recognition. They make being a New York Times bestseller such an easy thing to be.

Anyways, as happy as I feel, my textbooks are calling my name. It is frustrating because that is the last thing on earth I want to be doing right now.

If you’re not a reader, you are missing out. Reading gets you caught up in a world of thoughts and imagination. Even if you say you’re not the type, reading does wonders for your body. I feel so happy and content within myself and very much happy for the characters that I have spent my afternoon investing in them. It may sound strange and weird but to me they are real; their stories are real. That may make even less sense than what I was saying before… what I mean to say is the author wrote this story and not just because she had a good imagination but there is more to it. Whenever someone writes a book it comes from their life, so yes, Rocco and Nichole may not be physically alive but I am sure there is someone in the author’s life that has caused her to create such people as Rocco and Nichole.

Have I mentioned I love reading? 🙂

Your Editor


My dream

follow what makes you happiest, you only live once

There is a short list of things I absolutely love to do and they are: bake, cook, write, puzzles, and read. Let’s start from the bottom first:

Reading: my whole high school I spent in the back of a classroom reading a different book every couple of days. My grandmother is the type of person that had a bottomless library and whenever I went over, I stashed a bunch for the week. It was a bit tricky though because my parents didn’t approve of what I read so I would have to hide them. That usually meant sneaking them into the bathroom and staying in there for hours trying to finish the book or waiting until I heard my sister fast asleep and taking out a flashlight to read under my blanket. I read so many books, some of my favorites are:

  • Beyond Eden by Catherine Coulter
  • Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand
  • The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
  • Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
  • The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson (the whole series)

I also read most of the Star Wars books, though I am not one of those extreme fans. I am not usually obsessed with books like those are with Star Wars, Harry Potter, and all the other big series. It is funny because my younger siblings are all reading the books I read when I was their age and it brings back many memories. There was also another series that I oddly enjoyed: Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer. A lot of the books I don’t remember by name anymore, I only remember when I see the front cover. The more I spend time writing this, the more books are coming back into my mind 🙂 .

So why did I stop reading? I got a lot of books taken away, a lot of arguments with my parents about how I am too young to be reading this or that, and just because I ran out of time, plus, I felt like I read everything. Now a days I pick up a book and it’s like reading a porn script. I just want a good book not something so obvious how everything will end. However, I plan to start subscribing to: Crate of Joy, (creds to my Pilate’s teacher for telling me about this!). Also, there’s just no time to read now 😦 it makes me really sad to admit that but it is true. I need to make time though… in between all that studying.

Puzzles: yes, I am one of those. Give me a puzzle, any puzzle, and I will be happy for hours. The problem was that every time I started a 1000 piece puzzle or 2000 piece puzzle no matter how I hide the puzzle, locked my door, bought the puzzle contraption thing to keep my puzzle all together, one of the kids would get to it and I would come home to all my puzzle pieces scattered all over the house. No matter if I counted all the pieces and finally was able to start all over again, the next day somehow the puzzle pieces would be scattered all over the house yet again. After not being able to finish so many puzzles and having to throw them out because I just can’t find the last piece; I have given up on puzzles for the time being but they are still part of my happy place.

Write: I wrote a book when I was in high school (one of the other things I did in class when I couldn’t pull off reading a book in front of the teacher). I didn’t publish it…. yet. A lot of kids would read it in class and they all loved it. To be honest with you, I loved and hated writing it. It’s easier to write when life is upside down and everything seems so black. It is a lot harder to write when you’re on stable ground, the words don’t flow as fast or as smooth and everything sounds ten times better when it is coming from a place of deep emotion. I used to write poems of some sorts but those are in the trash or at the bottom of the ocean. My better half is the one that pushed me to blog. I mentioned it and he ran with it. He knows what I need to be happy 🙂 .

Cooking & Baking: I LOVE the kitchen. Love is an understatement it is just the one place that no matter what I am feeling can make me feel better. I stress bake a lot. Once I made 6 batches of chocolate chip cookies and 2 batches of brownie bars in one night. It just makes me happy. I love it. I am happy just thinking about it.

So what is my dream…?

I want to go to culinary school. I want to learn to cook better. Baking comes, thank God, naturally, but cooking is a bit tougher for me and I want to try it until I am as good as I am at baking. I am not THAT amazing at baking but I would consider myself pretty okay for someone who has had no teaching or time to invest in teaching myself. I wish I can just pause life and just spend time traveling the world and learning the foods of different countries and how to make all the flavors go together to create magic in your mouth when you take a bite. I wish I can open up a little bakery where I just work myself and create and put things together that make people happy. I feel so satisfied taking things out of the oven and watching people enjoy eating something I made.

I won’t give up, even if I have to start at the bottom and spend time doing things I don’t enjoy as much so that I can save up money to do what I love, I will do it. Who knows, maybe I will still be blogging and maybe you’ll all hear all about it.

I heard a speech once about this Disney animator who described his story of how he got to work for Disney, which was his dream. He had a dream, he knew what he wanted, and that is the first place everyone needs to start. Find something you just can’t live without, something that starts a fire within you and do something about it. Unlike all those people out there, myself included, that have a dream, passion, and do nothing about it. Take your dream and you have the equal sign to your equation. Simply find what things you will need to add up together to make your dream come true. This man knew he had to apply to 4 top colleges in order to even be considered by Disney so his equation began: one of the 4 colleges= Disney animator. When he got to that college he realized that in order to get his dream he would need an internship at Disney, so his equation expanded: one of the 4 colleges + internship at Disney = Disney animator. As the years went on he focused on his solution, adding anything that he encountered that could possibly help him reach the end of his equation. Sure enough, he did it. He now works as a Disney animator and worked on a lot of the classical movies, as well as more current ones. But more importantly, he followed his dream. He left us with two things: 1. no dream is impossible so don’t ever think yours is 2. he made us all write down on a piece of paper this quote: “nobody worked harder today than me.”

What does it mean? It means you can go to sleep knowing you did everything in your power today to get you one step closer to fulfilling your dream, and if you can’t say that to yourself every night before you go to bed then don’t go to bed until you can.

Your Editor