As the time gets closer to my CPA exam and the wedding I have barely found any time to write at all. Sadly.
I’m a person of simple means that doesn’t require much to please. However, my simple request have been met with such hostility that I feel foolish and small. All I wanted was a cake at my wedding, but for some strange reason I cannot have one. All I wanted was to be able to be prepared by a certain date but for some reason everyone else’s desires come before mine. Am I not the one getting married here? If you didn’t want to give me the attention to begin with then don’t make a wedding I didn’t ask for. But one thing I didn’t want is giving me the option and then taking away my right to have an opinion. It’s my wedding. I get the say on what dress I want to wear. I shouldn’t be cornered and demanded to wear something I do not want. I shouldn’t have to wait three weeks to buy what I need and then forced to take off from work because you couldn’t manage to find any time during the three weeks I told you I was available. Just like it’s not up to you if I want to have surgery now or later. It’s my life, my body, my time. Or at least that is what I thought.
How wrong we can be. How foolish I am to think people who are supposed to matter will actually care. I thought I was smart. I thought this would make things change. Wrong again. Doesn’t seem like I can ever get it right. I guess it is good that I am going away, far away. With no plans to come back so soon. I doubt I will be summoned. Part of me wishes they’d want me back but the gut inside me knows it’s short term and will not last. It is false. The attention is filled with air and as soon as the outsiders leave the room that beautiful picture pops and I am in rags, emotionally and physically. I don’t know why or what it will take to change these things. They say distance, but I doubt the distance across the globe and back infinity times will ever mend the shattered feelings inside me. This time was it all. I’ve waited and built up to this moment yet somehow I wake up with nightmares that sadly, will come true, of what a beautiful day would have looked like only to be destroyed in every way. No one caring or looking at me. No one realizing the stress, anxiety, happiness, rush of emotions to help me get through it. Me being humiliated because no one thought twice of the person it is all supposed to be about.
I used to say I would do anything to change these feelings, to put in everything I have just to be an equal. I have. Now I know that no matter what I put in I will never get there. Do I succumb to their desires and leave my feelings locked away, to cry in a place all alone surrounded by imaginary beautiful moments that I slowly watch shatter? Or do I not care and dig their fight deeper, show them no respect and continue onwards? Either way I lose. But somehow one way will make everyone else happy. Do I do that? I am not that person. I don’t need to make you happy to be happy. I am happy alone and if you wish to join my happy circle you must have the ability to respect me. Me. Not you. It shouldn’t be too hard yet I am pained watching how many people are failing. I should not even give myself the ability to get hurt anymore, you would think I would be numb by now. Somehow when I became a person again I realized my emotions are what enhanced me and my opinions brought me to life. However, it seems that those around me prefer I be a backdrop in life. Void of emotions, expressions, opinions, feelings, and desires. A robot to follow their every needs. Someone to complete someone else’s picture. Don’t ask them about my own because no one would even know what you are talking about.
I don’t understand how people go through other’s things!
I feel completely violated. I said do not touch it, so DON’T TOUCH IT!! Like, hellooo???! Where has common respect gone?
I don’t care who you are. What you do. Where you come. If it is not yours: You. Do. Not. Touch. It.
It’s not that I am hiding things you can’t see, it’s the fact that it is mine and if I wanted you to see it I would have allowed you too. Okay, well maybe I wrote a few things down that were personal. Doesn’t every person have a right to that? I didn’t think I couldn’t wright down my feelings and that you would snoop.
What hurts the most is the disrespect. I asked you, and you lied to my face, looked me in the eyes and said you didn’t touch it. Guess what? Everyone else told me you did.
Maybe they could all be wrong but it pains me that you couldn’t respect me enough. It hurts a lot. I can’t even say anything to you because you would just make it worse.
Im sad and really pained, I thought our relationship had turned for the better. I didn’t realize we were still holding were we used to be.
Tell me something embarrassing
I was an interesting child growing up: too old for my age, wild, smiley, and full of very awkward moments. One such as the story below:
I had this best friend in preschool and we played all sorts of games. One day during school we were bored so I decided to come up with a new game to keep us entertained. Generally in preschool they have all sorts of toys in a classroom such as kitchen sets, fake food, etc. Being the crazy me that I was (and maybe still am) I told my friend to stick a fake doughnut in his mouth and I would stand a few feet away from him and kick the doughnut out of his mouth. The first few rounds went great, I kicked it, then he kicked it but then when I got to kick again, I guess I kicked a little too hard… because his two front teeth went flying along with the doughnut!
I was extremely in shock and he was screaming from the pain and blood everywhere. The teachers had no clue what it was that caused it and when I tried explaining that we were just playing I wounded up on the floor in the principles office crying my eyeballs out because we were just playing! In the end, I came in the next day with a yellow smiley face shaped bag with black marker eyes and a mouth, filled with fruit roll-ups, gushers, crayons and a coloring book (don’t ask me why I remember all of that). The day after that, I never saw my friend again.
Well… not never but it felt like never. Until one day in high school I find this girl staring at me weirdly, whispering and looking at me, and following me. Later I found out it was my friend’s sister and they had moved back into town. Boy, was I excited. (sarcasm)
My Mother then of course had to run into them at a school function and I had to listen to them laugh at how crazy I was and how watch we’d end up as lovers because I knocked his teeth out.
What do you know, I am engaged to be married to a completely different human being, what are the odds. (sarcasm)
I think it’s more embarrassing for him to say a girl knocked out his teeth than for me to say I did it 🙂 or maybe that’s just my perspective after years of covering my face in embarrassment.
Depending who you ask I suppose
It’s funny how life surprises you sometimes. I feel like we’re all living some sort of reality show and each of us (or I should say some of us) are living off each other.
I don’t know what to make of all the mixed emotions and craziness combined with all the positive events, it has just turned into a cat playing with a ball of yarn: I have no clue where the cat is (and that’s me, if none of you guys got that).
I think that is why I like dry, bitter, comedy. Everyone’s life is crazy but they some how make it into a humorous event. I find myself telling over my “reality show” to people in a very similar way.
I don’t want my blog post to be negative so I turn that negativity into humor. I am sure there is a psychological word for it or something.
So here’s an episode of today’s events:
I am laying on the doctors bed or whatever you call those things with my bra off and my sister FaceTimes in, of course my mother is there and answers because why not let my sister and brother in law see my topless? I then listen to then small talk on VERY high volume that I am almost sure everyone in the doctors office heard them. Mind you, the conversation went something like this: how are you? Good, how are you? Where are you? At the Doctor with you sister (camera turns towards me- I completely ignore) what did the doctor say? We didn’t see him yet. Oh, okay, what else? Nothing (shrug of a shoulder) did you take a nap? you’re going to be tired tonight. (Mind you she’s married for a few years now) Nah, I don’t have time to. Okay, well the doctors here so we’ll talk later. Okay, bye.
Now what exactly was the point of that conversation? Anyway, doctor comes in and I am touched with very cold hands. I don’t get it, can’t doctors like warm their hands before they touch your bare skin? Its freezing enough in the office as it is! He then proceeds to tell me an analogy of how my surgery will go: “well you see, it’s like taking a pie of pizza and we’ll just cut off a really small slice and close the pizza back together”…. and there goes pizza for me.
However, don’t you worry because it will only be a slightly deformed pie of pizza.
I am now wondering the psychology behind comparing my nipple to pizza.
I have been thinking about this idea for a while and I finally found myself some time to write it all out and actually carry through with it:
Once a week I will have a post labeled “Tell Me Something Embarrassing” where I will write about a time in my life that was awkward, uncomfortable, weird, etc. The point of doing this is to move on in a way. Part of dealing with past experiences and getting over situations that you are embarrassed or ashamed of that happened in the past is to think/talk about them and then play the scenario back but include the things you would do differently. This shows you that 1. if you were put in the situation again your adult self will be able to handle it in a way that doesn’t make you uncomfortable and 2. it helps you get over the situation.
Please do not hesitate to go through this “exercise” of sorts on your own blog, label your post as I did and link it to this post. I find this helped me through situations I was deeply ashamed about and now, though still a bit embarrassed, I am able to talk about it more than I used to. I am not a doctor though, just offering some helpful, creative ways that helped me progress in my life.
For today I would like to share this story:
When I was five years old, kindergarten, I used to finish my homework really fast so my mother to keep me busy would print out sheets herself from other work books and have me do them. One day I walked into class with a pile of homework sheets and gave them out to a few of my friends for homework. It wouldn’t have been awkward if the story ended there… somehow one of the kids actually took it seriously and was struggling with the homework and I guess when his mother asked him about it he said I had given it to him. That led the boys mother to then call my mother and ask for some explanation as to why her daughter was giving out homework. Which then led to my mother rebuking me for doing something like that. It was awkward for me because my mother had to get involved, she was embarrassed and I felt that in the way she told me off and till this day it bothers me that I was so foolish. When I was younger I would block this story from my mind because I couldn’t handle ever finishing thinking about the whole scenario. It bothered me that my friend didn’t understand that he wasn’t supposed to show it to his mother. It bothered me that adults had to be involved. Obviously, I was a kid and didn’t know the difference but if I could go back I definitely would not have handed out work sheets.
Come back for more embarrassing moments of my life sometime next week ☺️