My Day

really just a brief moment in my head

It may sound a bit crazy but what is life if it isn’t?

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I am a very “list” type of person. I write a million ones all over the place. I know it is February but I just bought my 2018 calendar (which are so important- when you don’t like your calendar, there is a problem). CVS did not have as wide of a selection as I would have liked… but it will do. (Just BTW because I am not SOO obsessed with it, I have not been using it as much- point proven).

My life is currently like that movie Bride Wars with Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway. No, my best friend is not getting married on the same day as me, but some other selfish person decided to reserve the hall the same day I did and now it’s one big mess. The difference is the hall isn’t big enough for two weddings. But that was like the one day where all my million siblings and family members and pregnant ladies finally agreed on. Not to mention everyone’s camp schedules. I don’t know about you but I am pretty sure the day is for the bride and groom and everyone else can go screw themselves. My real question though is: is there a bride out there that isn’t stressed out?

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So now after finally all agreeing on a date, we got to go through the whole process all over again and to be quite honest with you I am very close to just eloping and forgetting the whole thing. I never wanted a big wedding. Now I am starting to want one less and less everyday. But at the end of the day, as much as they say the wedding is for the bride it really is not; it’s for the mother of the bride. So while my mother is popping out her kid and my sister is popping out hers, somewhere in the midst of all that I will become a Mrs.

I told my parents to just let me know what day I am getting married. Yep, read that again, still sounds just as crazy as when I typed it out.

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As if it wasn’t enough, my Pilate’s teacher decided to quit. My one escape from life is now officially over the first week of March, and trust me that is coming up sooner than I want it to.

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Despite all the negativism, my better half seems to be handling this, or I really should say me, pretty well. He introduced me to beef jerky the other day. Yes, I know you’re probably thinking “what?! You never had beef jerky?!” Yes, I never had beef jerky. But I will tell you that I found it to be really good and what is even better: I am getting a package in the mail from my better half himself.

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And now everything seems to be that much more manageable.

Good luck with your day,

Your Editor

Flowers

Know what your kids need to hear

It took me a long time to get over flower and beach pictures. Why? because every single doctors office has flowers hanging on the walls. I hate looking at something so calm when I am freaking out inside. Pictures of the beach make me cringe. I was about 10 years old I think when I had my first physical at the doctor’s office. My Mother sat in the room playing with her baby as if completely oblivious to what was going on, and I went completely still as the Doctor stuck her hand in my underwear.  I will never not be grossed out of hearing “relax, close your eyes, think of the beach and the waves.” I will never picture the beach again. I was really angry at my mother for letting the doctor do that. It freaked me out. She gave me no warning whatsoever about what she was about to do! Like, hello?! Tell me you’re about to look at my vagina! After that appointment I remember the drive home where my mother said, “you can’t be so uptight around your doctor.” I didn’t respond, I was still very much freaked out how she could just sit there bouncing her kid on her lap and making him laugh as this Doctor checked me.

Obviously, this is just a normal thing, everyone gets a physical, but they also know they are getting a physical. They don’t just feel so violated like that.

I found it funny how now when I go to the doctor’s office I am so open, I strip before they even tell me I need to. I totally do not care. I find myself staring at the flower picture and trying not to get aggravated at them. I noticed that my blog posts pictures are filled with pictures of flowers. I guess it just reminds me of how everything can look so pretty and yet be a huge mess and no one would be the wiser.

It’s weird. It’s uncomfortable. Don’t put your kids through it.

But that wasn’t the point I was trying to make. What I am trying to say is that just like I can’t be so uptight with my doctor, you can’t be so uptight with your kids. There was a picture going around of Kim Kardashian topless and the photographer of the photo was her 4-year-old daughter. Some people can take that to mean Kim was trying to teach her daughter confidence (I find it completely weird, but maybe that is just because I didn’t grow up like that). There are always people you know that have that relationship with their mother/sister where they pee together, see each other naked. I am not talking about that end of the spectrum, I am simple talking about communicating with your daughter about her body. Not making her feel weird about it. Puberty age is challenging for everyone, it is awkward, don’t make it any more awkward than it needs to be. Don’t ignore what needs to be done. Don’t push-off those conversations. Being able to talk about those things with your mother will actually make the situation easier.

You’re probably thinking: obviously. But if it really was so obvious then why are kids still turning to the Internet, their friends, guys? It can really mess your kids up.

Your Editor

OXOXO

give me love the way I need it

I say that, you say XOXO.

Who cares?

You do. But guess what? Now every time I say it I make sure to say it my way because I know it gets to you.

I’m smiling. You would be too.

It is times like these, moments like these, words like these, that just make us, US. 

Have your own language, find things that make both of you smile and laugh.  I watched this movie where the ‘thing’ they had together was she wanted a kiss on the nose from him.  So when they argued she would just tap her nose and she’d make him kiss her again and again until it felt just as it would when they weren’t fighting.  It is like having those words that you just can’t say them angrily: bubbles, giggles. Try yelling bubbles, see how far you get without hearing how ridiculous you sound.

There is a book that talks about the 5 love languages that people have and can I just ask why there can’t just be one?!! The book is a very good book but still—– it is hard to have different love languages.  I guess that is how you know when you really love someone; you really got to go out of your comfort zone and do what makes them happy. If you have any friends that are getting married or even in relationships, it is a great present.

But back to what I was saying… I think everyone should know what language they speak, this way if they feel like they are not getting what they need from their partner they could see if maybe their partner isn’t speaking the language they need to hear.

How do you discover that?

I’ll tell you how I did. I realized that my better half and I needed different things when we possessed any sort of emotion. For example, if he did something sweet for me I would show a bunch of different facial expressions in the moment, freak out, hug him, thank him and love whatever it is he did for me. However, he didn’t feel like I cared for it much because I didn’t express to him in words at the moment, later on in the day, or even a week later that I had very much valued what he did for me.  At first this was hard to get used to because 1. I never used to express how I was feeling, I just never knew how to put my words into feelings, 2. you have to really know a lot of different adjectives to not sound like a parrot. Now though, I am an almost expert at it; I can tell you how much I appreciated what you did for me in so many different words.  It takes a lot of practice. A lot of time. A lot of conversations trying to figure out what it is that would make him or me feel loved. I’d same my love language is easier than his but that is just because I am not used to verbally expressing how I feel. I am very physical. I like to be hugged, kissed, cuddled, brought something sweet, or anything of that nature. Pour me a cup of water and it will make me feel good inside.

Anyway, after I searched the words “OXOXO,” I realized he’s right and it is “XOXO.” But what if I want to give you a hug first and then a kiss?

I guess that’s just my love language.

Your Editor

 

The craziness of life

I decided to just write today, even if it has no meaning or purpose at all, I just have so much on my mind and head that I want to get off.

It’s a crazy week this week, I have a million (okay that is an exaggeration) different family members staying by my house and I have to give up my room and it is just so frustrating. I legit had to move everything out and just organize all my stuff because I don’t need my sister’s husband all over my closet. Not that he’s the type but STILL – so awkward.  Then my mother tells me that I got to finish baking my brother’s birthday cake a week before his birthday because other family members want to be there for the ‘no party, party,’ because there really is no party. Just my cake.

My Pilate’s teacher laughs at the craziness of my life.  Today I told her I could do stand up comedy and I would be so good at it.  Should I tell you why? because my life is so crazy and there would be just so much to talk about. But I guess I should be thankful, don’t get me wrong, I am, just everyone needs to vent once in a while.

You know when you have so much work to do but of things you do NOT want to be doing? and then you have so much work to do of things you DO want to do? Well that is my life right now. Obviously, I do not want to have to deal with everything I need to deal with, which just stresses me out more. The day isn’t long enough. But then again nor is the night and yes, yes, I know: take one thing at a time! but I just can’t help it! I want to get everything done now! I was the girl who the minute an assignment was scheduled I had it done that night, MAX the next day.  Because I just don’t like having a list of things to do.  I like having the ability to choose what I want to do and when. Despite the fact that I have a million different lists.

Anyway my life is about to get even more hectic because my mother, yes my mother, is having her 10th, yes I said the 10th child. Yay me 🙂 It’s great, it’s nice, it’s beautiful, except when I got to raise them and then it’s like if I wanted that, I’d just have my own kids. The truth is she does raise them, just when I get home she can’t handle them anymore (which makes sense after having to deal with them all day, just sucks for me).

I also am a very giving person.  Sometimes I give wayyy too much though and it shoots me in the leg (and I say the leg and not any other part of my body because I can’t do anything that requires my feet afterwards).  So because my cousin is on and off in the hospital, I told my Aunt and Uncle that I’d stop by and entertain their other son. Which of course is happening tomorrow, the same day that a million of those family members and other beings are coming into my house.  But I figured I’d rather not be in the middle of two very pregnant woman, 8 kids under the age of 12, and 6 people ranging from 15-22. Oh wait… I forgot my 80 something year old grandparents (God bless them), and my brothers two friends, and my mother’s sister from Holland and her husband. Where would you rather be?

I miss my better half. At times like these I really wish he was here: 1. it would make my life a thousand times easier and 2. I’d be able to actually have a face-to-face conversation with him which would be so much better because when I’m stressed I make no sense. I am trying to ignore the fact that I have my CPA exams coming up and that I really need to focus on studying. How do people manage all these things?! It is times like this that I really just need to stop everything I’m doing and just take a big, long deep breath and not panic when I’m done.

You know what I miss most? Just sitting down and being able to read a book, with not a care in the world, and all the time on my hands. When we’re kids we are all so busy trying to grow up as fast as we can and now that we are all here it’s like where is my time?

Your Editor

Emily Kelly

not giving up when it becomes hard

The New York Times posted an article written by Emily Kelly about her husband’s situation.

First I’d like to start with: WOW.  I don’t know if it just because the younger generations are made up of people that give up before even trying but Emily Kelly really does not give up.  I have never been in a relationship with someone famous but I figure it is probably a lot harder than a typical one; everything you do is on display.

I was listening this morning to Shannon talk about how she is just tired of putting on an act for people. Life is hard enough as it is to then have to put a smile on for everyone and make everyone laugh! It reminds me of that new show that Amazon Prime is streaming:  The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, her life is a mess yet and that is what she talks about on the stage and everyone is laughing.  In a way that is how we deal with our hard situations; we make a joke out of it and feed off other people’s laughter.

Back to Emily….

I am sure there were moments where she felt like this wasn’t fair to her and she didn’t deserve this, nor did her kids, but at the end of the day she did everything she could to help her husband.  She went to doctor after doctor (and that really is not easy), moved the whole family, and got hurt by her own husband.  It is not easy to remember that someone is just not okay and that is why they say certain things that are painful.  In life today we expect so much from people that we cannot fathom how they can act like that and when we put in a small bit of effort and it doesn’t show results we get even more upset because ‘how could they do this to me! and I tried so hard!’ But you obviously didn’t try hard enough.

She writes in her article:

It wasn’t until I joined a private Facebook group of more than 2,400 women, all connected in some way to current or former N.F.L. players, that I realized I wasn’t alone.

Becoming a part of a group of people going through similar situations made it easier. It gives you a sense of you’re not doing this alone, there are other people out there in the world that are hurting, maybe even in situations worse off than your own. You hear about support groups for people in relationships with recovering addicts of all sorts but not as much as you hear about support groups for the people with the actual problem.

Everyone is in some situation that is affecting them, sadly the world has become a place where we cannot show those pains without being diagnosed with a disorder.  Why can someone just need a hug and not a bottle of pills? I’m rambling here sorry…

I look up to Emily Kelly how she was able to say the truth. There were times they fought and times that were beautiful but at the end of the day, she put her feelings aside and looked at the bigger picture. She realized the man she loved was in pain and hurting and even though he never may have verbally expressed it, she uncovered it. She didn’t let the sharp words cause her to give up but rather she fought for who she believed in and now she is fighting for a greater cause; expressing her pain to make others aware of it.

Shannon talked about her pain to make others know that they weren’t alone.

Not giving up, talking about how you feel, not only helps your relationships and others around you but also yourself. So even if you were a completely selfish person, sharing your pain may bring about more good than you realize.

Your Editor

 

I miss you

come home already

I guess it is a good thing when you still can miss someone so much after so long (pun intended). There are just so many moments that go by where I just look around as if searching for him, to catch his eye, to share an acknowledging look with.  I don’t ever want to know what it feels like to not be able to meet your eyes.

Life apart teaches you how much you should value life together. Even the moments where you argue, it is all a thousand percent worth it.  But can I just say that I miss you? I miss seeing your face in the morning and when I try and FaceTime you seems like poor connection always gets the better of us.  It is like the distance isn’t far enough that the missed calls, the ‘failed to send’ messages, and the horrible Wifi just needs to add more space between us.  In a way it makes finally seeing you so enjoyable.  But in another way, waiting is pure torture.  I have found distracting myself to be of some assistance but it doesn’t last long. What does help is thinking of you and finding creative ways to make you smile, even if it is from a million miles away.  It is finding the quotes that say: I miss you as much as a bitch misses the point. The things that make me laugh because I know you will laugh too. Our love is strong and that is what fuels us, but what satiates my missing pains?

Looking at old pictures, moments, special letters is so bittersweet; you never know if you should smile or cry. Not letting it get the best of you is so damn hard. You suddenly notice that couple sitting on the far right corner of the bus and that is all you can see. That is all that your world is made up of. Then you take a deep breath and try and distract yourself only to find your eyes somehow keep going back to that couple on the far right corner of the bus.

Marry me?

Your Editor

That family.

what you see may not be what it seems

You know those families where there’s a million people walking in and out of the house, half of them live there, and the other half consider it their home? I wouldn’t say exactly that is my family but along those lines.

The thing is there is just sooo many of us. I know I shouldn’t be talking because there are people that cannot have children and others that wish they could of had a sibling.  Sadly, when you grow up with one thing the other thing that you didn’t have just sounds so much better; the grass is always greener on the other side. 

So, like many of us we take out our fake happy self in order to deal with family. If it is because we can’t stand them, or they can’t appreciate us for us, or they always manage to make a fight out of everything, some of us find ourselves just creating a fake picture to present.  It is almost like meeting someone for the very first time… you’re not to open with them and everything about your life is just amazing and great.

That is just sad.

Because family is supposed to be the people you can lean on.  How is it that the people that formed us to who we are today have become the people we try and avoid? Even for good things; why can’t it be that you call your sister and not your best friend first?

There are of course people, or I should say families, that have mastered this ability to actually love everyone inside the family and somehow manage to get along with everyone as well. It takes talent but it also takes simple manners.

When it comes to my family, we all love each other, some more than others…. but to everyone else in the world we are that family. We are the family that looks perfect, acts perfect, does everything anyone needs perfectly, is an endless giving fountain, and a free room and board. It is great. Even if we do not like it, there are people there. Even if it means we are getting kicked out of our room, there are still people there.  Now, don’t get me wrong, it is nice… sometimes. It also teaches us a lot of lifelong qualities about how you should act to others less fortunate than you.

So, there is the good and the bad, like every family and it all really depends where you fall in line and how you choose to look at the whole situation (situation may be the wrong word because a situation usually has a start and an end, with family it never ends).

One thing I am beginning to learn more and more is that you really cannot change anyone and the greatest relief you will have is when you just stop trying to.

Your Editor