don’t always be so judgemental
My co-worker’s marriage is a….. there’s just no words to describe it. Before her big wedding day, she’d come into work and talk about how horrible her future mother-in-law is and how her fiance has communication issues because of his mother, and she’d go on and on and on. I wondered then why she didn’t just not get married. It wasn’t like there was a bad day once in a while, there was a bad day every day, and maybe ever so often there would be a day were she didn’t complain or bash something that he did.
There is just so many issues wrong with their relationship then, and now that they are married…. oh boy. I sit at my desk at work and try really hard to keep myself from giving her a lesson or two on her marriage.
Before the wedding there was this whole mix up about the groomsmen’s shirts and somehow it was all her fiance’s fault: “he was supposed to order the shirts a month ago, he was supposed to do this, I told him to do that.” You know those people that tell you “I told you so,” don’t you just want to slap them in the face? Well trust me I felt like doing something to shut her up. Like, shouldn’t their wedding day, the beautifulness of it all, overpower the stupid fight over blue shirts?
It’s like my co-worker can’t think for herself; she talks to everyone about how horrible her relationship is, takes advice from everyone yet can’t seem to get anything right.
The first thing I would say to her is this: your dirty laundry is just that: YOURS! Part of what makes a relationship, especially marriage, special is that it is just yours. It is something that two people share: the good and the bad.
Then I would tell her to just stop blowing everything up. Who cares if he forgot to take the garbage out one time?! Who cares if his mother wants to wear a hat to the wedding?! Why does it all of a sudden have to mean that he doesn’t love you enough? This girl needs confidence, a whole lot of it. She obviously does not love herself one bit because if she did she would be able to let things go, stand her ground a bit, I don’t know but just not be such a grump all day. Everything is a big deal.
The latest has been how apparently her husband doesn’t want to share bank accounts with her and she strongly believes that his mother is in some sort of team with him to make her life hell. Okay, I get her annoyance at not sharing a bank account, it makes sense, I wouldn’t understand not sharing a bank account with my spouse. However, that can be discussed, you know? But I can tell you that it won’t be discussed with her husband anymore because of the way she reacted and now half the world knows her husband refuses to make a bank account with her and thinks he is some horrible human being because of how dramatic she was. Take a lesson everyone: you don’t like something your spouse does, talk to them, not to a million other people. Another lesson: sit down with your spouse and present your side in a calm voice and listen to his side, I am sure you will see that you both can be reasonable with each other, after all you guys do love one another.
Today, she found out from someone her husband works with that her husband turned down a promotion. Now, it is not like she talks to me about this stuff, she is generally on the phone with a friend, her mother, or talking to our other co-worker. Listen I can understand if one was upset that their spouse didn’t tell them something but in her eyes she has painter her spouse a person that she cannot trust at all. She questions everything he says and does. Now it could be in all honesty that her husband is just not a good person but I really don’t think so. What I am wondering is why he agreed to marry this crazy lady? She is so negative about everything. She doesn’t even try and find the good in things that he does, it’s just like if he does something nice her response is: well no duh, he better have come up here and helped me out. You can’t be such a demandingly mean person. Her love for him is buried so deep I don’t know how she is still with him.
The other day I overheard her practically yelling at her husband how “if he wants to have kids he better go and schedule a blood test because it just is not okay if they aren’t compatible and then they are going to have to go through lots of testing and she’s not going to put herself through that,” and blah, blah, blah. Legit. Wow. My thoughts were: please do not be having kids right now until you can figure out how to deal with each other. But what really sat in me was just like planning the wedding, it is supposed to be fun and special, having children is supposed to be fun and just something a team would jump into yet there she was demanding and yelling at him.
It’s like she views him as somebody lower than her. Someone she has to train. You’re not his mother, you’re his wife. If you don’t know the difference, don’t get married.