I miss you

come home already

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I guess it is a good thing when you still can miss someone so much after so long (pun intended). There are just so many moments that go by where I just look around as if searching for him, to catch his eye, to share an acknowledging look with.  I don’t ever want to know what it feels like to not be able to meet your eyes.

Life apart teaches you how much you should value life together. Even the moments where you argue, it is all a thousand percent worth it.  But can I just say that I miss you? I miss seeing your face in the morning and when I try and FaceTime you seems like poor connection always gets the better of us.  It is like the distance isn’t far enough that the missed calls, the ‘failed to send’ messages, and the horrible Wifi just needs to add more space between us.  In a way it makes finally seeing you so enjoyable.  But in another way, waiting is pure torture.  I have found distracting myself to be of some assistance but it doesn’t last long. What does help is thinking of you and finding creative ways to make you smile, even if it is from a million miles away.  It is finding the quotes that say: I miss you as much as a bitch misses the point. The things that make me laugh because I know you will laugh too. Our love is strong and that is what fuels us, but what satiates my missing pains?

Looking at old pictures, moments, special letters is so bittersweet; you never know if you should smile or cry. Not letting it get the best of you is so damn hard. You suddenly notice that couple sitting on the far right corner of the bus and that is all you can see. That is all that your world is made up of. Then you take a deep breath and try and distract yourself only to find your eyes somehow keep going back to that couple on the far right corner of the bus.

Marry me?

Your Editor

That family.

what you see may not be what it seems

You know those families where there’s a million people walking in and out of the house, half of them live there, and the other half consider it their home? I wouldn’t say exactly that is my family but along those lines.

The thing is there is just sooo many of us. I know I shouldn’t be talking because there are people that cannot have children and others that wish they could of had a sibling.  Sadly, when you grow up with one thing the other thing that you didn’t have just sounds so much better; the grass is always greener on the other side. 

So, like many of us we take out our fake happy self in order to deal with family. If it is because we can’t stand them, or they can’t appreciate us for us, or they always manage to make a fight out of everything, some of us find ourselves just creating a fake picture to present.  It is almost like meeting someone for the very first time… you’re not to open with them and everything about your life is just amazing and great.

That is just sad.

Because family is supposed to be the people you can lean on.  How is it that the people that formed us to who we are today have become the people we try and avoid? Even for good things; why can’t it be that you call your sister and not your best friend first?

There are of course people, or I should say families, that have mastered this ability to actually love everyone inside the family and somehow manage to get along with everyone as well. It takes talent but it also takes simple manners.

When it comes to my family, we all love each other, some more than others…. but to everyone else in the world we are that family. We are the family that looks perfect, acts perfect, does everything anyone needs perfectly, is an endless giving fountain, and a free room and board. It is great. Even if we do not like it, there are people there. Even if it means we are getting kicked out of our room, there are still people there.  Now, don’t get me wrong, it is nice… sometimes. It also teaches us a lot of lifelong qualities about how you should act to others less fortunate than you.

So, there is the good and the bad, like every family and it all really depends where you fall in line and how you choose to look at the whole situation (situation may be the wrong word because a situation usually has a start and an end, with family it never ends).

One thing I am beginning to learn more and more is that you really cannot change anyone and the greatest relief you will have is when you just stop trying to.

Your Editor

I must say that

I noticed you

I absolutely would do anything for him yet I somehow end up flopping up something, somewhere, and the beauty is he still appreciates my effort.

Now, I am not saying to sell yourself short but it is comforting to know that no matter what or how nuts you’re acting he’s got your back.  It takes true love to be nice to someone when they are acting like a complete and total bitch. In a not so serious tone tho: girls have it hard, men: try having your period just for one month and see how sane you are after that. For real, you guys are lucky.

Woman can get stressful-don’t get me wrong, but we sort of just need to be reminded about how crazy we are acting.  The best and worst feeling is realizing how bad you have been treating him but then finally being in control of your emotions to tell yourself be nice. Us girls have an excuse every time we aren’t being ourselves but most of the time we don’t even realize to blame it on that and we find ourselves bickering over stupid things.

A man’s only excuse is: his girlfriend/wife is driving him nuts. Now, how does that sound?

You know yours is a keeper when he’ll tell you: “I’m not going to get upset at what you just said because I know you’re getting your period.” Not only does he know you so well, but he knows not to put himself first and to just be there for his girl.

Ladies that does not mean to be nasty because you know you can get away with it, mind you when he’s not taking any offense to it, there is no satisfaction anyway.

To be honest, I’ve been acting like a complete and total selfish bitch lately and he’s taken it so well.  I have finally had a sit down conversation with him and apologized, though he wasn’t really mad.  Men need recognition.  They need to know that their hard work isn’t going unseen.  So what if you said yesterday, the fact that he did it means something to him, and guess what ladies: IT SHOULD TO YOU TOO! There is no reason why you can’t just say that you recognize their effort, the way they put the dishes away- even if it was all in the wrong spot, who cares. At least he did something.

I heard a story once about how this lady had a huge meal at her house with a ton of guest and after the meal when the guest all left her husband saw how hard she worked, told her to go take a shower and he’ll clean up.  When she came out of the shower she walked into the kitchen to find that her husband had washed all the greasy pots and dishes with cold water and no soap. Now, she had a choice of how to react: show her disappointment or not.  She chose to smile, thanked her husband, and told him she would finish up and he should go shower. The minute he left the kitchen she rushed as fast as she can to clean all those dishes over again with hot water and soap. A few days later she casually mentioned to her husband how in this house she likes to wash the dishes in hot water and soap.  Mind you, he washes dishes every night now.  Imagine if she would have yelled “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??!” or something that would have totally offended all his hard work, I can tell you this: he probably would not be washing those dishes anymore.  Just like when you return the jewelry he bought, the present he got you, don’t expect something that easily anymore because you’ve given them no recognition but a negative one.

Say a kind word.  Even if you’re bleeding buckets and you just want to throw a table at him.  He tried.  What do you want, he’s a guy.

Your Editor

My co-worker

don’t always be so judgemental

My co-worker’s marriage is a….. there’s just no words to describe it. Before her big wedding day, she’d come into work and talk about how horrible her future mother-in-law is and how her fiance has communication issues because of his mother, and she’d go on and on and on.  I wondered then why she didn’t just not get married.  It wasn’t like there was a bad day once in a while, there was a bad day every day, and maybe ever so often there would be a day were she didn’t complain or bash something that he did.

There is just so many issues wrong with their relationship then, and now that they are married…. oh boy. I sit at my desk at work and try really hard to keep myself from giving her a lesson or two on her marriage.

Before the wedding there was this whole mix up about the groomsmen’s shirts and somehow it was all her fiance’s fault: “he was supposed to order the shirts a month ago, he was supposed to do this, I told him to do that.” You know those people that tell you “I told you so,” don’t you just want to slap them in the face? Well trust me I felt like doing something to shut her up.  Like, shouldn’t their wedding day, the beautifulness of it all, overpower the stupid fight over blue shirts?

It’s like my co-worker can’t think for herself; she talks to everyone about how horrible her relationship is, takes advice from everyone yet can’t seem to get anything right.

The first thing I would say to her is this: your dirty laundry is just that: YOURS! Part of what makes a relationship, especially marriage, special is that it is just yours.  It is something that two people share: the good and the bad.

Then I would tell her to just stop blowing everything up.  Who cares if he forgot to take the garbage out one time?! Who cares if his mother wants to wear a hat to the wedding?! Why does it all of a sudden have to mean that he doesn’t love you enough? This girl needs confidence, a whole lot of it. She obviously does not love herself one bit because if she did she would be able to let things go, stand her ground a bit, I don’t know but just not be such a grump all day.  Everything is a big deal.

The latest has been how apparently her husband doesn’t want to share bank accounts with her and she strongly believes that his mother is in some sort of team with him to make her life hell.  Okay, I get her annoyance at not sharing a bank account, it makes sense, I wouldn’t understand not sharing a bank account with my spouse.  However, that can be discussed, you know? But I can tell you that it won’t be discussed with her husband anymore because of the way she reacted and now half the world knows her husband refuses to make a bank account with her and thinks he is some horrible human being because of how dramatic she was.  Take a lesson everyone: you don’t like something your spouse does, talk to them, not to a million other people. Another lesson: sit down with your spouse and present your side in a calm voice and listen to his side, I am sure you will see that you both can be reasonable with each other, after all you guys do love one another.

Today, she found out from someone her husband works with that her husband turned down a promotion.  Now, it is not like she talks to me about this stuff, she is generally on the phone with a friend, her mother, or talking to our other co-worker. Listen I can understand if one was upset that their spouse didn’t tell them something but in her eyes she has painter her spouse a person that she cannot trust at all. She questions everything he says and does.  Now it could be in all honesty that her husband is just not a good person but I really don’t think so. What I am wondering is why he agreed to marry this crazy lady? She is so negative about everything. She doesn’t even try and find the good in things that he does, it’s just like if he does something nice her response is: well no duh, he better have come up here and helped me out. You can’t be such a demandingly mean person.  Her love for him is buried so deep I don’t know how she is still with him.

The other day I overheard her practically yelling at her husband how “if he wants to have kids he better go and schedule a blood test because it just is not okay if they aren’t compatible and then they are going to have to go through lots of testing and she’s not going to put herself through that,” and blah, blah, blah. Legit. Wow. My thoughts were: please do not be having kids right now until you can figure out how to deal with each other. But what really sat in me was just like planning the wedding, it is supposed to be fun and special, having children is supposed to be fun and just something a team would jump into yet there she was demanding and yelling at him.

It’s like she views him as somebody lower than her. Someone she has to train. You’re not his mother, you’re his wife. If you don’t know the difference, don’t get married.

Your Editor

Friends?

is there a thing as being just friends?

That numbing feeling when the sound of those words touch your eardrums. If you feel that let down after hearing those words, remember: J.K. Rowling said it right: It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. Do not keep the what ifs buried inside you: speak up.  Express that you want something more.

No relationship can last without communication, and that is an understatement.

Being friends with the opposite gender can be complicated.  It may first start out mutual with both sides but at the end of the day one person is going to be putting a little more into the relationship and waiting on the other end for something more. What people fail to implement is boundaries. Except now-a-days boundaries makes everything more exciting because there are limitations and room to explore things that should be off-limits.

I’d like to think that we can all be grown-ups and everyone can just mind the space they have been blessed with, but, no, that has been proven close to impossible.  Which is sad, being that impossible is made up of the words: I’m possible. But that is for another post….

Friends.  It is a hard balance when it is with the opposite gender, and now with society changing the way it is, within the same gender. People take nonverbal expressions to mean things others don’t mean to say.  It becomes a conflict of she is acting one way but her words say otherwise, or anything along those lines to cause people to get confused and over think.

Many have had long successful relationships with the opposite gender but find me one that at some point one person felt something more and was shut down, or one person made a move and the other stood their ground, or they both enjoyed a moment but it was followed with we shouldn’t have or it was an accident we just weren’t in the right frame of mind (mind you- the person that starts that line is usually the one who didn’t feel anything more and the person who agrees with it is generally the person who just had their dreams crushed).

I’d like to say don’t enter into that battle field, but we all know that that is completely impossible. However, what I can start with is this:

  • set boundaries
  • Be friends with someone who respects you because they will respect your boundaries
  • if you find yourself feeling unhappy where you are, don’t just let it be, either make things right or change what needs to be changed (and no one can help you with that because no one but yourself knows what you want and need most)
  • if your opposite gender friend is your go-to person before your relationship partner, there may be something you want to figure out before it ends in hurting people you care about

Keep it classy, as they say.

Your Editor

 

Putting a label on it

when did you and me start calling ourselves us?

Relationships, friendships, acquaintances, or whatever you want to call it suddenly become something else when there’s a label on it. How do you know you are ready for that: 15 Signs You’re Ready to Put a Label on Your Relationship

Some people it just happens to over night, others months later, and for some it just never gets there.  There is something that clicks into place when you and me suddenly became an us. It is more than just that tho; the label of us brings us to a whole new level of responsibilities within the relationship and individually.

Most often people who have begun seeing each other often will not discuss what they are calling their time together and generally the girl’s friends will tease her about being in love and she will naturally defend that position.  On the guys side, they will most probably find themselves hearing about how they are never around for guys night anymore because they are so busy with this mysterious girl.

Girls in this situation will have their ears perked up for any moment the guy will introduce them to someone, in hopes that they will hear the guy reply “and this is my girlfriend —,” and when they do not hear it, you can almost see their heart drop.  But of course we cannot show him that…!

Now a question for all of you: Why the hell not?! Why can’t he know that you want to be something more? What do you expect to wait around until he makes the first move? You will never get anywhere! Guys need something to feed off of. For example: in “Pride and Prejudice,” Jane Bennet is deeply in love with Mr. Bingley but her lack of expression causes Mr. Darcy to convince Mr. Bingley that Jane did not feel the same. Only after Jane’s heart is broken does she realize what a fool she has been.

So tell me this: why not be honest and save the heartache? Yes it may be hard if one person in the relationship does not feel the same, but one will never know if they are wasting their time or not, if they never open their mouth to ask.

Have a conversation.  Bring some clarity into your friend zone life and see where it takes you.

Also – if you do not want anything more than just to be friends (which i believe is simply impossible but that is for another post) make sure the other person in the relationship is well aware of that, and that means don’t play flirt: it won’t bring any good.

Your Editor

That first moment…

make a moment last longer than just a moment

Today I asked a friend of mine how she met her fiance of 13 years and she responded: “well I was staying by a cousins house and he had to go pick up a friend from the airport, so he said I can either wait for him to get back or come with him.  I decided to go with him, and the minute I shook his friend’s hand we both knew that was it for both of us.”

Sound great, no? Except that moment is just a moment in all of the many moments, and many more moments that can/will/would have happened after that one moment.  However, in the moment it may sound, feel, or seem great for a few minutes, maybe even seconds.  What comes after that moment is a different story.

It took my friend two years after that moment to actually start a relationship, which is odd since she did say they both knew that was it at that moment. Why then wait? Well, like everything else in life, time seems to go by faster than we think and before we know it we are consumed in something completely different and our minds have put that special moment in the filing cabinet labeled: Question Mark. Because who knows after all what that moment could bring (especially when you don’t give it a chance).

It’s hard to hold on to those initial feelings, should you explore them? should you not? and then all of a sudden we are bombarded with a million “what ifs” and then in almost an instant we have reached a multiple of conclusions (depending on what type of person you are): if you are generally positive you may end up with an overload of positive ideas and emotions and if you are generally a pessimistic person you may end up thinking a lot of dark, depressing thoughts.  That is not to say that you could have very well reached no conclusion at all, in which case, your fate is in your hands.

Somehow the answer to how this will end up is in that moment.  A bit ridiculous how years of a relationship are all dependent on that one moment. But once you have come to that realization that moment will somehow mean so much more.

You think my friend knew that moment was really the moment? No. She can only say that looking back 15 years, the one moment that explains 13 years of a relationship, hard work, and endless commitment, is that moment they shook hands.

Now wouldn’t you look at that moment differently in the actual moment had you known it could be so amazing?

Your Editor