The balance between mother and person

What category are you part of?

There is a fine line between a mother and a person. I wonder what it will be like for me. I see mothers all around me and it is easy to tell the angry mother from the selfish mother and the loving warm mother from the cold mother.

A mother is in the position to be every type of person out there. There is a time and place for every emotion, what you decide to use in that situation is what mother you become. I met a family of 10 kids that each one can honestly say they have never heard their mother raise her voice. Shocking, I know. On the other hand I know mothers that scream, that is their way of talking. I know mothers that have absolutely nothing nice to say to their kids. There are mothers who only think about themselves and if they want something they get it because they have the position of a mother.

I am not entering motherhood yet but entering marriage makes your mind automatically think about the next stage in your life. I would like to think that I can figure out how to be a well balanced mother; firm when my children need it, always loving and supportive, caring, strong, patient, happy. The list goes on. I want to be able to come home from a rough day at work and file work away in a cabinet and put a smile on my face. If my kid wants to know why after everything I say, be able to respond without getting annoyed. I know a mother who made a hole in her wall because she punched it so hard as a result of her daughter asking why too many times. I want to show my children how to have the proper respect, fear , and love for us. I do not want to create a home where my children are built out of fear. On the other side, I want them to have the level of fear they need to have in order to properly respect. It is all so complex. I think of it as a sound system that has over a hundred different lines that can be leveled up or down yet somehow they are all supposed to evenly match up but when you try matching them up there are always a few that go too high or too low.

We still need to be humans. Until about a few years ago I never thought of my mother as a person, she was my mother. Only when you reach a certain age do you realize your mother has emotions, needs, desires too. It is hard to have kids that do not realize it. The key is to raise them in a way that they know it. I have not figured out how to do that, yet.

We will need to figure out how to balance us and the children (us being husband and wife). It is no longer just us in the marriage. However, one cannot act as though there is no us. First came you, then your spouse, then your kids. You must care for yourself. Once you are at peace, your husband, and last your kids. Balance is the key word here; one cannot be overly obsessed with taking care of just themselves or just their spouse, the sound levels need to match up with the amount you put into each line.

I hope thinking about this now can help me in the future be a well balanced mother to our children.

Your Editor

Airports

What’s your experience?

Before we even got to the airport we had to call United to check in because they played around with our flights and apparently put the baby on its own confirmation number, which makes no sense because the baby can’t sit by itself. Then they told us over the phone, mind you an hour and half wait, that since it is a basic economy ticket we cannot do anything over the phone and they cannot help us. Which makes no sense- how do you sell a ticket that you can’t help anyone with? Most of us get checked in and the rest of us are waiting. We wait in line for a kiosk and then some worker rudely cuts us off the kiosk and starts restarting the kiosk while we are in middle of using it! She then tells us we need to go to another machine and we can’t use this one anymore, why? No explanation, simply because she felt like it. We then wait on another line to get help and finally a nice worker somehow manages to do her job and actually get us checked in to our flight.

Security lines are next. We head there thinking we got this we can make our flight- nope. The Airport closes it’s TSA security lines at 8:30 pm (PRIME TRAVEL TIME!!). It is almost as if the airport and airlines work together to arrange for every situation to be so that you will miss your flight. They somehow only have one security lane open and nothing else matters. Oh, and now you have to take out your food in a separate bin, your shoes in another, your laptop in another. What is next your socks?! I don’t get it. Nasty, nasty people. There is a difference of doing your job and doing your job with a heart. You see we have five minutes till the gate closes, you see we are a lot of people, you see we are rushing, so you’re going to purposely hold our bin back and let three more people ahead of us? Like can’t you be slightly understanding. We are not blowing up no planes, we’re holding a freakin one month old! Like seriously?! Mind you, every single one of our bags got pulled to the side to be rechecked it was like what on earth was the point of going through the machine if you were going to just pull them all out anyways?????!

I am starting to hate flying. It has become a group of horrible workers doing a horrible job and taking their time. I get it I am fueled by a very very upsetting trip and should not generalize- but it comes to a point where have some common sense. It’s like why can’t they use their brains a bit?

There were some nice people on the plane which was a relief because if there wouldn’t have been, that would have been the last straw for all of us.

How much anxiety does the airport process give you?

Your Editor

The things you do when you are guilt tripped

Don’t you wish you could have stood strong?

I must have said no a dozen times yet I find myself once again doing what I said I wouldn’t do.

Is being guilt tripped really your own problem?

Does it mean you are lacking confidence? Self esteem? Balls?

Does it mean you are a people pleaser?

All I know is I was damn sure I wasn’t going anywhere yet somehow I found myself on a plane… thinking “I can’t believe I am doing this.” What happened in between my hard rock decision and me actually doing the complete opposite? Guilt tripping. It takes talent to put just the right amount of pressure where you’re not coming across as demanding and mean but just enough to bring you over to the dark side. Now, if you are really good at this you know exactly when to stop talking and how to tweak your manipulating speech to your crowd. For someone who does not know how to guilt trip, I find myself being on the receiving end with certain people and it is not fun.

I have confidence, I have self esteem, and I want to have those that are (or should be) important to me, like and respect me. Now, you see when things aren’t done the way they want, feel, think, the guilt tripping starts. That shows two things: 1) they don’t actually respect me for my decisions, and 2) I obviously care too much about how they treat me. However, I am coming to realize that it is a never ending cycle. I can want something, get guilt tripped out of it, internally miserable, everyone shows a few minutes of satisfaction and then moves on, so in the end I am left feeling like I pleased everyone for a total of one minute, the people that actually care about me are now pissed, and I am left cut in two; failing to make myself happy and only given a brief feeling of this guilt trip might have been worth it. Either way I lose, so what is the better route to take?

I have come to a conclusion that many of us know internally and outwardly may express it as well but when push comes to shove, their actions show the complete opposite.

In life you can only strive to make yourself happy. It sounds selfish but the world is filled with selfish people and if one knows that another genuinely doesn’t care about their values they owe no such obligation to compromise on their own happiness to make them happy. At times it may be hard to figure out who really does respect you but over time you are put in situations that help you uncover who is legitimate. The trick here is to not be fooled by the desire of having that person care about you. Often, myself included, we are so focused on wanting that person to care about us that we color the scenarios in our mind to make it feel like they have done nothing but respect us and only after do we realize that we are only fooling ourselves and harming ourselves in the process.

It’s a tricky balance between it all but if one can conquer it and genuinely not care about what others feel about them, they can reach a level of happiness- true happiness.

Your Editor

A robot

Not even a person

As the time gets closer to my CPA exam and the wedding I have barely found any time to write at all. Sadly.

I’m a person of simple means that doesn’t require much to please. However, my simple request have been met with such hostility that I feel foolish and small. All I wanted was a cake at my wedding, but for some strange reason I cannot have one. All I wanted was to be able to be prepared by a certain date but for some reason everyone else’s desires come before mine. Am I not the one getting married here? If you didn’t want to give me the attention to begin with then don’t make a wedding I didn’t ask for. But one thing I didn’t want is giving me the option and then taking away my right to have an opinion. It’s my wedding. I get the say on what dress I want to wear. I shouldn’t be cornered and demanded to wear something I do not want. I shouldn’t have to wait three weeks to buy what I need and then forced to take off from work because you couldn’t manage to find any time during the three weeks I told you I was available. Just like it’s not up to you if I want to have surgery now or later. It’s my life, my body, my time. Or at least that is what I thought.

How wrong we can be. How foolish I am to think people who are supposed to matter will actually care. I thought I was smart. I thought this would make things change. Wrong again. Doesn’t seem like I can ever get it right. I guess it is good that I am going away, far away. With no plans to come back so soon. I doubt I will be summoned. Part of me wishes they’d want me back but the gut inside me knows it’s short term and will not last. It is false. The attention is filled with air and as soon as the outsiders leave the room that beautiful picture pops and I am in rags, emotionally and physically. I don’t know why or what it will take to change these things. They say distance, but I doubt the distance across the globe and back infinity times will ever mend the shattered feelings inside me. This time was it all. I’ve waited and built up to this moment yet somehow I wake up with nightmares that sadly, will come true, of what a beautiful day would have looked like only to be destroyed in every way. No one caring or looking at me. No one realizing the stress, anxiety, happiness, rush of emotions to help me get through it. Me being humiliated because no one thought twice of the person it is all supposed to be about.

I used to say I would do anything to change these feelings, to put in everything I have just to be an equal. I have. Now I know that no matter what I put in I will never get there. Do I succumb to their desires and leave my feelings locked away, to cry in a place all alone surrounded by imaginary beautiful moments that I slowly watch shatter? Or do I not care and dig their fight deeper, show them no respect and continue onwards? Either way I lose. But somehow one way will make everyone else happy. Do I do that? I am not that person. I don’t need to make you happy to be happy. I am happy alone and if you wish to join my happy circle you must have the ability to respect me. Me. Not you. It shouldn’t be too hard yet I am pained watching how many people are failing. I should not even give myself the ability to get hurt anymore, you would think I would be numb by now. Somehow when I became a person again I realized my emotions are what enhanced me and my opinions brought me to life. However, it seems that those around me prefer I be a backdrop in life. Void of emotions, expressions, opinions, feelings, and desires. A robot to follow their every needs. Someone to complete someone else’s picture. Don’t ask them about my own because no one would even know what you are talking about.

Your Editor

A broken connection

I guess birth isn’t a strong enough connection

I don’t know what it is, actually I do, I just wish it weren’t true.

Why is it that a parents dislikes the child they are most alike to? It pains me that every time I say tomatoes she is adamant that I am wrong and really it’s potatoes. It’s like there’s not even a slight iota of a chance that I am ever right or that I can ever have my own opinion. If she thinks it’s pretty, it’s pretty. There’s no room to question, think, express. It’s, to be honest, repressing.

And also, sad.

It pains me to see her rushing to help, chat with, laugh with others and yet when I try and carry a conversation it goes flat so fast it was as if I never even spoke. I feel bad too because my better half gets a lot of heat from them as well. I know there’s something against me but I just wish they wouldn’t take it out on him. I know they think little to nothing of me but he shouldn’t be included in that.

if only it could be a world of tomatoes and potatoes.

Your Editor

The story of my —-

Upside down world

I would say life but then that would defeat the purpose of you ever continuing to read this blog. Also, remaining anonymous would be much harder.

I will simply say: the story of today, or more like the compilation of the past week or two.

Sigh

I was about to start typing and my hands were touching the keys that start with “so basically” and I laughed because everyone starts telling stories like that. Well, I shouldn’t say everyone rather I should say some people do. But this isn’t about that, so please excuse my wandering mind. What is it about? Everything and nothing all at once. I am overwhelmed to the bone. I get it why people take years to plan a wedding but at the same time HOW THE HELL CAN YOU MANAGE IT ALL FOR SO LONG?! Sorry– I’ve been trying to control the OCD part of me and it’s been so-so working. There is just so little time to get everything done in but then again it is taking so long to finally come. On top of it all, some really stupid part of my brain thought it would be smart to take my CPA exam, mind you the hardest one, right before the big day. Don’t ask what got into my brain. And as a result, I am spending my hours studying in between the million and two doctors appointments I suddenly have. Why is it that when you get engaged things just flip upside down? It’s like you are trying to fit into two worlds: dating and marriage. I feel like I have no common ground. I see why married people gravitate towards each other; they understand what it means to be so supper busy but nothing getting accomplished (if that makes any sense at all).

Anyhow, enough complaining. I am truly blessed to have someone in my life. There are plenty people out there less fortunate then me. That being said, I will talk about my day, not complain about it.

And I think that is all I can manage right now.

Your Editor

Life

Who will walk with you?

I haven’t lived that many years but the ones I have, I have learned a lot.

Life is meant to be challenging, that is what makes it, ironically, enjoyable. Without the struggles, life isn’t worth living. Everyone knows it. But feeling it in the moment, is a whole other story.

There are many ways situations in life can go and like everyone knows, it is all a matter of your perspective. Once you have the correct mindset whatever hits you, and I say hits you because life isn’t kind, it will hurt and it will be unexpected, then dealing with it is just a walk in the park.

And what happens if you don’t like to take walks in the park? I would say: too bad because life doesn’t design things that you like.

You will find yourself in many situations that are scary, painful, annoying, difficult. But you will also find yourself in many situations that are happy, fun, loving, pleasurable and other enjoyable moments. Let’s try and remember life isn’t all about the bad or all about the good, it is a balance between that two that makes life special and meaningful.

You may also find yourself looking back at difficult moments and telling yourself that those times were the best things that ever happened to you and made you who you are today. You will say that to yourself when you have the right mindset. The trick is saying it in the moment. Looking back is easy, looking forward is scary, looking at the present is hard, but the only way to live. Many of us are too busy planning, too busy sulking, to busy focusing on everything other than what is right around us causing being in the moment to be close to impossible.

You know this all. We all do. But we all seek to find ways to look everywhere but in front of our feet. So, maybe instead of looking how to feel better with what happened, make a point to try and feel now. Feel what is around you and use a positive mindset to make the current difficulties manageable.

Always remember you may not be in the mood of a walk in the park today but one day you will be, and you will regret all those walks you missed.

Your Editor