An unexpected day

when your schedule just doesn’t go your way

I thought today I’d get back to normal… well if you’d call my life normal. But turns out I was very wrong. I finally got to work after working out who will take me because somehow my car is being used by someone other than myself. Okay, so fine, I’m at work and it only takes about an hour and a 45 minute phone call with customer service to get my computer running. Finally able to work and there’s no work to do. I spent the majority of my morning filing HR paperwork, not fun let me tell you. Then I was reminded by the repeated phone calls from my mother that I needed to go to the doctor. Except when I called the doctors office no one seemed to want to pick up the phone. However, my mother being my mother told me to go because the doctor had time now. So I ran/walkedreallyfast to the doctor which is generally a 10-11 minute walk, in about 5 minutes. I show up, they tell me to sit down, they call me in, take my weight, blood pressure, temperature and then I wait. Now, I left work in the midst of a multiple choice question quiz with the intention I’d be back within 30 minutes. It really doesn’t take long to check my breast. That’s what I thought. An hour later the doctor finally graces me with her presence, and I thought she had time, she checks me, prescribes me more meds and an ultrasound. I am not so excited anymore. I walk back to work when I know I should be running because I just took a 30 minute break and made it an hour and I just got back to work today and I was late this morning, but I just don’t have a head to. I get back and my multiple choice question quiz is open waiting for me, I settle down, answer my mother’s repeated questions and finally think I am able to start the clock again for my goal of 20 hours of studying… but nope, here comes actual work. Everything goes back on pause again and I am stuck working the rest of the day.

I had to tell my boss I’ll be out tomorrow morning, which I proudly didn’t even think twice about.

I’m trying to do a million things at once and I forget that what I need the most is to just take a deep breath and give myself a moment to catch up with my legs. My mind and emotions are somewhere else. I have mixed feelings about my mother coming with me to the doctor, I have excitement and anticipation for our wedding, and I have a lot of things I want to get done.

I started looking for cute poses to show the photographer, songs for the wedding dances and the ceremony, dresses, clothes, shoes, jewelry, the list doesn’t end and that makes me happy.

What doesn’t make me happy is I really should be studying and I really should be going to bed earlier and not watching as many Tv shows as I have been. Whatever, as I say: it is what it is, and this time I’ll add that I’m not rushing to change it.

I really was looking forward to having a boring day at work, to work, study, and blog. I miss blogging.

Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

Your Editor

It’s only been a day

….And I am as pissed as can be.

There is something in this world called RESPECT, that some people just do NOT know exist. Respect to them is whatever is convenient for them.

I’m angry and frustrated. Seems like lately my post have been more complaining than actual help or advice, which would make the lack of views understandable.

I am trying to remember why I started blogging, it’s only been roughly 3.5 months and it has become a list on my to do list. I don’t like that. I should want to blog, and I do, if I wasn’t stressed out, upset, had a million other things that take priority to everyone else yet somehow fall on my shoulders. A friend of mine told me that usually it’s hard for people to transition into marriage but I can probably do it blindfolded. Sounds great for my ego, but I don’t want to be burnt out. I have a friend that was in charge of the laundry in her house growing up, till this day (she’s married with 6 kids) she does not touch an article of laundry. She will not do it. She hires a cleaning lady.

That reminds me of another thing: I grew up calling the household help a maid, however, my better half finds it demoralizing (I think that’s the right word?) and insist on calling her a cleaning lady. I find it sweet of him, how he has the utmost respect for people in all positions. He genuinely cares and to tie this into the top of this blog post, he respects people the way they want to be respected. Since no one knows who I am I can say this: he’s told me in confidence that one day when he becomes wealthy he’s going to spend a night on the streets. Don’t ask me where this idea came into his head, I find it completely outrageous and unusual. But for some reason it’s his thing. So is opening a soup kitchen. That dream I can agree with and I’ll gladly join in.

It’s funny because you don’t expect him to have as big of a heart as he does. He rarely smiles to others and exudes tremendous amount of confidence. Most people within five minutes of meeting him have told him he’s going to be very successful one day. I know that if he sets his heart and mind to something it will turn out amazing. My proof is that he set his heart and mind to our relationship and I see it constantly. With the crazy family that I come from, he as never left, and he has been threatened by both my parents. Despite that, the lack of joyous expression and engagement towards him, the way my siblings treat me and other various external situations he still remains here. To take it one step further, I am not the easiest girl to deal with. I have had my fair share of craziness, addictions, abusive boyfriends, yet somehow he has walked beside me and helped me slowly come around in the span of three years to a whole new being, to no more addictions, to no more self-harm, to no more low self-esteem and self-hatred. It takes a lot.

I heard something interesting the other day: there was a discussion on whether or not entering a relationship with someone who has never been in one is a good idea. My initial thought was no, why would it be? But then I took a minute and reminded myself of the old me and the beginning of my new relationship. When someone is in an unhealthy relationship it affects them and carries through to other relationships in their life. When I first started seeing my better half I could not communicate for the life of me, I thought only about his needs, I threw myself at him whenever he asked and even if he didn’t ask I would just completely destroy myself to do anything and everything for him. Obviously, I didn’t realize what I was doing, I was too used to being used and abused to realize it. But my better half did. And he didn’t let me throw myself at him, he gave me a voice and a chance to speak my mind and give an opinion. To express my feelings, to feel like a human. Not being in a relationship ever is, in my eyes, better than being in a bad relationship. If you’re faced with a choice of whom to go out with I would say the person that has never been in a relationship. Yes, it comes with challenges, but at least you don’t have to spend the beginning of your relationship correcting all the damages that the previous person did. It’s a tough position to be in, and sometimes you don’t realize your relationship was poison, you just have to hope that the next one that comes has a big enough heart to treat you right and to help you gain the respect that you deserve.

I don’t know what I have done in my life to have deserved such a person. I am forever grateful.

Your Editor

And… the Internet is back

it wasn’t because I was in the woods

Yes, that is where I have gone, into a world where WiFi barely exist and I run around trying to find some sort of service, or even just a sliver of connection to be able to just one more text message. I am so sick and tired of: “hello? Helllooo?? Can you hear me??” and me yelling back “I HEAR YOU! CAN YOU HEAR ME???!” You do not understand the level of frustration and anxiety it gives me. Lesson: make sure you have damn good service in a house before you buy it.

I attempted to blog but the Internet just wouldn’t connect to anything; it was very, very, very, upsetting.

So with the WiFi back let me catch all of you guys up with my life:

The weekend went smooth, we had some unexpected visitors come from out-of-state and it’s very nice to see them, yes they are staying by us, where else would they stay? However, one of them has taken ill and is now hospitalized for possibly stomach cancer and it’s not fun. Mind you all, when they showed up, after I already cooked most of the food for the weekend, I was informed of their vegan status. Trust me when I tell you that I was pretty shocked how that information was not made known to the one cooking all their meals in advance. Foolish souls. Applesauce is a great replacement for eggs by the way 😉

I participated in Sally’s Baking Addiction March competition, I made what I thought was a very pretty cake, however I did not win, so that was disappointing. I also wasn’t one of the lucky ones to get their cake posted on her blog. It seems to me that she tends to use whatever she sees on Facebook as opposed to other social media sites. I guess I won’t be winning anytime soon because I do not have a Facebook account.

Why is that you ask?

Well I am just not interested. My life is too busy. I do not need to spend time looking at whatever everyone else is doing and feeling like I am missing out or why wasn’t I invited. We have enough stress in our life, why on earth would I put myself in a position to just gossip and snoop around other people’s lives? I suppose WordPress is the most I have got to social media and I feel like people use this more as an inspirational and therapeutic environment than to show off. That being the case, I am totally content without it.

As for the rest of the week…

I sort of did something I really shouldn’t have and I knew at the time that I was making a mistake and I should stop and I didn’t. I don’t know what possessed me to act so foolishly, or why I even had the desire too. I guess when things aren’t allowed for you, you have more of a temptation to do those things. Anyway, I feel dreadful. I, however, made peace with myself a little bit because I had a choice to tell my better half or not, if not, he would have never have found out. But as hard as it was: I told him. He reacted in the best way a person could. Legit. He was sweet, so sweet, didn’t scream or yell, or make this about him. He just acted lovingly to try to understand why I did what I shouldn’t have. I feel dreadful and no amount of apologies can take away what I did. It affects him too, and he’s trying to see why I did it because maybe he is the reason why I did it, but he’s not. He can never be. He is too good to me for that. No, I didn’t cheat on him, I’m not that type of girl, and I overly happy being in a relationship with him, but what I did still affects him. The truth was when I did it I wasn’t thinking that he would be affected, just that maybe he would be disappointed. When I had the conversation to him I realized that being in a relationship means that what you do, good or bad, will no matter what or how somehow will always affect your partner. I should have been smarted than I was, I should have realized. I selfishly did something I wanted to do without thinking of the other person in my life, that makes up my life. My life is no longer MY life to live alone and do as I please, I have someone who will be my Husband in a few short months that I constantly need to put ahead of me and think of before acting foolishly. Maybe all of this was supposed to happen so I can learn this lesson. They do say the best lessons in life come from experiences. I wish it wouldn’t have tho.

I’m disappointed in myself. I am better than that.

Your Editor

Little people

some people their shortness shows more than others

I am not racist towards small people, but when small people get in my business, it kind of has me going who are you? 

Image result for gifs of short people

So, when one of the shorter girls I know got all up in my business, my first thought was: you’re too short to even reach this level of conversation. Now every time I see her, I just view her as short. I never did before that. But legit, it was like “who are you? you’re like this high?”

Image result for gifs of YOUR LIKE THIS TALL

However, I do know a bunch of other shorter people and I have no problem associating myself with them. It’s just funny because I was in the shower last night thinking about her because I bumped into her recently and she just makes me frustrated. Maybe it’s an ego thing, though I really am the last person in the world that cares about that. I suppose, since she tried giving me advice when it really wasn’t wanted, she just frustrated me and made me feel small, which in turn just made me look at her as really short. She’s short but not THAT short, however, in my eyes her personality became really tiny. Make sense?

wShe totally screwed herself over with that one.

Image result for gifs of you're tiny

I do feel very proud of myself though, because this recent time that I saw her I was able to give her some recognition… well more than I ever gave her since that time. Don’t get me wrong she apologized but for some reason I can’t seem to get it over her head.

I have to admit: she must have had a lot of confidence to come up to me and give me her two sense.

Maybe I should have started this off with the fact that I must have a problem with her and it comes out on her shortness.

That must be it because I generally am not a mean person or a person that holds grudges, I just don’t like her.

Oh well… she will forever be a shorty now.

Your Editor

 

 

YAY!!

I am so happy I haven’t changed

I feel really good about myself the last 24 hours and it may sound silly, but here is why:

I read a book!

What I mean by that is: I actually read the book like I used to read books. I have picked up books every now and then but have failed to finish them or read them with as much passion as I used too. I was worried I lost my touch and feeling towards reading and to be honest, it upset me.

However, I am done the book a mere day after starting it. The book that has me so happy is called A Girl’s Guide to Moving On by Debbie Macomber. On the cover is labels her as the New York Times #1 bestselling author and I wonder why almost every book has received the exact same recognition. They make being a New York Times bestseller such an easy thing to be.

Anyways, as happy as I feel, my textbooks are calling my name. It is frustrating because that is the last thing on earth I want to be doing right now.

If you’re not a reader, you are missing out. Reading gets you caught up in a world of thoughts and imagination. Even if you say you’re not the type, reading does wonders for your body. I feel so happy and content within myself and very much happy for the characters that I have spent my afternoon investing in them. It may sound strange and weird but to me they are real; their stories are real. That may make even less sense than what I was saying before… what I mean to say is the author wrote this story and not just because she had a good imagination but there is more to it. Whenever someone writes a book it comes from their life, so yes, Rocco and Nichole may not be physically alive but I am sure there is someone in the author’s life that has caused her to create such people as Rocco and Nichole.

Have I mentioned I love reading? 🙂

Your Editor

 

Communication

use your words, it will help

Over the three years of my relationship I have grown a lot in this area. In my previous relationship (I shouldn’t really call it that because it was everything but a relationship), I was always limited on what I could say or how I said it. My family never thought much when I spoke; I always didn’t know what I was saying to was too crazy to think with my head. When I finally met someone who actually wanted to hear my opinion, I couldn’t figure out how to talk. I guess that is what so many years of forcing to swallow my thoughts, comments, feelings, had caused that I just couldn’t express anything. I think worse than that though, was that I would only express what I knew that other person wanted to hear. You may think that sounds like a people pleaser but it was something else.

When I was hurt, I said I wasn’t. When I was in pain, I apologized. When I was lonely, I found unhealthy outlets. When I was told I was to blame, I hurt myself. I physically was not able to keep the feelings inside me so I found outlets that helped me reduce the suffocating feeling inside my body.

I will admit that my relationship now is a constant struggle because he is always asking me my feelings and thoughts. In the beginning I couldn’t say or express anything and it frustrated him to no end. You see, I worked so hard to go out of my way in my previous relationship, to make him happy, to do creative things for him and I got nothing in return, besides for physical things (which I didn’t get either), I didn’t get no verbal expression. I learned to keep my disappointment as well as my joy inside me, because after all, who would want to hear it?

When my better half couldn’t handle how I couldn’t say it made me happy when he did something for me, I knew I had to work on it not only for him, but for myself. God gave man a mouth to use it, why on earth was I only using my mouth to swallow? And so the long and never-ending journey of late night phone calls and never ending dissecting words that I said started. Don’t get me wrong 99.9% of the time I was frustrated; I got angry because why couldn’t he understand what I was saying or why couldn’t he just figure out what I was trying to say without asking me to explain every other word. But it was all worth it. I must add though, not many men have the patience, the never ending devotion, time, love, or care to put so much effort into someone who was barely giving anything in return.

I have now, thank God, reached a point where 90% of the time I can express exactly how and what I feel. I say 90% because there are times where I just use the wrong words and there are times where I will say things I do not mean because that is the only way I care to express my frustration and anger.

I am at the stage of working on using my words properly when I am angry, upset, hurt, offended, and all the other adjectives. However, for most people, that is a constant struggle. So, I would like to think that I have finally come to the category of ‘normal’ people and far away from the abused and stifled position I used to be in.

It is very hard to use words properly; there are so many things one can say but if one doesn’t think before they speak, they will never be able to take those many things back.

I constantly battle this, as do many in relationships. We all say somethings we do not mean, and they hurt the people we love most. We all just need to find within ourselves the ability to let go from what can cause so much terrible pain. “I am sorry” are just not enough words to cover the sound of hurtful words.

Maybe the point of this post was to tell you to think before you speak, more like tell myself, or maybe it was to realize how far I have come and how could I screw up, or maybe it was to show how important communication is, or maybe it was to let people know how much their words can damage someone. I will let you decide.

Your Editor

 

Calling in sick

stop trying to rationalize how you can do something you really don’t want to do

I have come to realize that I am one of those types of people who cringe from saying no or telling people I can’t do something that I either am supposed to or should be doing. For example, I have a doctor’s appointment coming up and I didn’t tell my boss yet because I am already taking off for something else… but the appointment is still on and I just need to just tell her already. It’s not like she is mean about how much I take off (she may be annoying for other reasons 🙂 ) but I still dislike having to tell her. My stomach gets all pins and needles type and it really is uncomfortable.

The funny thing is I have no problem telling people in my family no. Maybe that is just because I am comfortable with them but up until now I have never really considered myself to be one of those people who are afraid to say no.

My better half is the complete opposite though and to me, it feels like sometimes he says no way too quickly. But that is all a matter of perspective.

Yes, I will tell her I can’t come in on that day because I have no idea how long the appointment will be and if it will take most of the morning then I might as well make another appointment for the afternoon and get it out-of-the-way. My problem is though, since I do not know how long the appointment will take I am not sure how to schedule the other appointment that I need to schedule, which makes me unsure of whether I should tell my boss I am missing the whole day or only half of it. I could just be finding reasons to push-off asking her… I am not sure which feeling is stronger, more like I don’t want to have to decide which is stronger. I really do not want to be that person that doesn’t ever say no.

I emailed her right before I left work that I will be taking that day off as well. I ran out of work before she could message me… maybe I am one of those people who never say no.

My mother is and it makes it a thousand times harder for all of us at home. Someone asked on one of the group chats if we could host some people and I was actually shocked when my mother responded that she couldn’t. I wonder what made her finally say no. Maybe because she realized she is nine months pregnant and there already 5 guest in our home and where would she put five more?

All I know is that I better start learning how to stand up for myself with others not just those I am comfortable with so that when I have a family of my own I can put them before others.

Your Editor