My Day

really just a brief moment in my head

It may sound a bit crazy but what is life if it isn’t?

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I am a very “list” type of person. I write a million ones all over the place. I know it is February but I just bought my 2018 calendar (which are so important- when you don’t like your calendar, there is a problem). CVS did not have as wide of a selection as I would have liked… but it will do. (Just BTW because I am not SOO obsessed with it, I have not been using it as much- point proven).

My life is currently like that movie Bride Wars with Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway. No, my best friend is not getting married on the same day as me, but some other selfish person decided to reserve the hall the same day I did and now it’s one big mess. The difference is the hall isn’t big enough for two weddings. But that was like the one day where all my million siblings and family members and pregnant ladies finally agreed on. Not to mention everyone’s camp schedules. I don’t know about you but I am pretty sure the day is for the bride and groom and everyone else can go screw themselves. My real question though is: is there a bride out there that isn’t stressed out?

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So now after finally all agreeing on a date, we got to go through the whole process all over again and to be quite honest with you I am very close to just eloping and forgetting the whole thing. I never wanted a big wedding. Now I am starting to want one less and less everyday. But at the end of the day, as much as they say the wedding is for the bride it really is not; it’s for the mother of the bride. So while my mother is popping out her kid and my sister is popping out hers, somewhere in the midst of all that I will become a Mrs.

I told my parents to just let me know what day I am getting married. Yep, read that again, still sounds just as crazy as when I typed it out.

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As if it wasn’t enough, my Pilate’s teacher decided to quit. My one escape from life is now officially over the first week of March, and trust me that is coming up sooner than I want it to.

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Despite all the negativism, my better half seems to be handling this, or I really should say me, pretty well. He introduced me to beef jerky the other day. Yes, I know you’re probably thinking “what?! You never had beef jerky?!” Yes, I never had beef jerky. But I will tell you that I found it to be really good and what is even better: I am getting a package in the mail from my better half himself.

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And now everything seems to be that much more manageable.

Good luck with your day,

Your Editor

Is it a problem when…

he calls me mommy sometimes

Your little brother is with your mother and asks for you instead? I don’t know whether to feel overly good about myself or how bad I screwed myself over with this one or how hard it’ll be for this kid when I move out.

It will be an adjustment for the both of us I can tell you that. He’s practically my child!

I’m holding him in bed now, he’s got fever and a runny noise and half of me is like I do not want to catch whatever he has and the other half of me is feeling so horrible for him. He’s just so not himself.

The other day he heard me talking to my better half and I responded to something funny by saying “oh gosh, hunny”. The next thing I know I hear my little brother say “oh gosh, hunny” and it makes me want to just eat him up.

What a mother does for her kids.

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Once a mother always a mother. Does it count if you don’t actually give birth to them? I think so. After all there are people who cannot have kids and adopt. I suppose any person who experiences that sort of pull for their kids; to put them first, to give, to love, even when they are annoying as hell.

With all that said, I know it may sound a bit weird, but he does feel like my child. So, I am sure it is a bit of a problem when he calls  me Mommy instead of his actual mother, but he gets it right sometimes :).

 

Waiting for another chance

for my Uncle

We called him Uncle, even though he was really our great, great uncle.  Everytime I’d see him he would say “Ohh, how are you??” with his hand shaking in the air and his voice sounding so happy to see me. He always had a big smile on his face and never seem to be anything but happy. He was special.

A month ago, he got sick.

Now, he’s a tall man, broad, short little beard, white hair, hearing aids, but with it, happy, and around 80 years old. But the next thing you know he’s in the hospital with tubes everywhere, his mouth filled with more tubes, so he is unable to talk. He lost so much weight just laying there, helplessly.  His wife is a cute little lady, everytime you see her she’d says “Ohh, how are you??” with her hands reaching to your cheek, always with a smile. Now, I see her repeatedly calling her husbands name, trying to get him to make any sort of moment, lift a finger, answer her, look somewhat alive. Anything. There is so much desperation in her voice, so much pain in it, and a deep sadness because she cannot do anything. She doesn’t know if he’s uncomfortable, she doesn’t know if he needs something.  They tried getting him to write what he wanted to say but one hand is just so swollen he couldn’t even if he tried.

I went to go see him. I hate hospitals. I went and felt weak to my knees when I saw him. No more smiles, no more “Ohh, how are you??” He couldn’t even lift his hand to shake it around. He barely held his head up. When I looked into his eyes it was as if they were screaming for help. I saw the blood bag on the floor and it took everything in me to not pass out. People came in. Talked loud, as if he couldn’t hear. He could, you just couldn’t tell.

Then my grandfather came in. There are best friends since 16. They talk on the phone every day. When he said his name and gave him a kiss on his head you could just see his chest beating faster, he got so excited, there was no facial reaction but his eyes, his body, it was as if he was talking.

Tonight we get a call, they are waiting for my grandfather. They don’t think he’s going to get better, something is just not right. So we’re all here and we are just waiting. Waiting to see if he will stay with us and fight or if he has no more strength to continue. Waiting to see if maybe he can just say “Ohh, how are you??” one more time.

Your Editor

The craziness of life

I decided to just write today, even if it has no meaning or purpose at all, I just have so much on my mind and head that I want to get off.

It’s a crazy week this week, I have a million (okay that is an exaggeration) different family members staying by my house and I have to give up my room and it is just so frustrating. I legit had to move everything out and just organize all my stuff because I don’t need my sister’s husband all over my closet. Not that he’s the type but STILL – so awkward.  Then my mother tells me that I got to finish baking my brother’s birthday cake a week before his birthday because other family members want to be there for the ‘no party, party,’ because there really is no party. Just my cake.

My Pilate’s teacher laughs at the craziness of my life.  Today I told her I could do stand up comedy and I would be so good at it.  Should I tell you why? because my life is so crazy and there would be just so much to talk about. But I guess I should be thankful, don’t get me wrong, I am, just everyone needs to vent once in a while.

You know when you have so much work to do but of things you do NOT want to be doing? and then you have so much work to do of things you DO want to do? Well that is my life right now. Obviously, I do not want to have to deal with everything I need to deal with, which just stresses me out more. The day isn’t long enough. But then again nor is the night and yes, yes, I know: take one thing at a time! but I just can’t help it! I want to get everything done now! I was the girl who the minute an assignment was scheduled I had it done that night, MAX the next day.  Because I just don’t like having a list of things to do.  I like having the ability to choose what I want to do and when. Despite the fact that I have a million different lists.

Anyway my life is about to get even more hectic because my mother, yes my mother, is having her 10th, yes I said the 10th child. Yay me 🙂 It’s great, it’s nice, it’s beautiful, except when I got to raise them and then it’s like if I wanted that, I’d just have my own kids. The truth is she does raise them, just when I get home she can’t handle them anymore (which makes sense after having to deal with them all day, just sucks for me).

I also am a very giving person.  Sometimes I give wayyy too much though and it shoots me in the leg (and I say the leg and not any other part of my body because I can’t do anything that requires my feet afterwards).  So because my cousin is on and off in the hospital, I told my Aunt and Uncle that I’d stop by and entertain their other son. Which of course is happening tomorrow, the same day that a million of those family members and other beings are coming into my house.  But I figured I’d rather not be in the middle of two very pregnant woman, 8 kids under the age of 12, and 6 people ranging from 15-22. Oh wait… I forgot my 80 something year old grandparents (God bless them), and my brothers two friends, and my mother’s sister from Holland and her husband. Where would you rather be?

I miss my better half. At times like these I really wish he was here: 1. it would make my life a thousand times easier and 2. I’d be able to actually have a face-to-face conversation with him which would be so much better because when I’m stressed I make no sense. I am trying to ignore the fact that I have my CPA exams coming up and that I really need to focus on studying. How do people manage all these things?! It is times like this that I really just need to stop everything I’m doing and just take a big, long deep breath and not panic when I’m done.

You know what I miss most? Just sitting down and being able to read a book, with not a care in the world, and all the time on my hands. When we’re kids we are all so busy trying to grow up as fast as we can and now that we are all here it’s like where is my time?

Your Editor

That family.

what you see may not be what it seems

You know those families where there’s a million people walking in and out of the house, half of them live there, and the other half consider it their home? I wouldn’t say exactly that is my family but along those lines.

The thing is there is just sooo many of us. I know I shouldn’t be talking because there are people that cannot have children and others that wish they could of had a sibling.  Sadly, when you grow up with one thing the other thing that you didn’t have just sounds so much better; the grass is always greener on the other side. 

So, like many of us we take out our fake happy self in order to deal with family. If it is because we can’t stand them, or they can’t appreciate us for us, or they always manage to make a fight out of everything, some of us find ourselves just creating a fake picture to present.  It is almost like meeting someone for the very first time… you’re not to open with them and everything about your life is just amazing and great.

That is just sad.

Because family is supposed to be the people you can lean on.  How is it that the people that formed us to who we are today have become the people we try and avoid? Even for good things; why can’t it be that you call your sister and not your best friend first?

There are of course people, or I should say families, that have mastered this ability to actually love everyone inside the family and somehow manage to get along with everyone as well. It takes talent but it also takes simple manners.

When it comes to my family, we all love each other, some more than others…. but to everyone else in the world we are that family. We are the family that looks perfect, acts perfect, does everything anyone needs perfectly, is an endless giving fountain, and a free room and board. It is great. Even if we do not like it, there are people there. Even if it means we are getting kicked out of our room, there are still people there.  Now, don’t get me wrong, it is nice… sometimes. It also teaches us a lot of lifelong qualities about how you should act to others less fortunate than you.

So, there is the good and the bad, like every family and it all really depends where you fall in line and how you choose to look at the whole situation (situation may be the wrong word because a situation usually has a start and an end, with family it never ends).

One thing I am beginning to learn more and more is that you really cannot change anyone and the greatest relief you will have is when you just stop trying to.

Your Editor