More than just afraid of the unknown

when you’re irrationally afraid of something you have never experienced

Where do I begin?

I don’t know what it is about childbirth but I am petrified, most people are though. However, I am afraid at a whole new level. When I found out my sister was pregnant, for about the last 4 months of her pregnancy I had nightmares every night. I would wake up drenched in a pool of my own sweat. I didn’t ever go anywhere with her alone and when I did I held my breath until someone came back or we returned. I couldn’t stand the idea of her water breaking and me being the only one there to deal with the situation. Legit, petrified.

I did a lot of things to distract myself but some nights I was afraid to go to sleep because I didn’t know what nightmare I would have and I didn’t want to think about it anymore.

So, when I had to rearrange all my plans last night and come rushing home to deal with the kids while my parents ran to the hospital, I did my very best to think about everything but my mother. I really don’t know what it is or why I am so afraid. My sister ended up having a very, understatement, traumatic birth experience. I wasn’t there to witness it but gosh her face had red splotches from all the blood vessels she popped.

I haven’t had any nightmares for about 5 months now (about giving birth) and I will not begin to let my mind wander down that road because it is the last place I want to be. My better half mentioned last night that we may need to go for counseling when we get pregnant. I think most people take classes and what not, but he is probably right, I may need a little more breathing lessons than others 😉 .

I guess I will let you know when I get to that point in my life 🙂

Your Editor



be a better person, make the world a better place

A ten-year old hung himself today.

I have so many questions and so many fears.

Tell me how on earth a ten-year old knows how to hang themselves?????! HOWWWW?!

Tell me why this world has reached such lows??????!

Tell me how this could happen to someone so innocent?????

HE IS TEN!!!! You know, the amount of fingers and toes you have?? That is how old this boy….. was.

Tell me how on earth this could happen.

I am beside myself, shocked, afraid, scared. What will the world be like when I have kids? Will it even be still around? Will everyone have either killed themselves or someone else? Will there be no good?

I just don’t get it. I understand a teenager because teenage years are hard and if you’re stuck in a rut it can be hell and at during those years anything is possible. I think that most teens go through suicidal periods, depression, and things of that sort. How far they are in that situation is a different story. Everyone has their time and their place and their story. I don’t know what this child’s story was but I can tell you we all hope it wasn’t anything more than it looked. Who knows?

But now, no one will know. Ever.

And then just like that people are all of a sudden so nice, caring, loving, sweet. But what happened before this? Didn’t you realize they had no money to put food on the table? Didn’t you realize the ten-year old boy’s clothes were torn and dirty? Or that he had no food in his lunch box?

Why has this become the only way people open their hearts instead of their mouths? Everyone likes to talk, point fingers, gossip, assume but when tragedy strikes everyone tries to be the first to pay the electric bill, the first to buy new clothes for the family, the first to just give a damn about what they were all so busy making fun of before.

Tell me how this can possible be the world we live in.

I don’t believe this is why the world was created. I don’t believe that there is no good in the world. I don’t believe how the new norm is suicide before even hitting puberty. What on this earth can be so miserable, can be so horrible, for a child? He was just a child.

I just cannot fathom how something so horrible can take place… but then I take a look at the world around me and sadly, it just became a little easier to understand.

It shouldn’t be this way.

It shouldn’t ever be this way.

No one should ever let it come to this.

Your Editor