A robot

Not even a person

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As the time gets closer to my CPA exam and the wedding I have barely found any time to write at all. Sadly.

I’m a person of simple means that doesn’t require much to please. However, my simple request have been met with such hostility that I feel foolish and small. All I wanted was a cake at my wedding, but for some strange reason I cannot have one. All I wanted was to be able to be prepared by a certain date but for some reason everyone else’s desires come before mine. Am I not the one getting married here? If you didn’t want to give me the attention to begin with then don’t make a wedding I didn’t ask for. But one thing I didn’t want is giving me the option and then taking away my right to have an opinion. It’s my wedding. I get the say on what dress I want to wear. I shouldn’t be cornered and demanded to wear something I do not want. I shouldn’t have to wait three weeks to buy what I need and then forced to take off from work because you couldn’t manage to find any time during the three weeks I told you I was available. Just like it’s not up to you if I want to have surgery now or later. It’s my life, my body, my time. Or at least that is what I thought.

How wrong we can be. How foolish I am to think people who are supposed to matter will actually care. I thought I was smart. I thought this would make things change. Wrong again. Doesn’t seem like I can ever get it right. I guess it is good that I am going away, far away. With no plans to come back so soon. I doubt I will be summoned. Part of me wishes they’d want me back but the gut inside me knows it’s short term and will not last. It is false. The attention is filled with air and as soon as the outsiders leave the room that beautiful picture pops and I am in rags, emotionally and physically. I don’t know why or what it will take to change these things. They say distance, but I doubt the distance across the globe and back infinity times will ever mend the shattered feelings inside me. This time was it all. I’ve waited and built up to this moment yet somehow I wake up with nightmares that sadly, will come true, of what a beautiful day would have looked like only to be destroyed in every way. No one caring or looking at me. No one realizing the stress, anxiety, happiness, rush of emotions to help me get through it. Me being humiliated because no one thought twice of the person it is all supposed to be about.

I used to say I would do anything to change these feelings, to put in everything I have just to be an equal. I have. Now I know that no matter what I put in I will never get there. Do I succumb to their desires and leave my feelings locked away, to cry in a place all alone surrounded by imaginary beautiful moments that I slowly watch shatter? Or do I not care and dig their fight deeper, show them no respect and continue onwards? Either way I lose. But somehow one way will make everyone else happy. Do I do that? I am not that person. I don’t need to make you happy to be happy. I am happy alone and if you wish to join my happy circle you must have the ability to respect me. Me. Not you. It shouldn’t be too hard yet I am pained watching how many people are failing. I should not even give myself the ability to get hurt anymore, you would think I would be numb by now. Somehow when I became a person again I realized my emotions are what enhanced me and my opinions brought me to life. However, it seems that those around me prefer I be a backdrop in life. Void of emotions, expressions, opinions, feelings, and desires. A robot to follow their every needs. Someone to complete someone else’s picture. Don’t ask them about my own because no one would even know what you are talking about.

Your Editor

Don’t ask

I don’t know how to explain it

I can’t say I get it. But I can tell you that sometimes it makes sense. What it is exactly? I will never know. How it makes sense? Don’t ask me that.

Simple yet complex.

You say you want information, you’re curious, however, the water is deep. Thank God you can swim. Or at least that is what you think, but it is far beyond that. Much deeper than that.

What it is you ask? Don’t ask me that.

Curious? Anxious? Nervous? Scared? Aren’t we all. You are no different and I am no braver. Somehow, we are all supposed to manage.

It’s easier to know sometimes what is going on, how to make sense of it all but despite all the information, there is always something left in the dark, purposely or not. Then again, who said ignorance wasn’t bliss?

Don’t ask me how, what, where, when, or who. Just know that I know as little as you know and as much as you will never know. Because who ever said you know what you don’t know, and knowing that much is knowing more than you’ll ever know, was right.

Your Editor

Who said it has to make sense?

Well it doesn’t 🙃

It’s interesting how the older you get you understand more about people and sometimes you just wish you could have stayed young forever.

I am referring to characteristics of a person. For example, I notice that one of my friends is more of a last minute kind of person and it shows in everything. Obviously, you’re probably thinking – duh. The older you get, the more you understand, the more you realize, the more things annoy you. But there’s just something really annoying about understanding why people act and do certain things.

I would personally think that when something exciting happens peoples lazy character traits would drop. I am wrong. Once lazy, always lazy. Or how about the person that rushes. Always, always rushing, you’ll notice it in the way they talk.

Okay enough about all this randomness- what I am really trying to get at is: I dislike how when someone who is more of a get it done kind of person gets held up by someone who procrastinates. I guess it makes sense though because everyone is selfish so if it’s not for them, why work crazy hard or do something out of their nature, like, get it done.

I have my lists, I have all my ideas of what and how I want things done. Why does it have to be held up? I wish I can handle it all myself but when it’s not up to me, I don’t have much option.

So moral of this really pressured post, that makes minimal to no sense at all: don’t let the way people are bother you because you can’t change them.

Your Editor

Words to live by

your attitude comes first

Hey all 🙂

I finally have a few minutes and I wanted to jot down some thoughts and feelings.

First: when there’s a new person at work: pity them. They legit don’t know how to do anything. It takes some people more time than others to get things right. Also, cut the person who is training them some slack because it is not easy!

Second: for the second time in my whole life I actually felt what it is like to have a normal birthday. You see it is the simple things and that’s all it it takes for one to feel special. For example, a cake, a nice card, or even just remembering. I can’t tell you how many birthdays went by where I simply waiting for someone to remember, there’s just too many! Now, I know some families celebrate and some families don’t. Mine happens to be the one where we celebrate for half of them. But you see it’s not equally half… just not so much mine. I don’t know why or how it came to be this way but unfortunately it is. So my advice to you is even if you’re not the richest, don’t have the time, and are not in the mood it really doesn’t take a long time to make someone feel special. It’s not hard also. No need for big parties or wild presents, simple is special too so long as it is meaningful.

Third: ignorance is bliss. Many people say that and many people are still not blissful. I’d like to take that phrase and twist it a bit to mean that ignoring something that bothers you can give you happiness. Now, this obviously applies in many areas. However, I want you to just take note in one area: your health. That can mean a headache, nausea, cold, etc. Feeling anything less healthy than you usually feel can really drain you emotionally and physically. Many days of my life have gone by focusing on the horrible physical feelings, like the exceptionally painful headaches. Yesterday I actually chose to try and ignore my head pains. I didn’t tell anyone, I didn’t focus on it, I simply refused to give my headache any credit. 1. It made me fee better already because I wasn’t overly obsessing over my headache which usually would make it feel worse 2. I actually had a beautiful day yesterday and having a headache was just not part of it and I wasn’t going to let it get in the way. It’s hard sometimes to let it be and try and focus on other things. But trust me, it’s worth it. I heard an interesting phrase from my grandma (no, I don’t know why I am using so many phrases, must be because I cannot sleep) she used to tell her children that she put her head to rest on the bookshelf. It sounds hilarious but apparently back in her day it was some for of ‘medication,’ I put it in quotes because it’s not actually medication like somehow everything today is. The best medicine for any human being is all in the mind. Everyone knows it yet somehow everyone rather drug them self silly and destroy their organs than actually put their brain to work. Anyhow, back to grandma. She used to suffer from severe migraines and could simply not handle it anymore. Part of the way she got over it was by mentally shutting her brain off and figuratively putting her head on the shelf. Now, I am not doctor and this is all my not so humble opinion but let me just tell you that ignorance in this department is truly a blessing.

And last but not least: have a blessed day 🙂

Which reminds me of how my hair stylist answers the question how are you, simply saying “I am blessed”. Now that attitude can take you far 🙂

Your Editor