The balance between mother and person

What category are you part of?

There is a fine line between a mother and a person. I wonder what it will be like for me. I see mothers all around me and it is easy to tell the angry mother from the selfish mother and the loving warm mother from the cold mother.

A mother is in the position to be every type of person out there. There is a time and place for every emotion, what you decide to use in that situation is what mother you become. I met a family of 10 kids that each one can honestly say they have never heard their mother raise her voice. Shocking, I know. On the other hand I know mothers that scream, that is their way of talking. I know mothers that have absolutely nothing nice to say to their kids. There are mothers who only think about themselves and if they want something they get it because they have the position of a mother.

I am not entering motherhood yet but entering marriage makes your mind automatically think about the next stage in your life. I would like to think that I can figure out how to be a well balanced mother; firm when my children need it, always loving and supportive, caring, strong, patient, happy. The list goes on. I want to be able to come home from a rough day at work and file work away in a cabinet and put a smile on my face. If my kid wants to know why after everything I say, be able to respond without getting annoyed. I know a mother who made a hole in her wall because she punched it so hard as a result of her daughter asking why too many times. I want to show my children how to have the proper respect, fear , and love for us. I do not want to create a home where my children are built out of fear. On the other side, I want them to have the level of fear they need to have in order to properly respect. It is all so complex. I think of it as a sound system that has over a hundred different lines that can be leveled up or down yet somehow they are all supposed to evenly match up but when you try matching them up there are always a few that go too high or too low.

We still need to be humans. Until about a few years ago I never thought of my mother as a person, she was my mother. Only when you reach a certain age do you realize your mother has emotions, needs, desires too. It is hard to have kids that do not realize it. The key is to raise them in a way that they know it. I have not figured out how to do that, yet.

We will need to figure out how to balance us and the children (us being husband and wife). It is no longer just us in the marriage. However, one cannot act as though there is no us. First came you, then your spouse, then your kids. You must care for yourself. Once you are at peace, your husband, and last your kids. Balance is the key word here; one cannot be overly obsessed with taking care of just themselves or just their spouse, the sound levels need to match up with the amount you put into each line.

I hope thinking about this now can help me in the future be a well balanced mother to our children.

Your Editor

A broken connection

I guess birth isn’t a strong enough connection

I don’t know what it is, actually I do, I just wish it weren’t true.

Why is it that a parents dislikes the child they are most alike to? It pains me that every time I say tomatoes she is adamant that I am wrong and really it’s potatoes. It’s like there’s not even a slight iota of a chance that I am ever right or that I can ever have my own opinion. If she thinks it’s pretty, it’s pretty. There’s no room to question, think, express. It’s, to be honest, repressing.

And also, sad.

It pains me to see her rushing to help, chat with, laugh with others and yet when I try and carry a conversation it goes flat so fast it was as if I never even spoke. I feel bad too because my better half gets a lot of heat from them as well. I know there’s something against me but I just wish they wouldn’t take it out on him. I know they think little to nothing of me but he shouldn’t be included in that.

if only it could be a world of tomatoes and potatoes.

Your Editor

A letter I wish I can send

you know who you are

Dear very unlucky girl,

I heard you are engaged to my leftovers and I really, really feel bad for you. Not just for you, but for any possible offsprings you may have, my suggestion: don’t have them, at least not with that guy.

I don’t think I need to tell you how crazy he is. I think you already know. It’s sad though because you know it, I know it, your parents and most of the friends that actually care about you, know it. You don’t know me but I care about you. Because I would never want anyone to be in my situation. You may think this is what you deserve, but trust me, you can do better, and you will get better if you just actually gave it a try. With him, it’s impossible to cut the umbilical cord but it is more than necessary. I wish there was someone who can walk you through it. You may think I am crazy, and you most likely disagree with me but if you give yourself just a moment of thought without him you will realize how right I am. How right your mother is for hating him. How right all your friends are when they gave you the nervous look when you mentioned going out with him. Don’t you remember how happy everyone was when you finally broke up with him? We weren’t all putting on a show, we meant what we said, he is crazy. He may be a genius, but he is cruel and heartless. He is selfish, manipulative, uncaring, and rude. He will act as if he loves you now but behind closed doors, he is watching porn and drinking. Soon enough those doors will fall away and you will be living with this monster. You’ll wonder what it is you have done to make him this way but what you will fail to realize, because he has cleverly organized it this way, is that he has been doing this since day one. You’ll confront him, beg him to change, and don’t you worry, he will promise you the moon. But it won’t last, turn your back once and you will have him back at where he was. You won’t trust him to pee with the door shut. Is that the life you want? And what happens when you’re expecting? Suddenly the day you’re in labor he’ll be sober? I doubt it.

Maybe this is the route you want to go, in which case I don’t know what or how to say anything to you because why would you want to do that to yourself? For money? Yes, he’s got millions, but he’s not even half a person. He’s drunk or angry. The world is his but what happens when he finds out it’s not? Do you really think that will go down easily?

He’ll use your body for his pleasures. Make you go in all uncomfortable positions. Make you feel anything but human, dirty, violated. And then he’ll ask for it again. And again. And again. Try saying no and he’ll manipulate you to make yourself believe you want to do it. Before you know it you will lose all of who and what you are. You will have become this unrecognizable, barely human, that is constantly sacrificing of the little that remains a part of you. I don’t know why, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to do this to themselves. I know, however, that you probably don’t realize it. Just like I didn’t. You make yourself believe that the one gift he’s given to you, the one sweet thing he’s said, means a million more than anything else in the world. You’ll convince yourself so much, you will come to believe he does so many things for you. But when you actually look at the facts you will see you have created this imaginative character that is so far from the person in front of you, you will start to believe you are going mad. You will become obsessed with certain things, angry at everyone around you, and completely unpleasant. You will have no self worth because you have allowed him to destroy every part of you.

I wish you can realize this. I wish when I told you to run, you ran. I thought you were through and when I heard you came back crawling a part of my heart tore for you. Because you shouldn’t have to go through what I went through. I thought having him date us both at the same time would have you realize who you were getting into bed with. I thought you seeing how crazy and torn I became from him would be obvious signs for you. I am only sorry that I can’t save you. I have seen myself that only you can save yourself from such evil grasps. No matter what I will say or anyone else will say, it’s only in your hands to realize the monster beside you claiming to be your husband, best friend, and partner is truly the one thing that will destroy you, possibly murder you. I pray you will have a good support system that can save you from the harm he will cause you because it is inevitable. People will call you crazy and send you for help, they will not understand that it is really him and not you. You may end up in a home for crazy people because you will become a harm to yourself but no one will realize it is not you who has made yourself want to hurt yourself but the monster controlling you with words that sound loving but are filled with poison.

I wish I can save you from those hands. I wish I can lock him away and keep the world safe from such horrible things. I wish I was lying, I wish none of this were true and there are many who don’t believe me but that is only because they are too close to see. They have failed to step outside, to distance themselves in order to understand. I however, have removed myself entirely and although it has taken a good few years I can look back and try and warn you of the dangers you are putting your life to.

I know you don’t know me, but trust me he is everything far from the human he claims to be.

Your Editor

Tell me something embarrassing

Promise you won’t laugh?

Tell me something embarrassing  

I was an interesting child growing up: too old for my age, wild, smiley, and full of very awkward moments. One such as the story below:

I had this best friend in preschool and we played all sorts of games. One day during school we were bored so I decided to come up with a new game to keep us entertained. Generally in preschool they have all sorts of toys in a classroom such as kitchen sets, fake food, etc. Being the crazy me that I was (and maybe still am) I told my friend to stick a fake doughnut in his mouth and I would stand a few feet away from him and kick the doughnut out of his mouth. The first few rounds went great, I kicked it, then he kicked it but then when I got to kick again, I guess I kicked a little too hard… because his two front teeth went flying along with the doughnut!

I was extremely in shock and he was screaming from the pain and blood everywhere. The teachers had no clue what it was that caused it and when I tried explaining that we were just playing I wounded up on the floor in the principles office crying my eyeballs out because we were just playing! In the end, I came in the next day with a yellow smiley face shaped bag with black marker eyes and a mouth, filled with fruit roll-ups, gushers, crayons and a coloring book (don’t ask me why I remember all of that). The day after that, I never saw my friend again.

Well… not never but it felt like never. Until one day in high school I find this girl staring at me weirdly, whispering and looking at me, and following me. Later I found out it was my friend’s sister and they had moved back into town. Boy, was I excited. (sarcasm)

My Mother then of course had to run into them at a school function and I had to listen to them laugh at how crazy I was and how watch we’d end up as lovers because I knocked his teeth out.

What do you know, I am engaged to be married to a completely different human being, what are the odds. (sarcasm)

I think it’s more embarrassing for him to say a girl knocked out his teeth than for me to say I did it 🙂 or maybe that’s just my perspective after years of covering my face in embarrassment.

Your Editor

 

Tell me something embarrassing

Promise you won’t laugh?

I have been thinking about this idea for a while and I finally found myself some time to write it all out and actually carry through with it:

Once a week I will have a post labeled “Tell Me Something Embarrassing” where I will write about a time in my life that was awkward, uncomfortable, weird, etc. The point of doing this is to move on in a way. Part of dealing with past experiences and getting over situations that you are embarrassed or ashamed of that happened in the past is to think/talk about them and then play the scenario back but include the things you would do differently. This shows you that 1. if you were put in the situation again your adult self will be able to handle it in a way that doesn’t make you uncomfortable and 2. it helps you get over the situation.

Please do not hesitate to go through this “exercise” of sorts on your own blog, label your post as I did and link it to this post. I find this helped me through situations I was deeply ashamed about and now, though still a bit embarrassed, I am able to talk about it more than I used to. I am not a doctor though, just offering some helpful, creative ways that helped me progress in my life.

For today I would like to share this story:

When I was five years old, kindergarten, I used to finish my homework really fast so my mother to keep me busy would print out sheets herself from other work books and have me do them. One day I walked into class with a pile of homework sheets and gave them out to a few of my friends for homework. It wouldn’t have been awkward if the story ended there… somehow one of the kids actually took it seriously and was struggling with the homework and I guess when his mother asked him about it he said I had given it to him. That led the boys mother to then call my mother and ask for some explanation as to why her daughter was giving out homework. Which then led to my mother rebuking me for doing something like that. It was awkward for me because my mother had to get involved, she was embarrassed and I felt that in the way she told me off and till this day it bothers me that I was so foolish. When I was younger I would block this story from my mind because I couldn’t handle ever finishing thinking about the whole scenario. It bothered me that my friend didn’t understand that he wasn’t supposed to show it to his mother. It bothered me that adults had to be involved. Obviously, I was a kid and didn’t know the difference but if I could go back I definitely would not have handed out work sheets.

Come back for more embarrassing moments of my life sometime next week ☺️

Your Editor