The positive theory

Not so much a theory as a new idea that has yet to be fully developed. But- I sort of had to snap out of being so snappy (pun 🙃) so I took a look at what was making me bonkers:

I found that I was not communicating my emotions as much and instead was keeping things bottled up and I was not very happy. I also noticed that when I did not have a busy or structured day it made me a bit wired and on edge (it also gave me time to concentrate on the negative things). For example, being busy gave me the ability to forget the nervs in my stomach. I did not concentrate on hum much this pill affects my body. However, I did take notice that when I did not let myself think that the pill was in control of me, I gave myself the ability to be in control of the pill, which is just already a start in controlling your life and feeling more focused.

Taking all of the above into my list of fuzes made it much easier to figure out how to stay happy. No more not knowing tomorrow’s schedule or waiting around for people to decide when and what to do. Having things organized keeps my head and body in the same spot and just gives me a sense of direction. That being taken care of I moved on to the next issue: communication. I always struggles with communicating, especially after being in an abusive relationship. Just today I watched a seven year old perfectly communicate over to his mother how something someone told him hurt his feelings and caused him to be upset for a few minutes. He used many things to describe his pain and what caused it and the scenario. I was amazed, one because I could only now do that and I barely come close to that and two because his mother responded with such affection and love that the boy felt secure telling over his feelings and did not feel as though he could not say them. I may have been deprived of that in my life but I certainly see and am learning what it takes to properly communicate how and what I am feeling and to also listen to what someone complaining has to say and to make them feel secure to tell me. It takes a lot of effort and is not very easy but the results are worth it. So part of me being able to communicate better will mean that I better organize my day so that I have time to discuss and actually think about how I feel. This also will allow me to get a decent nights sleep, which I have not been getting but need very badly.

All that being said I hope to try and continue to be in control of my life, feelings, words, and most importantly, actions. I think I finally have my head on straight and can take this on with a smile and love. ☺️

Your Editor

The balance between mother and person

What category are you part of?

There is a fine line between a mother and a person. I wonder what it will be like for me. I see mothers all around me and it is easy to tell the angry mother from the selfish mother and the loving warm mother from the cold mother.

A mother is in the position to be every type of person out there. There is a time and place for every emotion, what you decide to use in that situation is what mother you become. I met a family of 10 kids that each one can honestly say they have never heard their mother raise her voice. Shocking, I know. On the other hand I know mothers that scream, that is their way of talking. I know mothers that have absolutely nothing nice to say to their kids. There are mothers who only think about themselves and if they want something they get it because they have the position of a mother.

I am not entering motherhood yet but entering marriage makes your mind automatically think about the next stage in your life. I would like to think that I can figure out how to be a well balanced mother; firm when my children need it, always loving and supportive, caring, strong, patient, happy. The list goes on. I want to be able to come home from a rough day at work and file work away in a cabinet and put a smile on my face. If my kid wants to know why after everything I say, be able to respond without getting annoyed. I know a mother who made a hole in her wall because she punched it so hard as a result of her daughter asking why too many times. I want to show my children how to have the proper respect, fear , and love for us. I do not want to create a home where my children are built out of fear. On the other side, I want them to have the level of fear they need to have in order to properly respect. It is all so complex. I think of it as a sound system that has over a hundred different lines that can be leveled up or down yet somehow they are all supposed to evenly match up but when you try matching them up there are always a few that go too high or too low.

We still need to be humans. Until about a few years ago I never thought of my mother as a person, she was my mother. Only when you reach a certain age do you realize your mother has emotions, needs, desires too. It is hard to have kids that do not realize it. The key is to raise them in a way that they know it. I have not figured out how to do that, yet.

We will need to figure out how to balance us and the children (us being husband and wife). It is no longer just us in the marriage. However, one cannot act as though there is no us. First came you, then your spouse, then your kids. You must care for yourself. Once you are at peace, your husband, and last your kids. Balance is the key word here; one cannot be overly obsessed with taking care of just themselves or just their spouse, the sound levels need to match up with the amount you put into each line.

I hope thinking about this now can help me in the future be a well balanced mother to our children.

Your Editor

A broken connection

I guess birth isn’t a strong enough connection

I don’t know what it is, actually I do, I just wish it weren’t true.

Why is it that a parents dislikes the child they are most alike to? It pains me that every time I say tomatoes she is adamant that I am wrong and really it’s potatoes. It’s like there’s not even a slight iota of a chance that I am ever right or that I can ever have my own opinion. If she thinks it’s pretty, it’s pretty. There’s no room to question, think, express. It’s, to be honest, repressing.

And also, sad.

It pains me to see her rushing to help, chat with, laugh with others and yet when I try and carry a conversation it goes flat so fast it was as if I never even spoke. I feel bad too because my better half gets a lot of heat from them as well. I know there’s something against me but I just wish they wouldn’t take it out on him. I know they think little to nothing of me but he shouldn’t be included in that.

if only it could be a world of tomatoes and potatoes.

Your Editor

What a week!

and to think it’s only Wednesday…

I won’t start this off apologizing for not writing in almost a week because it was not like I had a minute. Between traveling and getting ready for the holidays and dealing with family, there has been absolutely no time. I have been going to sleep so late that I wake up in the morning dreading getting up. Some days I can’t seem to get out of bed till 9:25 and that’s only because I have to be at work at 9:30. Thankfully, I live five minutes away. However, with my other siblings in town there has been a shortage of cars so I am dependent on someone driving me to work and let me just tell you that they are never around when you need them. Most days this week I didn’t make it in before 10. As if this all wasn’t enough… I somehow got some breast infection. When I say it’s painful, it’s painful. I generally have a high tolerance for pain but oh my God my boob kills. They have been hurting for a while so I ignored it. But when I felt some sort of ball on it, I freaked out. Good that I freaked out because when I walked into the doctor’s office she asked me why I waited so long to come in! Hopefully the antibiotics help and I don’t need any surgery of some sorts. Please God.

Can I just say something though? If my mother hadn’t raised me so ashamed of my body sexually or made me feel like a gross person every time I discussed something to do with my body, I probably would have told her sooner and wouldn’t have been so stressed out. However, since my mother has made me feel like a complete disgusting person when I discuss such things, I refrain from telling her till the last possible second. This time I was lucky though, I didn’t get any nasty remarks just: “what now?” I preferred that. I don’t think im afraid, right now i just want to cry a bit to release some stress, sadly, I barely have the time for that. I am hoping the Tylenol kicks in until the antibiotics are ready because I don’t know how much longer I can handle this.

Things are really hectic here and they are just going to get even more hectic. I just hope that I can somehow find time to type my feelings and thoughts, because I really need it.

Your Editor

Balancing

learn to balance your need for protecting your child with their ability to grow into adults

I don’t know what it is about some parents but at some point they need to learn to cut the cord. You would think that once was a sign at childbirth but no. Maybe I don’t get it because I am not a parent but seriously?!

I get that you want to protect your kids and never want them to get harmed or lose their innocence, but sometimes, keeping them tied to your hip is more harmful than not.

Take a married child for example: they should not be at their parents home more than their own home. It affects their relationship with their spouse.

Some men are ‘mama’s boys’ and they are always crawling back home. This becomes a challenge for their partner/spouse because where do they fit in? I know someone who turns to their parents before their spouse. They view their spouse as…. nothing, to be honest with you I don’t even know how they got married. The spouse has no credibility, they both don’t listen to each other, and they barely spend time together. You may think I am talking about someone who has been married for 10 maybe 15 years…

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They have been married for almost two years. It wasn’t like they spent time dating either or knew each other for five years before they got married. Sadly, it looks like it. Now, I can’t say it’s all their fault, the in-laws aren’t much help either. Once your child is married you don’t get involved in the decisions they make as a couple. If they ask for advice, you can give them your opinion, but that is it!

I may look back on this post when I have my own kids one day and laugh at how crazy I sounded but I really do believe, right now that is, that there is only so much, and so long, that you can control your children.

On the flip side, the younger generations are of a different breed and they are primarily focused on their over-inflated egos, so if their parents are from a bit back, raising them and controlling them becomes a challenge.

Every kid needs a different level of control in order to help them grow into responsible adults. You can’t simply decide that because you can’t control what your child wants, and all they think about is themselves that you will just leave them alone to fend for themselves. No. Put your foot down, make them pay for their car, gas, and other desires that you do not agree with them having. Until they can meet you halfway, meaning say you have certain expectations of your child (which all parents should have because that is what will force your child to think outside their four feet) and your child has not met any of them, and I’m not talking about those parents who expect their child to do everything that when they were a kid, were unable to, I am talking about expecting your child to do their homework, help out in the house, wake up at a reasonable time etc., if your child can not do the bare minimum of your expectations, then don’t meet the bare minimum of their expectations. Depending on what home environment you come from or are building, their expectations will be different. If you have money, the child may expect that they are entitled to certain things, taking away those things will make them stop with the me, me, me, and actually think further than that moment of instant pleasure.

It is sad because it will take these kids late into their life, when possibly their parents are no longer around, to realize “wow, this attitude on life is completely self-absorbed and foolish.”

It is never too late, however, the time wasted can never be brought back. Control each kid the way they need it, in order to make them the best person they can be, not because you can’t bear to see your little baby grow up, you’re ruining them more than building them.

Your Editor

I need some advice

just a daughter craving her mother’s attention

I don’t know what to do. For all of you that are parents, maybe you can help out with this one. If you have a child that reminds you exactly of yourself when you were younger, do you find that you don’t have as good of a relationship with that child?

I guess if you didn’t like the way you grew up and the decisions you made as a kid that would reflect on your liking of your child (especially, if they are doing the same things you did, that you most probably regret).

What happens if you’re the child in this situation? Do you keep trying to have a relationship with that parent?

To be honest: I am tired of trying. I know I’m too young for that, but I guess it is part of being part of the younger generation. Your relationship with your parents is VERY important and I feel like I didn’t get a fair chance just because I am a lot like her. It is true though, I wasn’t the best kid from the age of 12 till 18 BUT before that, I was their best child, did everything for them, gave unconditionally, endlessly, smiled, laughed and then life hit me hard. So… now what?

I have tried everything; being nice, starting conversation, going out of my way, controlling my responses and facial expressions, and a whole lot of other things. It’s not so simple anymore. Often, I feel as though I am willing to try and make things work but then she’s not and then when she is willing to try, I am not. It is like a seesaw.

How on earth are we ever going to be on the same level?

The only way for the seesaw to be even is if everyone gets off of it, how do we disconnect from each other enough to give us even ground to start fresh on? I guess moving out would help change things up a bit. It isn’t very comforting though because it shouldn’t have to be this way. Especially when I see everyone else around me succeeding at it. But I suppose it could be worse, I could not know at all why she felt this way.

We all are given a lot in life and how our life will turn out is dependent on what we do with that lot.

This is mine and though at times I wish it wasn’t, I am happier that it is this than something else because there are a lot worse things that people have to go through than this. I am very blessed, even if I don’t always see it so long as I try to find it I will find some sort of comfort.

But if anyone has ideas… I am open to hearing anything at this point 🙂

Your Editor

 

Is it a problem when…

he calls me mommy sometimes

Your little brother is with your mother and asks for you instead? I don’t know whether to feel overly good about myself or how bad I screwed myself over with this one or how hard it’ll be for this kid when I move out.

It will be an adjustment for the both of us I can tell you that. He’s practically my child!

I’m holding him in bed now, he’s got fever and a runny noise and half of me is like I do not want to catch whatever he has and the other half of me is feeling so horrible for him. He’s just so not himself.

The other day he heard me talking to my better half and I responded to something funny by saying “oh gosh, hunny”. The next thing I know I hear my little brother say “oh gosh, hunny” and it makes me want to just eat him up.

What a mother does for her kids.

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Once a mother always a mother. Does it count if you don’t actually give birth to them? I think so. After all there are people who cannot have kids and adopt. I suppose any person who experiences that sort of pull for their kids; to put them first, to give, to love, even when they are annoying as hell.

With all that said, I know it may sound a bit weird, but he does feel like my child. So, I am sure it is a bit of a problem when he calls  me Mommy instead of his actual mother, but he gets it right sometimes :).