Hello again :)

Boy has a lot happened, hence the obvious lack of posting. There have been a few deaths in the family which have been very emotionally draining and difficult. Living away has made traveling a constant event that sometimes is not too much fun. At the end of the day we all do what needs to be done. Family is there through thick and thin and losing people causes you to realize what and who your family is all about. Yes, we all have our differences but family is family and mine is special. It might even be the disagreements that make us, us, it doesn’t matter- life is only so long, and cherishing the time we have together while we still can is important.

On a bit of a happier note- I took the CPA exam! I know right?! It has been forever (maybe more than 6 months!) but at last I sat on the booth, put those headphones on to block out the noise and did it- with 30 minutes to spare no less!! I hope I passed. I will be in the process of taking the next one and I am pretty sure it won’t take as long as the first one! I haven’t gotten the scores back yet but I am anxiously awaiting. Let me just tell you that the week leading up to the exam made me 10 lbs heavier. I never stress ate so much in my life. My husband laughed at me because I put these really small chocolate chips on a napkin next to me and every time I got a question right (which wasn’t so frequent) I would treat myself to ONE chocolate chip. It was pure torture. But boy, the second I walked out of the test did I feel my shoulders unload a really heavy load. I felt like I can breath again. Also, the exam is more nerves than anything else. It is not knowing what questions you will get, how easy the process to check into the exam is, and a whole bunch of other things. Doing it once really put the process into perspective, because no matter how much you read about it there is nothing like going through it yourself. Boy am I happy that the test is behind me!

Marriage is awesome. It is work but it is good work. It makes you do a lot of introspection and learn how to properly communicate. It is a healthy process, or at least it is for me. It feels as though I am not married, it feels as though it is to good to be true. I look at my husband sometimes and I just am amazed that wow he is actually my husband! It is a funny feeling. It makes me warm inside because he loves me so much, takes such good care of me, and makes me so supper happy. Plus he is handsome so it works ๐Ÿ™‚ it is pleasant waking up to a pretty face.

I am getting on a plane now so that is all I can type out for now. I hope to get back onto my daily posting schedule. Thank you!

Your Editor

Advertisements

Stressful me

I am trying to control it

I have been a stressed out mess lately. Snapping left and right, hangry, impatient, rude and not very pleasant. I must admit that it is probably not very comforting for the man I am about to marry, especially since he is getting the brunt of it. There are days I can only manage to calm down by the time we are heading to bed. There are times where he just leaves me alone because he knows space is the only thing that will calm me. It is not his fault I am angry or stressed.

It is just this pill I am on leaves me in knots in my stomach. I feel as though I am running on empty, impatiently waiting something yetI do not know what. Or maybe I do, I am waiting for our day to arrive, to be distracted from this agonizing pain, from running to the bathroom on spur of the moment because I cannot stomach the contents in me any longer. It is difficult to sleep last night because my stomach has released a large amount of nervous causing my body to not stop working even for a nights rest. An interrupted sleep is not fun.

I start every day with the ambition to control my organs and ignore the anxiety bubbling inside me. It lasts quite well, until someone says the slightest thing to throw me off and within seconds I am very annoyed and thrown off the balance I was trying to maintain. It is not many people’s fault, I think as though they may not realize what is going on inside me. There is a lot to get done still and we are just a few weeks away. I know all will be gorgeous and I will care less of the faults overtime but for someone who is a tad bit controlling and likes to get things done, this wait is certainly adding to my craziness.

These days will soon be gone and I will be disappointed in myself for the attitude I had. This time is supposed to be one of excitement and filled with love and I am deterring that. He loves me dearly though, continues to fight to make me smile and see happiness in it all; it is romantic, it is special. It is disappointing that my reaction is out of control. I seem to have lost the ability to keep my mouth shut and sift through the words before letting them out. I now understand snappy mothers: birth control does dreadful things to people.

We’ll manage it somehow, one day, or find something else to work its magic in its place. There is no fun in being angry and stressed all the time, no fun at all.

Your Editor

What do you say

You just have to do what is best for yourself

Doctors, doctors, and more doctors. I don’t think in all my life I’ve been to so many doctors. Even when I kept collapsing and no one knew why. I am sick yet again. Don’t ask with what or how on earth but I am. And I am failing to remain positive. For that past five months I have been sick 20 out of the 30 days there are in a month. Why? I don’t know. But by now I know That I am allergic to half the antibiotics I have been put on, the strep shot kills. Like hell. Going in it was fine but the after effect had me on the floor, passed out.

Apparently when one has fever you are not supposed to cover them up in blankets to keep them warm because the heat gets trapped around them and causes the fever to stay up. I have gone from freezing to physically sweating in a matter of minutes. And this isn’t even a bad thing, I feel physically pained for those people sick with big diseases. I don’t know how they manage to get up, stay positive, and face another day. I’m being dramatic, I have my moments. But sometimes- when people around me are giving me a hard time- I can’t handle anything and everything is worse off than it is.

It’s pouring here and I just want to go outside and get soaked, sit under the beat of the rain and have my illnesses get washed away.

I’m cancelling my exam, the one I fought so hard to get. I can’t manage it between surgery and not feeling well. My study time is being slept away because I have no energy to get through the material I need to cover. It pains me. But my health comes first. I am not going to try and fight it any more. I possibly could have done it if my family would have respected my study time, and not continuously gave me the role of mother.

Something positive though, because life should never be so negative, my better half has gone above and beyond to make me happy, comfortable, and make sure I am putting myself first. It’s awfully romantic.

I guess that’s just how I have to look at all of this: some good, some bad, and make the good weigh more because it should.

To health ๐Ÿพ

Your Editor

A robot

Not even a person

As the time gets closer to my CPA exam and the wedding I have barely found any time to write at all. Sadly.

I’m a person of simple means that doesn’t require much to please. However, my simple request have been met with such hostility that I feel foolish and small. All I wanted was a cake at my wedding, but for some strange reason I cannot have one. All I wanted was to be able to be prepared by a certain date but for some reason everyone else’s desires come before mine. Am I not the one getting married here? If you didn’t want to give me the attention to begin with then don’t make a wedding I didn’t ask for. But one thing I didn’t want is giving me the option and then taking away my right to have an opinion. It’s my wedding. I get the say on what dress I want to wear. I shouldn’t be cornered and demanded to wear something I do not want. I shouldn’t have to wait three weeks to buy what I need and then forced to take off from work because you couldn’t manage to find any time during the three weeks I told you I was available. Just like it’s not up to you if I want to have surgery now or later. It’s my life, my body, my time. Or at least that is what I thought.

How wrong we can be. How foolish I am to think people who are supposed to matter will actually care. I thought I was smart. I thought this would make things change. Wrong again. Doesn’t seem like I can ever get it right. I guess it is good that I am going away, far away. With no plans to come back so soon. I doubt I will be summoned. Part of me wishes they’d want me back but the gut inside me knows it’s short term and will not last. It is false. The attention is filled with air and as soon as the outsiders leave the room that beautiful picture pops and I am in rags, emotionally and physically. I don’t know why or what it will take to change these things. They say distance, but I doubt the distance across the globe and back infinity times will ever mend the shattered feelings inside me. This time was it all. I’ve waited and built up to this moment yet somehow I wake up with nightmares that sadly, will come true, of what a beautiful day would have looked like only to be destroyed in every way. No one caring or looking at me. No one realizing the stress, anxiety, happiness, rush of emotions to help me get through it. Me being humiliated because no one thought twice of the person it is all supposed to be about.

I used to say I would do anything to change these feelings, to put in everything I have just to be an equal. I have. Now I know that no matter what I put in I will never get there. Do I succumb to their desires and leave my feelings locked away, to cry in a place all alone surrounded by imaginary beautiful moments that I slowly watch shatter? Or do I not care and dig their fight deeper, show them no respect and continue onwards? Either way I lose. But somehow one way will make everyone else happy. Do I do that? I am not that person. I don’t need to make you happy to be happy. I am happy alone and if you wish to join my happy circle you must have the ability to respect me. Me. Not you. It shouldn’t be too hard yet I am pained watching how many people are failing. I should not even give myself the ability to get hurt anymore, you would think I would be numb by now. Somehow when I became a person again I realized my emotions are what enhanced me and my opinions brought me to life. However, it seems that those around me prefer I be a backdrop in life. Void of emotions, expressions, opinions, feelings, and desires. A robot to follow their every needs. Someone to complete someone else’s picture. Don’t ask them about my own because no one would even know what you are talking about.

Your Editor

A broken connection

I guess birth isnโ€™t a strong enough connection

I don’t know what it is, actually I do, I just wish it weren’t true.

Why is it that a parents dislikes the child they are most alike to? It pains me that every time I say tomatoes she is adamant that I am wrong and really it’s potatoes. It’s like there’s not even a slight iota of a chance that I am ever right or that I can ever have my own opinion. If she thinks it’s pretty, it’s pretty. There’s no room to question, think, express. It’s, to be honest, repressing.

And also, sad.

It pains me to see her rushing to help, chat with, laugh with others and yet when I try and carry a conversation it goes flat so fast it was as if I never even spoke. I feel bad too because my better half gets a lot of heat from them as well. I know there’s something against me but I just wish they wouldn’t take it out on him. I know they think little to nothing of me but he shouldn’t be included in that.

if only it could be a world of tomatoes and potatoes.

Your Editor

Life

Who will walk with you?

I haven’t lived that many years but the ones I have, I have learned a lot.

Life is meant to be challenging, that is what makes it, ironically, enjoyable. Without the struggles, life isn’t worth living. Everyone knows it. But feeling it in the moment, is a whole other story.

There are many ways situations in life can go and like everyone knows, it is all a matter of your perspective. Once you have the correct mindset whatever hits you, and I say hits you because life isn’t kind, it will hurt and it will be unexpected, then dealing with it is just a walk in the park.

And what happens if you don’t like to take walks in the park? I would say: too bad because life doesn’t design things that you like.

You will find yourself in many situations that are scary, painful, annoying, difficult. But you will also find yourself in many situations that are happy, fun, loving, pleasurable and other enjoyable moments. Let’s try and remember life isn’t all about the bad or all about the good, it is a balance between that two that makes life special and meaningful.

You may also find yourself looking back at difficult moments and telling yourself that those times were the best things that ever happened to you and made you who you are today. You will say that to yourself when you have the right mindset. The trick is saying it in the moment. Looking back is easy, looking forward is scary, looking at the present is hard, but the only way to live. Many of us are too busy planning, too busy sulking, to busy focusing on everything other than what is right around us causing being in the moment to be close to impossible.

You know this all. We all do. But we all seek to find ways to look everywhere but in front of our feet. So, maybe instead of looking how to feel better with what happened, make a point to try and feel now. Feel what is around you and use a positive mindset to make the current difficulties manageable.

Always remember you may not be in the mood of a walk in the park today but one day you will be, and you will regret all those walks you missed.

Your Editor

You opened it.

And it hurts

I don’t understand how people go through other’s things!

I feel completely violated. I said do not touch it, so DON’T TOUCH IT!! Like, hellooo???! Where has common respect gone?

I don’t care who you are. What you do. Where you come. If it is not yours: You. Do. Not. Touch. It.

It’s not that I am hiding things you can’t see, it’s the fact that it is mine and if I wanted you to see it I would have allowed you too. Okay, well maybe I wrote a few things down that were personal. Doesn’t every person have a right to that? I didn’t think I couldn’t wright down my feelings and that you would snoop.

What hurts the most is the disrespect. I asked you, and you lied to my face, looked me in the eyes and said you didn’t touch it. Guess what? Everyone else told me you did.

Maybe they could all be wrong but it pains me that you couldn’t respect me enough. It hurts a lot. I can’t even say anything to you because you would just make it worse.

Im sad and really pained, I thought our relationship had turned for the better. I didn’t realize we were still holding were we used to be.

Your Editor