What do you say

You just have to do what is best for yourself

Doctors, doctors, and more doctors. I don’t think in all my life I’ve been to so many doctors. Even when I kept collapsing and no one knew why. I am sick yet again. Don’t ask with what or how on earth but I am. And I am failing to remain positive. For that past five months I have been sick 20 out of the 30 days there are in a month. Why? I don’t know. But by now I know That I am allergic to half the antibiotics I have been put on, the strep shot kills. Like hell. Going in it was fine but the after effect had me on the floor, passed out.

Apparently when one has fever you are not supposed to cover them up in blankets to keep them warm because the heat gets trapped around them and causes the fever to stay up. I have gone from freezing to physically sweating in a matter of minutes. And this isn’t even a bad thing, I feel physically pained for those people sick with big diseases. I don’t know how they manage to get up, stay positive, and face another day. I’m being dramatic, I have my moments. But sometimes- when people around me are giving me a hard time- I can’t handle anything and everything is worse off than it is.

It’s pouring here and I just want to go outside and get soaked, sit under the beat of the rain and have my illnesses get washed away.

I’m cancelling my exam, the one I fought so hard to get. I can’t manage it between surgery and not feeling well. My study time is being slept away because I have no energy to get through the material I need to cover. It pains me. But my health comes first. I am not going to try and fight it any more. I possibly could have done it if my family would have respected my study time, and not continuously gave me the role of mother.

Something positive though, because life should never be so negative, my better half has gone above and beyond to make me happy, comfortable, and make sure I am putting myself first. It’s awfully romantic.

I guess that’s just how I have to look at all of this: some good, some bad, and make the good weigh more because it should.

To health 🍾

Your Editor

A robot

Not even a person

As the time gets closer to my CPA exam and the wedding I have barely found any time to write at all. Sadly.

I’m a person of simple means that doesn’t require much to please. However, my simple request have been met with such hostility that I feel foolish and small. All I wanted was a cake at my wedding, but for some strange reason I cannot have one. All I wanted was to be able to be prepared by a certain date but for some reason everyone else’s desires come before mine. Am I not the one getting married here? If you didn’t want to give me the attention to begin with then don’t make a wedding I didn’t ask for. But one thing I didn’t want is giving me the option and then taking away my right to have an opinion. It’s my wedding. I get the say on what dress I want to wear. I shouldn’t be cornered and demanded to wear something I do not want. I shouldn’t have to wait three weeks to buy what I need and then forced to take off from work because you couldn’t manage to find any time during the three weeks I told you I was available. Just like it’s not up to you if I want to have surgery now or later. It’s my life, my body, my time. Or at least that is what I thought.

How wrong we can be. How foolish I am to think people who are supposed to matter will actually care. I thought I was smart. I thought this would make things change. Wrong again. Doesn’t seem like I can ever get it right. I guess it is good that I am going away, far away. With no plans to come back so soon. I doubt I will be summoned. Part of me wishes they’d want me back but the gut inside me knows it’s short term and will not last. It is false. The attention is filled with air and as soon as the outsiders leave the room that beautiful picture pops and I am in rags, emotionally and physically. I don’t know why or what it will take to change these things. They say distance, but I doubt the distance across the globe and back infinity times will ever mend the shattered feelings inside me. This time was it all. I’ve waited and built up to this moment yet somehow I wake up with nightmares that sadly, will come true, of what a beautiful day would have looked like only to be destroyed in every way. No one caring or looking at me. No one realizing the stress, anxiety, happiness, rush of emotions to help me get through it. Me being humiliated because no one thought twice of the person it is all supposed to be about.

I used to say I would do anything to change these feelings, to put in everything I have just to be an equal. I have. Now I know that no matter what I put in I will never get there. Do I succumb to their desires and leave my feelings locked away, to cry in a place all alone surrounded by imaginary beautiful moments that I slowly watch shatter? Or do I not care and dig their fight deeper, show them no respect and continue onwards? Either way I lose. But somehow one way will make everyone else happy. Do I do that? I am not that person. I don’t need to make you happy to be happy. I am happy alone and if you wish to join my happy circle you must have the ability to respect me. Me. Not you. It shouldn’t be too hard yet I am pained watching how many people are failing. I should not even give myself the ability to get hurt anymore, you would think I would be numb by now. Somehow when I became a person again I realized my emotions are what enhanced me and my opinions brought me to life. However, it seems that those around me prefer I be a backdrop in life. Void of emotions, expressions, opinions, feelings, and desires. A robot to follow their every needs. Someone to complete someone else’s picture. Don’t ask them about my own because no one would even know what you are talking about.

Your Editor

A broken connection

I guess birth isn’t a strong enough connection

I don’t know what it is, actually I do, I just wish it weren’t true.

Why is it that a parents dislikes the child they are most alike to? It pains me that every time I say tomatoes she is adamant that I am wrong and really it’s potatoes. It’s like there’s not even a slight iota of a chance that I am ever right or that I can ever have my own opinion. If she thinks it’s pretty, it’s pretty. There’s no room to question, think, express. It’s, to be honest, repressing.

And also, sad.

It pains me to see her rushing to help, chat with, laugh with others and yet when I try and carry a conversation it goes flat so fast it was as if I never even spoke. I feel bad too because my better half gets a lot of heat from them as well. I know there’s something against me but I just wish they wouldn’t take it out on him. I know they think little to nothing of me but he shouldn’t be included in that.

if only it could be a world of tomatoes and potatoes.

Your Editor

Life

Who will walk with you?

I haven’t lived that many years but the ones I have, I have learned a lot.

Life is meant to be challenging, that is what makes it, ironically, enjoyable. Without the struggles, life isn’t worth living. Everyone knows it. But feeling it in the moment, is a whole other story.

There are many ways situations in life can go and like everyone knows, it is all a matter of your perspective. Once you have the correct mindset whatever hits you, and I say hits you because life isn’t kind, it will hurt and it will be unexpected, then dealing with it is just a walk in the park.

And what happens if you don’t like to take walks in the park? I would say: too bad because life doesn’t design things that you like.

You will find yourself in many situations that are scary, painful, annoying, difficult. But you will also find yourself in many situations that are happy, fun, loving, pleasurable and other enjoyable moments. Let’s try and remember life isn’t all about the bad or all about the good, it is a balance between that two that makes life special and meaningful.

You may also find yourself looking back at difficult moments and telling yourself that those times were the best things that ever happened to you and made you who you are today. You will say that to yourself when you have the right mindset. The trick is saying it in the moment. Looking back is easy, looking forward is scary, looking at the present is hard, but the only way to live. Many of us are too busy planning, too busy sulking, to busy focusing on everything other than what is right around us causing being in the moment to be close to impossible.

You know this all. We all do. But we all seek to find ways to look everywhere but in front of our feet. So, maybe instead of looking how to feel better with what happened, make a point to try and feel now. Feel what is around you and use a positive mindset to make the current difficulties manageable.

Always remember you may not be in the mood of a walk in the park today but one day you will be, and you will regret all those walks you missed.

Your Editor

You opened it.

And it hurts

I don’t understand how people go through other’s things!

I feel completely violated. I said do not touch it, so DON’T TOUCH IT!! Like, hellooo???! Where has common respect gone?

I don’t care who you are. What you do. Where you come. If it is not yours: You. Do. Not. Touch. It.

It’s not that I am hiding things you can’t see, it’s the fact that it is mine and if I wanted you to see it I would have allowed you too. Okay, well maybe I wrote a few things down that were personal. Doesn’t every person have a right to that? I didn’t think I couldn’t wright down my feelings and that you would snoop.

What hurts the most is the disrespect. I asked you, and you lied to my face, looked me in the eyes and said you didn’t touch it. Guess what? Everyone else told me you did.

Maybe they could all be wrong but it pains me that you couldn’t respect me enough. It hurts a lot. I can’t even say anything to you because you would just make it worse.

Im sad and really pained, I thought our relationship had turned for the better. I didn’t realize we were still holding were we used to be.

Your Editor

It will only take 3 minutes

It’s worth it 😊

Well… maybe add a few more seconds, so three minutes and a little bit. BUT trust me (if you want to) it is worth it!!

So maybe it’s not an incurable cancer, four tumors, and two heart attacks and maybe it’s a surgery, wisdoms teeth, five root canals, and a cast, it doesn’t matter. It matters if you make it matter. If you have the option, which you do, to make something matter than decide to make what actually matters, matter. Make your positive perspective matter. Make your decision to smile, do something for someone less fortunate than you, or even just put on some lipstick and make yourself feel good. It takes little to make us feel a bit more positive, go the extra two steps and make that change.

I feel like I have discussed perspectives in other posts and I think sometimes I make it sound so simple. The truth is: it’s a challenge. It takes a lot of energy to get up when you really don’t want to. However, the boy in the video was able to do it because he had one thing that was crucial: a good support system. We may not all be as lucky to have a good relationship with a mother, father, sibling, but hopefully everyone has that one person in their life they know they can turn to.

If you don’t, it may be a good time to work on finding that person. If you can’t seem to find them, maybe you’re searching too far and they are really in front of your eyes. Maybe you just need to work to build the relationships you have already. That is for you to figure out.

Be honest and true with yourself because it may one day save your life.

Your Editor

A letter I wish I can send

you know who you are

Dear very unlucky girl,

I heard you are engaged to my leftovers and I really, really feel bad for you. Not just for you, but for any possible offsprings you may have, my suggestion: don’t have them, at least not with that guy.

I don’t think I need to tell you how crazy he is. I think you already know. It’s sad though because you know it, I know it, your parents and most of the friends that actually care about you, know it. You don’t know me but I care about you. Because I would never want anyone to be in my situation. You may think this is what you deserve, but trust me, you can do better, and you will get better if you just actually gave it a try. With him, it’s impossible to cut the umbilical cord but it is more than necessary. I wish there was someone who can walk you through it. You may think I am crazy, and you most likely disagree with me but if you give yourself just a moment of thought without him you will realize how right I am. How right your mother is for hating him. How right all your friends are when they gave you the nervous look when you mentioned going out with him. Don’t you remember how happy everyone was when you finally broke up with him? We weren’t all putting on a show, we meant what we said, he is crazy. He may be a genius, but he is cruel and heartless. He is selfish, manipulative, uncaring, and rude. He will act as if he loves you now but behind closed doors, he is watching porn and drinking. Soon enough those doors will fall away and you will be living with this monster. You’ll wonder what it is you have done to make him this way but what you will fail to realize, because he has cleverly organized it this way, is that he has been doing this since day one. You’ll confront him, beg him to change, and don’t you worry, he will promise you the moon. But it won’t last, turn your back once and you will have him back at where he was. You won’t trust him to pee with the door shut. Is that the life you want? And what happens when you’re expecting? Suddenly the day you’re in labor he’ll be sober? I doubt it.

Maybe this is the route you want to go, in which case I don’t know what or how to say anything to you because why would you want to do that to yourself? For money? Yes, he’s got millions, but he’s not even half a person. He’s drunk or angry. The world is his but what happens when he finds out it’s not? Do you really think that will go down easily?

He’ll use your body for his pleasures. Make you go in all uncomfortable positions. Make you feel anything but human, dirty, violated. And then he’ll ask for it again. And again. And again. Try saying no and he’ll manipulate you to make yourself believe you want to do it. Before you know it you will lose all of who and what you are. You will have become this unrecognizable, barely human, that is constantly sacrificing of the little that remains a part of you. I don’t know why, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to do this to themselves. I know, however, that you probably don’t realize it. Just like I didn’t. You make yourself believe that the one gift he’s given to you, the one sweet thing he’s said, means a million more than anything else in the world. You’ll convince yourself so much, you will come to believe he does so many things for you. But when you actually look at the facts you will see you have created this imaginative character that is so far from the person in front of you, you will start to believe you are going mad. You will become obsessed with certain things, angry at everyone around you, and completely unpleasant. You will have no self worth because you have allowed him to destroy every part of you.

I wish you can realize this. I wish when I told you to run, you ran. I thought you were through and when I heard you came back crawling a part of my heart tore for you. Because you shouldn’t have to go through what I went through. I thought having him date us both at the same time would have you realize who you were getting into bed with. I thought you seeing how crazy and torn I became from him would be obvious signs for you. I am only sorry that I can’t save you. I have seen myself that only you can save yourself from such evil grasps. No matter what I will say or anyone else will say, it’s only in your hands to realize the monster beside you claiming to be your husband, best friend, and partner is truly the one thing that will destroy you, possibly murder you. I pray you will have a good support system that can save you from the harm he will cause you because it is inevitable. People will call you crazy and send you for help, they will not understand that it is really him and not you. You may end up in a home for crazy people because you will become a harm to yourself but no one will realize it is not you who has made yourself want to hurt yourself but the monster controlling you with words that sound loving but are filled with poison.

I wish I can save you from those hands. I wish I can lock him away and keep the world safe from such horrible things. I wish I was lying, I wish none of this were true and there are many who don’t believe me but that is only because they are too close to see. They have failed to step outside, to distance themselves in order to understand. I however, have removed myself entirely and although it has taken a good few years I can look back and try and warn you of the dangers you are putting your life to.

I know you don’t know me, but trust me he is everything far from the human he claims to be.

Your Editor