What do you say

You just have to do what is best for yourself

Doctors, doctors, and more doctors. I don’t think in all my life I’ve been to so many doctors. Even when I kept collapsing and no one knew why. I am sick yet again. Don’t ask with what or how on earth but I am. And I am failing to remain positive. For that past five months I have been sick 20 out of the 30 days there are in a month. Why? I don’t know. But by now I know That I am allergic to half the antibiotics I have been put on, the strep shot kills. Like hell. Going in it was fine but the after effect had me on the floor, passed out.

Apparently when one has fever you are not supposed to cover them up in blankets to keep them warm because the heat gets trapped around them and causes the fever to stay up. I have gone from freezing to physically sweating in a matter of minutes. And this isn’t even a bad thing, I feel physically pained for those people sick with big diseases. I don’t know how they manage to get up, stay positive, and face another day. I’m being dramatic, I have my moments. But sometimes- when people around me are giving me a hard time- I can’t handle anything and everything is worse off than it is.

It’s pouring here and I just want to go outside and get soaked, sit under the beat of the rain and have my illnesses get washed away.

I’m cancelling my exam, the one I fought so hard to get. I can’t manage it between surgery and not feeling well. My study time is being slept away because I have no energy to get through the material I need to cover. It pains me. But my health comes first. I am not going to try and fight it any more. I possibly could have done it if my family would have respected my study time, and not continuously gave me the role of mother.

Something positive though, because life should never be so negative, my better half has gone above and beyond to make me happy, comfortable, and make sure I am putting myself first. It’s awfully romantic.

I guess that’s just how I have to look at all of this: some good, some bad, and make the good weigh more because it should.

To health 🍾

Your Editor

A letter I wish I can send

you know who you are

Dear very unlucky girl,

I heard you are engaged to my leftovers and I really, really feel bad for you. Not just for you, but for any possible offsprings you may have, my suggestion: don’t have them, at least not with that guy.

I don’t think I need to tell you how crazy he is. I think you already know. It’s sad though because you know it, I know it, your parents and most of the friends that actually care about you, know it. You don’t know me but I care about you. Because I would never want anyone to be in my situation. You may think this is what you deserve, but trust me, you can do better, and you will get better if you just actually gave it a try. With him, it’s impossible to cut the umbilical cord but it is more than necessary. I wish there was someone who can walk you through it. You may think I am crazy, and you most likely disagree with me but if you give yourself just a moment of thought without him you will realize how right I am. How right your mother is for hating him. How right all your friends are when they gave you the nervous look when you mentioned going out with him. Don’t you remember how happy everyone was when you finally broke up with him? We weren’t all putting on a show, we meant what we said, he is crazy. He may be a genius, but he is cruel and heartless. He is selfish, manipulative, uncaring, and rude. He will act as if he loves you now but behind closed doors, he is watching porn and drinking. Soon enough those doors will fall away and you will be living with this monster. You’ll wonder what it is you have done to make him this way but what you will fail to realize, because he has cleverly organized it this way, is that he has been doing this since day one. You’ll confront him, beg him to change, and don’t you worry, he will promise you the moon. But it won’t last, turn your back once and you will have him back at where he was. You won’t trust him to pee with the door shut. Is that the life you want? And what happens when you’re expecting? Suddenly the day you’re in labor he’ll be sober? I doubt it.

Maybe this is the route you want to go, in which case I don’t know what or how to say anything to you because why would you want to do that to yourself? For money? Yes, he’s got millions, but he’s not even half a person. He’s drunk or angry. The world is his but what happens when he finds out it’s not? Do you really think that will go down easily?

He’ll use your body for his pleasures. Make you go in all uncomfortable positions. Make you feel anything but human, dirty, violated. And then he’ll ask for it again. And again. And again. Try saying no and he’ll manipulate you to make yourself believe you want to do it. Before you know it you will lose all of who and what you are. You will have become this unrecognizable, barely human, that is constantly sacrificing of the little that remains a part of you. I don’t know why, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to do this to themselves. I know, however, that you probably don’t realize it. Just like I didn’t. You make yourself believe that the one gift he’s given to you, the one sweet thing he’s said, means a million more than anything else in the world. You’ll convince yourself so much, you will come to believe he does so many things for you. But when you actually look at the facts you will see you have created this imaginative character that is so far from the person in front of you, you will start to believe you are going mad. You will become obsessed with certain things, angry at everyone around you, and completely unpleasant. You will have no self worth because you have allowed him to destroy every part of you.

I wish you can realize this. I wish when I told you to run, you ran. I thought you were through and when I heard you came back crawling a part of my heart tore for you. Because you shouldn’t have to go through what I went through. I thought having him date us both at the same time would have you realize who you were getting into bed with. I thought you seeing how crazy and torn I became from him would be obvious signs for you. I am only sorry that I can’t save you. I have seen myself that only you can save yourself from such evil grasps. No matter what I will say or anyone else will say, it’s only in your hands to realize the monster beside you claiming to be your husband, best friend, and partner is truly the one thing that will destroy you, possibly murder you. I pray you will have a good support system that can save you from the harm he will cause you because it is inevitable. People will call you crazy and send you for help, they will not understand that it is really him and not you. You may end up in a home for crazy people because you will become a harm to yourself but no one will realize it is not you who has made yourself want to hurt yourself but the monster controlling you with words that sound loving but are filled with poison.

I wish I can save you from those hands. I wish I can lock him away and keep the world safe from such horrible things. I wish I was lying, I wish none of this were true and there are many who don’t believe me but that is only because they are too close to see. They have failed to step outside, to distance themselves in order to understand. I however, have removed myself entirely and although it has taken a good few years I can look back and try and warn you of the dangers you are putting your life to.

I know you don’t know me, but trust me he is everything far from the human he claims to be.

Your Editor

An unexpected day

when your schedule just doesn’t go your way

I thought today I’d get back to normal… well if you’d call my life normal. But turns out I was very wrong. I finally got to work after working out who will take me because somehow my car is being used by someone other than myself. Okay, so fine, I’m at work and it only takes about an hour and a 45 minute phone call with customer service to get my computer running. Finally able to work and there’s no work to do. I spent the majority of my morning filing HR paperwork, not fun let me tell you. Then I was reminded by the repeated phone calls from my mother that I needed to go to the doctor. Except when I called the doctors office no one seemed to want to pick up the phone. However, my mother being my mother told me to go because the doctor had time now. So I ran/walkedreallyfast to the doctor which is generally a 10-11 minute walk, in about 5 minutes. I show up, they tell me to sit down, they call me in, take my weight, blood pressure, temperature and then I wait. Now, I left work in the midst of a multiple choice question quiz with the intention I’d be back within 30 minutes. It really doesn’t take long to check my breast. That’s what I thought. An hour later the doctor finally graces me with her presence, and I thought she had time, she checks me, prescribes me more meds and an ultrasound. I am not so excited anymore. I walk back to work when I know I should be running because I just took a 30 minute break and made it an hour and I just got back to work today and I was late this morning, but I just don’t have a head to. I get back and my multiple choice question quiz is open waiting for me, I settle down, answer my mother’s repeated questions and finally think I am able to start the clock again for my goal of 20 hours of studying… but nope, here comes actual work. Everything goes back on pause again and I am stuck working the rest of the day.

I had to tell my boss I’ll be out tomorrow morning, which I proudly didn’t even think twice about.

I’m trying to do a million things at once and I forget that what I need the most is to just take a deep breath and give myself a moment to catch up with my legs. My mind and emotions are somewhere else. I have mixed feelings about my mother coming with me to the doctor, I have excitement and anticipation for our wedding, and I have a lot of things I want to get done.

I started looking for cute poses to show the photographer, songs for the wedding dances and the ceremony, dresses, clothes, shoes, jewelry, the list doesn’t end and that makes me happy.

What doesn’t make me happy is I really should be studying and I really should be going to bed earlier and not watching as many Tv shows as I have been. Whatever, as I say: it is what it is, and this time I’ll add that I’m not rushing to change it.

I really was looking forward to having a boring day at work, to work, study, and blog. I miss blogging.

Oh well, there’s always tomorrow.

Your Editor

Sick days & life

it’s just a cold, headache, ear infection, and my period

Growing up in a big family doesn’t always allow you to stay in bed when you’re feeling under the weather, especially if you are one of the older ones. I am now able to make dinner, drive carpool, hold screaming babies, clean the house, and go to supermarket all while having a headache, ear infection (yes, I am one of those adults that get them), cold, and on my period. I guess you can look at it as my parents are doing everything they can to prepare me for raising my own kids.

Without having any kids of my own (yet) I will tell you this:

  • Start your newborns on a sleep schedule ASAP if you don’t want to be up all night with them
  • After 5 months they should not be sleeping in your bed at all
  • Start feeding your baby vegetables before fruits because once they like the sweetness of the fruits they won’t take to eating vegetables
  • Make sure your baby gets play time on the floor, you don’t want to have to always hold the child
  • Never give your child more than two shots at a time; their bodies generally cannot handle more of them, plus I have seen first hand what lifelong damages can be done to a child
  • When your child acts out never call them a “bad boy/girl” because that can cause emotional issues, rather say what you did was not good
  • If your child is crying for one thing and won’t shut up distract them with something else, they will move on within minutes
  • Sometimes you just have to let them scream their head off
  • Don’t yell at your kids not to scream because they are learning to yell from you… you just yelled at them to stop screaming
  • When you want to show your child that you are disappointed in them refrain from meeting eye contact and speak gently, it will teach them not to do it again more than getting angry and hitting them
  • Ask your kids questions that require more than a “yes” or “no” response, it will give you more insight on their day and emotions
  • Make it a point to hug your kids at least once a day, a meaningful hug
  • Never tell your kids that there are no monsters under their bed if they think there are, you will be sending off a message that their fears are invalid, instead make a point to show them that you did not find any monsters but even if there are, you will always protect them. You are now sending off a message that no matter what they are afraid of in life, you will be there to protect them
  • Teach your kids how to read the clock so when they wake up before you want them out of bed they won’t get up (FYI this actually works)

So, when my Fiance gets on the phone and tells me to get in bed because I am not feeling well I try my hardest not to laugh. However, yesterday he did force me into bed where I slept most of the afternoon away and when I woke up, boy did I feel so much better. Therefore, another bullet point I’d like to add to my list is:

  • When your kids aren’t feeling well or you aren’t feeling well, get into bed and let the other people in the house take care of whatever needs to be done, trust me the house won’t fall apart without you while you take a nap

No matter all of this, my mother’s voice will forever ring in my head “just wait till you have your own kids, you’ll see how not everything is so simple.”

I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

Your Editor

Waiting for another chance

for my Uncle

We called him Uncle, even though he was really our great, great uncle.  Everytime I’d see him he would say “Ohh, how are you??” with his hand shaking in the air and his voice sounding so happy to see me. He always had a big smile on his face and never seem to be anything but happy. He was special.

A month ago, he got sick.

Now, he’s a tall man, broad, short little beard, white hair, hearing aids, but with it, happy, and around 80 years old. But the next thing you know he’s in the hospital with tubes everywhere, his mouth filled with more tubes, so he is unable to talk. He lost so much weight just laying there, helplessly.  His wife is a cute little lady, everytime you see her she’d says “Ohh, how are you??” with her hands reaching to your cheek, always with a smile. Now, I see her repeatedly calling her husbands name, trying to get him to make any sort of moment, lift a finger, answer her, look somewhat alive. Anything. There is so much desperation in her voice, so much pain in it, and a deep sadness because she cannot do anything. She doesn’t know if he’s uncomfortable, she doesn’t know if he needs something.  They tried getting him to write what he wanted to say but one hand is just so swollen he couldn’t even if he tried.

I went to go see him. I hate hospitals. I went and felt weak to my knees when I saw him. No more smiles, no more “Ohh, how are you??” He couldn’t even lift his hand to shake it around. He barely held his head up. When I looked into his eyes it was as if they were screaming for help. I saw the blood bag on the floor and it took everything in me to not pass out. People came in. Talked loud, as if he couldn’t hear. He could, you just couldn’t tell.

Then my grandfather came in. There are best friends since 16. They talk on the phone every day. When he said his name and gave him a kiss on his head you could just see his chest beating faster, he got so excited, there was no facial reaction but his eyes, his body, it was as if he was talking.

Tonight we get a call, they are waiting for my grandfather. They don’t think he’s going to get better, something is just not right. So we’re all here and we are just waiting. Waiting to see if he will stay with us and fight or if he has no more strength to continue. Waiting to see if maybe he can just say “Ohh, how are you??” one more time.

Your Editor