The things you do when you are guilt tripped

Don’t you wish you could have stood strong?

I must have said no a dozen times yet I find myself once again doing what I said I wouldn’t do.

Is being guilt tripped really your own problem?

Does it mean you are lacking confidence? Self esteem? Balls?

Does it mean you are a people pleaser?

All I know is I was damn sure I wasn’t going anywhere yet somehow I found myself on a plane… thinking “I can’t believe I am doing this.” What happened in between my hard rock decision and me actually doing the complete opposite? Guilt tripping. It takes talent to put just the right amount of pressure where you’re not coming across as demanding and mean but just enough to bring you over to the dark side. Now, if you are really good at this you know exactly when to stop talking and how to tweak your manipulating speech to your crowd. For someone who does not know how to guilt trip, I find myself being on the receiving end with certain people and it is not fun.

I have confidence, I have self esteem, and I want to have those that are (or should be) important to me, like and respect me. Now, you see when things aren’t done the way they want, feel, think, the guilt tripping starts. That shows two things: 1) they don’t actually respect me for my decisions, and 2) I obviously care too much about how they treat me. However, I am coming to realize that it is a never ending cycle. I can want something, get guilt tripped out of it, internally miserable, everyone shows a few minutes of satisfaction and then moves on, so in the end I am left feeling like I pleased everyone for a total of one minute, the people that actually care about me are now pissed, and I am left cut in two; failing to make myself happy and only given a brief feeling of this guilt trip might have been worth it. Either way I lose, so what is the better route to take?

I have come to a conclusion that many of us know internally and outwardly may express it as well but when push comes to shove, their actions show the complete opposite.

In life you can only strive to make yourself happy. It sounds selfish but the world is filled with selfish people and if one knows that another genuinely doesn’t care about their values they owe no such obligation to compromise on their own happiness to make them happy. At times it may be hard to figure out who really does respect you but over time you are put in situations that help you uncover who is legitimate. The trick here is to not be fooled by the desire of having that person care about you. Often, myself included, we are so focused on wanting that person to care about us that we color the scenarios in our mind to make it feel like they have done nothing but respect us and only after do we realize that we are only fooling ourselves and harming ourselves in the process.

It’s a tricky balance between it all but if one can conquer it and genuinely not care about what others feel about them, they can reach a level of happiness- true happiness.

Your Editor

You opened it.

And it hurts

I don’t understand how people go through other’s things!

I feel completely violated. I said do not touch it, so DON’T TOUCH IT!! Like, hellooo???! Where has common respect gone?

I don’t care who you are. What you do. Where you come. If it is not yours: You. Do. Not. Touch. It.

It’s not that I am hiding things you can’t see, it’s the fact that it is mine and if I wanted you to see it I would have allowed you too. Okay, well maybe I wrote a few things down that were personal. Doesn’t every person have a right to that? I didn’t think I couldn’t wright down my feelings and that you would snoop.

What hurts the most is the disrespect. I asked you, and you lied to my face, looked me in the eyes and said you didn’t touch it. Guess what? Everyone else told me you did.

Maybe they could all be wrong but it pains me that you couldn’t respect me enough. It hurts a lot. I can’t even say anything to you because you would just make it worse.

Im sad and really pained, I thought our relationship had turned for the better. I didn’t realize we were still holding were we used to be.

Your Editor

A letter I wish I can send

you know who you are

Dear very unlucky girl,

I heard you are engaged to my leftovers and I really, really feel bad for you. Not just for you, but for any possible offsprings you may have, my suggestion: don’t have them, at least not with that guy.

I don’t think I need to tell you how crazy he is. I think you already know. It’s sad though because you know it, I know it, your parents and most of the friends that actually care about you, know it. You don’t know me but I care about you. Because I would never want anyone to be in my situation. You may think this is what you deserve, but trust me, you can do better, and you will get better if you just actually gave it a try. With him, it’s impossible to cut the umbilical cord but it is more than necessary. I wish there was someone who can walk you through it. You may think I am crazy, and you most likely disagree with me but if you give yourself just a moment of thought without him you will realize how right I am. How right your mother is for hating him. How right all your friends are when they gave you the nervous look when you mentioned going out with him. Don’t you remember how happy everyone was when you finally broke up with him? We weren’t all putting on a show, we meant what we said, he is crazy. He may be a genius, but he is cruel and heartless. He is selfish, manipulative, uncaring, and rude. He will act as if he loves you now but behind closed doors, he is watching porn and drinking. Soon enough those doors will fall away and you will be living with this monster. You’ll wonder what it is you have done to make him this way but what you will fail to realize, because he has cleverly organized it this way, is that he has been doing this since day one. You’ll confront him, beg him to change, and don’t you worry, he will promise you the moon. But it won’t last, turn your back once and you will have him back at where he was. You won’t trust him to pee with the door shut. Is that the life you want? And what happens when you’re expecting? Suddenly the day you’re in labor he’ll be sober? I doubt it.

Maybe this is the route you want to go, in which case I don’t know what or how to say anything to you because why would you want to do that to yourself? For money? Yes, he’s got millions, but he’s not even half a person. He’s drunk or angry. The world is his but what happens when he finds out it’s not? Do you really think that will go down easily?

He’ll use your body for his pleasures. Make you go in all uncomfortable positions. Make you feel anything but human, dirty, violated. And then he’ll ask for it again. And again. And again. Try saying no and he’ll manipulate you to make yourself believe you want to do it. Before you know it you will lose all of who and what you are. You will have become this unrecognizable, barely human, that is constantly sacrificing of the little that remains a part of you. I don’t know why, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to do this to themselves. I know, however, that you probably don’t realize it. Just like I didn’t. You make yourself believe that the one gift he’s given to you, the one sweet thing he’s said, means a million more than anything else in the world. You’ll convince yourself so much, you will come to believe he does so many things for you. But when you actually look at the facts you will see you have created this imaginative character that is so far from the person in front of you, you will start to believe you are going mad. You will become obsessed with certain things, angry at everyone around you, and completely unpleasant. You will have no self worth because you have allowed him to destroy every part of you.

I wish you can realize this. I wish when I told you to run, you ran. I thought you were through and when I heard you came back crawling a part of my heart tore for you. Because you shouldn’t have to go through what I went through. I thought having him date us both at the same time would have you realize who you were getting into bed with. I thought you seeing how crazy and torn I became from him would be obvious signs for you. I am only sorry that I can’t save you. I have seen myself that only you can save yourself from such evil grasps. No matter what I will say or anyone else will say, it’s only in your hands to realize the monster beside you claiming to be your husband, best friend, and partner is truly the one thing that will destroy you, possibly murder you. I pray you will have a good support system that can save you from the harm he will cause you because it is inevitable. People will call you crazy and send you for help, they will not understand that it is really him and not you. You may end up in a home for crazy people because you will become a harm to yourself but no one will realize it is not you who has made yourself want to hurt yourself but the monster controlling you with words that sound loving but are filled with poison.

I wish I can save you from those hands. I wish I can lock him away and keep the world safe from such horrible things. I wish I was lying, I wish none of this were true and there are many who don’t believe me but that is only because they are too close to see. They have failed to step outside, to distance themselves in order to understand. I however, have removed myself entirely and although it has taken a good few years I can look back and try and warn you of the dangers you are putting your life to.

I know you don’t know me, but trust me he is everything far from the human he claims to be.

Your Editor

Give me a ring

say what?

When I was in high school I had a corny geography teacher. I say corny because he would make corny jokes all the time. For example, when he met his future wife for the first time he knew it was her and told her he’d give her a ring, she got so scared and he responded “you know, a ring, ring, from the telephone?”

It’s kind of weird how everything happens around the same time. My co-worker was telling me how one of her friends got engaged to this rich guy and she practically designed the whole ring by herself. I have met people who do that, they know exactly what they want and they let their significant other know. However, I am not like that. It is very hard for me to decide what I like. You see, I don’t have the greatest taste (well at least that is what everyone says, I am told I have old lady taste… I guess that means when I am older I will actually be in style;) ), so when it comes down to deciding if that dress looks good or the makeup is too much I tend to second guess myself.

My better half originally told me he wanted me to have nothing to do with the ring and he would design and find something himself and I was SO relieved. It becomes so complicating when you look at rings and then you find something you like and you think that is what you’re getting and then you’re handed your ring and it is something completely different and all your hopes go crashing down… So you see I did not want to feel that way, so I was totally fine with having him decide what, when, where, and how. Turns out though he is a little too nervous that I won’t be happy with something he chooses. The truth is I will be happy with whatever he decides because 1. I have no expectations 2. he will have chosen it all by himself and I find that romantic.

Some people have that type of relationship where they tell the person what type of ring they want and others have one where they don’t. I think it says a lot about the relationship you are in. It shows if there are expectations and the way each partner deals with their expectations not being met. It’s a tricky field to be in and all I will say is that I will love that ring even if it is the last idea on this earth of what I had ever imagined simply because it’s a symbol for everything our relationship stands for.

Your Editor

Trust

I just had a feeling that you were trustworthy

Trust. That word is a heavy word. It is filled with so many meanings and applications that it can mean something different to everyone that uses it. However, it is so crucial in every relationship.

There are big scenarios where trust comes in and there are small ones. What I really want to talk about here is how you come to trust someone.

There are people in your life that you trust from the minute you are born, like your family. Then there are people who you may trust from a young age but overtime you grow to not, like your family. And then there are people who life brings your way and you build a friendship with them and along comes the trust area, whether overtime or not. But there are also people who manipulate you into trusting them, and you do, but they are bad, that is for another post.

You trust your family because they are your family. Some people have crazy families though, and as they mature they realize what and who can and cannot be trusted. Trust on the lowest level and the highest level. There is just so much trust brings to your relationships and then there is so much that trust can do to your relationships. The questions, the doubts the concerns, and the sense of knowing that all is okay.

There are people who ask you to trust them and there are people who their actions show you that you can trust them.  As the famous saying goes: actions speak louder than words. When it comes to trust it applies just as much. You cannot expect someone to trust you when you act in ways that show otherwise.  You cannot expect someone to trust you when they catch you lying, cheating, stealing, and even if not directed at them, such actions cause people to lose faith in you.

You trust people who care about you but you also trust people who have potential to care about you. Milliseconds after meeting someone we come up with thoughts on that person and our potential relationship with them.  You may not even realize it but right after you introduced yourself your mind has concluded if you like this person or not and if they can be trusted or not. We seize up others with our eyes and our mind puts everything together. The people we think we like based off our immediate assumption either overtime disappoint us or prove our feelings correct.

During my year abroad I remember summing up a person so quick that before I even realized it I had made up my mind that she was going to be my best friend.  I did everything to follow through with that.  A couple of months later I got hit in the face real hard when I found out she wasn’t trustworthy at all.  All it takes is one big situation to have a complete 360 on your initial feelings.

My suggestion: don’t let your brain try to tell you who is trustworthy, time will tell.

Your Editor