The things you do when you are guilt tripped

Don’t you wish you could have stood strong?

I must have said no a dozen times yet I find myself once again doing what I said I wouldn’t do.

Is being guilt tripped really your own problem?

Does it mean you are lacking confidence? Self esteem? Balls?

Does it mean you are a people pleaser?

All I know is I was damn sure I wasn’t going anywhere yet somehow I found myself on a plane… thinking “I can’t believe I am doing this.” What happened in between my hard rock decision and me actually doing the complete opposite? Guilt tripping. It takes talent to put just the right amount of pressure where you’re not coming across as demanding and mean but just enough to bring you over to the dark side. Now, if you are really good at this you know exactly when to stop talking and how to tweak your manipulating speech to your crowd. For someone who does not know how to guilt trip, I find myself being on the receiving end with certain people and it is not fun.

I have confidence, I have self esteem, and I want to have those that are (or should be) important to me, like and respect me. Now, you see when things aren’t done the way they want, feel, think, the guilt tripping starts. That shows two things: 1) they don’t actually respect me for my decisions, and 2) I obviously care too much about how they treat me. However, I am coming to realize that it is a never ending cycle. I can want something, get guilt tripped out of it, internally miserable, everyone shows a few minutes of satisfaction and then moves on, so in the end I am left feeling like I pleased everyone for a total of one minute, the people that actually care about me are now pissed, and I am left cut in two; failing to make myself happy and only given a brief feeling of this guilt trip might have been worth it. Either way I lose, so what is the better route to take?

I have come to a conclusion that many of us know internally and outwardly may express it as well but when push comes to shove, their actions show the complete opposite.

In life you can only strive to make yourself happy. It sounds selfish but the world is filled with selfish people and if one knows that another genuinely doesn’t care about their values they owe no such obligation to compromise on their own happiness to make them happy. At times it may be hard to figure out who really does respect you but over time you are put in situations that help you uncover who is legitimate. The trick here is to not be fooled by the desire of having that person care about you. Often, myself included, we are so focused on wanting that person to care about us that we color the scenarios in our mind to make it feel like they have done nothing but respect us and only after do we realize that we are only fooling ourselves and harming ourselves in the process.

It’s a tricky balance between it all but if one can conquer it and genuinely not care about what others feel about them, they can reach a level of happiness- true happiness.

Your Editor

A robot

Not even a person

As the time gets closer to my CPA exam and the wedding I have barely found any time to write at all. Sadly.

I’m a person of simple means that doesn’t require much to please. However, my simple request have been met with such hostility that I feel foolish and small. All I wanted was a cake at my wedding, but for some strange reason I cannot have one. All I wanted was to be able to be prepared by a certain date but for some reason everyone else’s desires come before mine. Am I not the one getting married here? If you didn’t want to give me the attention to begin with then don’t make a wedding I didn’t ask for. But one thing I didn’t want is giving me the option and then taking away my right to have an opinion. It’s my wedding. I get the say on what dress I want to wear. I shouldn’t be cornered and demanded to wear something I do not want. I shouldn’t have to wait three weeks to buy what I need and then forced to take off from work because you couldn’t manage to find any time during the three weeks I told you I was available. Just like it’s not up to you if I want to have surgery now or later. It’s my life, my body, my time. Or at least that is what I thought.

How wrong we can be. How foolish I am to think people who are supposed to matter will actually care. I thought I was smart. I thought this would make things change. Wrong again. Doesn’t seem like I can ever get it right. I guess it is good that I am going away, far away. With no plans to come back so soon. I doubt I will be summoned. Part of me wishes they’d want me back but the gut inside me knows it’s short term and will not last. It is false. The attention is filled with air and as soon as the outsiders leave the room that beautiful picture pops and I am in rags, emotionally and physically. I don’t know why or what it will take to change these things. They say distance, but I doubt the distance across the globe and back infinity times will ever mend the shattered feelings inside me. This time was it all. I’ve waited and built up to this moment yet somehow I wake up with nightmares that sadly, will come true, of what a beautiful day would have looked like only to be destroyed in every way. No one caring or looking at me. No one realizing the stress, anxiety, happiness, rush of emotions to help me get through it. Me being humiliated because no one thought twice of the person it is all supposed to be about.

I used to say I would do anything to change these feelings, to put in everything I have just to be an equal. I have. Now I know that no matter what I put in I will never get there. Do I succumb to their desires and leave my feelings locked away, to cry in a place all alone surrounded by imaginary beautiful moments that I slowly watch shatter? Or do I not care and dig their fight deeper, show them no respect and continue onwards? Either way I lose. But somehow one way will make everyone else happy. Do I do that? I am not that person. I don’t need to make you happy to be happy. I am happy alone and if you wish to join my happy circle you must have the ability to respect me. Me. Not you. It shouldn’t be too hard yet I am pained watching how many people are failing. I should not even give myself the ability to get hurt anymore, you would think I would be numb by now. Somehow when I became a person again I realized my emotions are what enhanced me and my opinions brought me to life. However, it seems that those around me prefer I be a backdrop in life. Void of emotions, expressions, opinions, feelings, and desires. A robot to follow their every needs. Someone to complete someone else’s picture. Don’t ask them about my own because no one would even know what you are talking about.

Your Editor

A broken connection

I guess birth isn’t a strong enough connection

I don’t know what it is, actually I do, I just wish it weren’t true.

Why is it that a parents dislikes the child they are most alike to? It pains me that every time I say tomatoes she is adamant that I am wrong and really it’s potatoes. It’s like there’s not even a slight iota of a chance that I am ever right or that I can ever have my own opinion. If she thinks it’s pretty, it’s pretty. There’s no room to question, think, express. It’s, to be honest, repressing.

And also, sad.

It pains me to see her rushing to help, chat with, laugh with others and yet when I try and carry a conversation it goes flat so fast it was as if I never even spoke. I feel bad too because my better half gets a lot of heat from them as well. I know there’s something against me but I just wish they wouldn’t take it out on him. I know they think little to nothing of me but he shouldn’t be included in that.

if only it could be a world of tomatoes and potatoes.

Your Editor

Life

Who will walk with you?

I haven’t lived that many years but the ones I have, I have learned a lot.

Life is meant to be challenging, that is what makes it, ironically, enjoyable. Without the struggles, life isn’t worth living. Everyone knows it. But feeling it in the moment, is a whole other story.

There are many ways situations in life can go and like everyone knows, it is all a matter of your perspective. Once you have the correct mindset whatever hits you, and I say hits you because life isn’t kind, it will hurt and it will be unexpected, then dealing with it is just a walk in the park.

And what happens if you don’t like to take walks in the park? I would say: too bad because life doesn’t design things that you like.

You will find yourself in many situations that are scary, painful, annoying, difficult. But you will also find yourself in many situations that are happy, fun, loving, pleasurable and other enjoyable moments. Let’s try and remember life isn’t all about the bad or all about the good, it is a balance between that two that makes life special and meaningful.

You may also find yourself looking back at difficult moments and telling yourself that those times were the best things that ever happened to you and made you who you are today. You will say that to yourself when you have the right mindset. The trick is saying it in the moment. Looking back is easy, looking forward is scary, looking at the present is hard, but the only way to live. Many of us are too busy planning, too busy sulking, to busy focusing on everything other than what is right around us causing being in the moment to be close to impossible.

You know this all. We all do. But we all seek to find ways to look everywhere but in front of our feet. So, maybe instead of looking how to feel better with what happened, make a point to try and feel now. Feel what is around you and use a positive mindset to make the current difficulties manageable.

Always remember you may not be in the mood of a walk in the park today but one day you will be, and you will regret all those walks you missed.

Your Editor

Hey all…

There’s no reason but the truth

No, I didn’t get abducted and disappear from the world, I simply got lost… or something like that 🙂

So update on my life, here goes:

I am all over the place. Between kids and flying from here to there and back again, and then the doctors. More doctors and then the same doctors and then all over again. LOL it never ends. But hey, it can be worse!

Somehow my days are filled with everything and nothing at all. It’s funny what God does for you. It’s like he really does know what it is and how it is that you need. I can’t tell you I understand it at all, but I’d be a fool not to admit to seeing it.

In the span of such a short few days, a life was created and a life was lost. I don’t know what was more bittersweet than to be surrounded by such opposite spectrums of the world. I can’t say I am ecstatic and I can’t say I am in pain, all I can say that within this very moment I am surrounded by both life and death, causing everything in between to fit precisely in between the two. It’s odd but beautiful. Challenging but rewarding. I’d say see for yourself but sometimes that objectively is hard to find.

Be careful though, every moment is filled with so much… it can all just blow up before you even realize.

Tread lightly and don’t let it all pass you. Try and make it last because what’s gone will never come back.

Your Editor

Defining moments

only you are in control of who you become

We are all humans, even if we try to pretend to not be.

There isn’t one person more perfect than the next. One may have better qualities than another, but to say that someone is better than someone else is false. We are the only ones that can tell us how good we are. We are the only ones that can limit our full potential. Everyone has a history, everyone has some defining moment in their life where if that wouldn’t have happened they would not be where they are today (good place or bad). We decide if we want those moments to define us.

You know when people go through situations such as abuse, rape, and things that someone does to them, we all can agree that we can’t blame the victim. However, there comes a certain point in a victim’s life where they begin acting as the victim, and that is where the victim decides how their life will go. No, you can’t blame a kid for being molested by an adult. Yes, the kid will do certain things in life because they have been messed with, that maybe other kids wouldn’t do. But when that kid becomes of an age where they can decide to play the victim card or stand up for themselves, that is when the real defining moment takes place. It is how they decide to use life experiences.

I would have never become who I am today without going through everything that I did, so in a way I needed those situations to happen to me. In the beginning, and still sometimes now, it’s SO much easier to play the victim card; you don’t have to try so hard to get anything. However, it wasn’t me. Let me explain: someone is born and their life is normal and as they grow up something bad happens in their life and for that time period they are someone who is a victim to something bad, but then that moment ends either ten minutes later or 5 years later, and that someone has a chance to try to be themselves again or someone better than themselves, but continuing to be the victim would mean that they are continuing whatever it is that was done to them. I know it sounds easy to say, and some may think what am I talking about but let me just say that I have been there, done that, and it is no place anyone wants to be.

Most victims don’t realize what was done to them, and in a way it is good and bad. For example, if someone never knew that they were molested they may never understand why they act and react a certain way. However, if that person knew they may be able to control certain scenarios in their life and work on themselves to not let what happened to them control their life. When I finally understood what I went through in life I felt bad for myself, I blamed things that others considered weird on it and didn’t own up to situations that I had full control of. I was letting my abuser control my life further. I was giving everything to him, and in a way, more than what he had actually taken. You see, when someone does something to another person it’s that moment or those years, but what happens after that is in their own hands. Yes, people can say that abused people can’t control themselves, and I agree as well as disagree. Everything that I am aware of I can control and that means so can anyone else. And that also means I can work on everything that I am aware of and that will make the things that I am unaware of either better or come out of hiding. I have it easy, I have someone in my life who knows me and when things don’t seem like myself he helps me realize what I am unaware of. Others may have to spend hours analyzing themselves and their actions to try to figure out what will trigger them and why they react a certain way. I am not saying that I do not do that, I just don’t do it to the extent that others may. However, one thing that I did realize is that I pitied myself and I used that pity to dig myself deeper into the pit I was thrown in. Once I realize I was hurting myself, in a way more than the abuser, I had to stop. It is one thing to have someone mess up your life, it is another thing to continue to ruin your own life. There is always tomorrow. There is always another moment, another chance, to correct, to fix, to grow, to learn, to love. If I stayed where I was consumed by hatred for what had happened to me, consumed by the disgust I felt, I would not be planning my wedding today to a healthy, stable young man.

Don’t let yourself actually become a victim. I know it sounds horrible to say move on but it really is one of the only ways to actually move on. You have to be ready to just put everything all behind you, who cares what happened, who cares why, who cares when. Now is the time to not let it define you, not let it become you. Yes, they did a horrible thing to you but you will do a more horrible thing to yourself by letting what they did actually become you.

Your Editor