Your first love example

what is love?

No matter who you are in the world your first view on love is your parents. Your parents to each other, your parents to you, your parents to your siblings, your parents to their relatives and so on. Your parents have a big affect on how you perceive love.

And then comes your own relationships: with your friends, with friends of the opposite gender, and with other people you encounter in your life.

However, love in all these relationships is different. If you have a great relationship with your parents, their love life will have an impact on you.  As you get into your teenage years, getting along with your parents just never works out (or at least for most people), and that is where the relationships you have with others comes into play.

I grew up hearing my parents love story every weekend at the dinner table, to whatever new guest we were having that week.  It was an exciting story: they had a moment, and then two years later, on their very first date, my dad got down on one knee and asked my mother to marry him.  Now, it wasn’t religion that caused him to propose so fast, it was simply because he knew she was the one: so why the hell wait? Everyone loved their story, including, and especially me. I am a lot like my mother and I grew up hearing her say it a lot, so I knew I was going to have the same love story as she did.

When the first boy came along, I convinced myself so much that he was the one, I didn’t even allow myself to think about all the obvious signs of why this was such a bad idea.  Five horrible, long distant years later and I have come out with such a contorted view on relationships, happiness, and especially love.

Having such a high, beautiful experience of love ingrained in you distorts your view on love as it means to you.  The love of others can never be for you.  You need to learn to find love the way you need it, not the way others found it.  It is definitely hard to distinguish the two when you are so young, and it only becomes so much more complicated when you actually have an opinion and self-worth.

My one and only has taught me my first love example, not my parents love example, not a book or movie love example, but an example for myself, one that is only mine.

Who has given you yours?

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Finding the color

finding what to be happy about

I am not the typical pessimistic person but I can tell you that when things get tough it takes a lot for me to see the light.

Or at least it used to.

And then I met the one. Now, I’m not saying that solves everything but he had a different perspective. I saw grey spots, he saw grey spots with a white circle directly in the middle. It takes a lot for a person to have the ability to do that.

I used to try really, really, really hard to see the colors in my past relationship and I somehow always found something. Looking back, now in a stable healthy relationship, I realize I shouldn’t have had to try so hard to find something worth fighting for.

That is crucial to know.

I remember sitting in some science class in high school writing “I love you” a million times over on my paper, at some point my friend sitting next to me turn to me and said: “why are you trying to convince yourself.” After that I realized she was right. I didn’t love anything about him. In fact, I seriously despised him, was very afraid of losing the idea of him, but was so relieved after I did: I didn’t have to try so hard to be happy.

Now, the bright colors come naturally. They are what I see more often then darkness and that is comforting in every sense of the word.

Once you have found the colors that make you happy, hold on to them; trust me, it will be a struggle when you lose sight of them.

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Putting a label on it

when did you and me start calling ourselves us?

Relationships, friendships, acquaintances, or whatever you want to call it suddenly become something else when there’s a label on it. How do you know you are ready for that: 15 Signs You’re Ready to Put a Label on Your Relationship

Some people it just happens to over night, others months later, and for some it just never gets there.  There is something that clicks into place when you and me suddenly became an us. It is more than just that tho; the label of us brings us to a whole new level of responsibilities within the relationship and individually.

Most often people who have begun seeing each other often will not discuss what they are calling their time together and generally the girl’s friends will tease her about being in love and she will naturally defend that position.  On the guys side, they will most probably find themselves hearing about how they are never around for guys night anymore because they are so busy with this mysterious girl.

Girls in this situation will have their ears perked up for any moment the guy will introduce them to someone, in hopes that they will hear the guy reply “and this is my girlfriend —,” and when they do not hear it, you can almost see their heart drop.  But of course we cannot show him that…!

Now a question for all of you: Why the hell not?! Why can’t he know that you want to be something more? What do you expect to wait around until he makes the first move? You will never get anywhere! Guys need something to feed off of. For example: in “Pride and Prejudice,” Jane Bennet is deeply in love with Mr. Bingley but her lack of expression causes Mr. Darcy to convince Mr. Bingley that Jane did not feel the same. Only after Jane’s heart is broken does she realize what a fool she has been.

So tell me this: why not be honest and save the heartache? Yes it may be hard if one person in the relationship does not feel the same, but one will never know if they are wasting their time or not, if they never open their mouth to ask.

Have a conversation.  Bring some clarity into your friend zone life and see where it takes you.

Also – if you do not want anything more than just to be friends (which i believe is simply impossible but that is for another post) make sure the other person in the relationship is well aware of that, and that means don’t play flirt: it won’t bring any good.

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That first moment…

make a moment last longer than just a moment

Today I asked a friend of mine how she met her fiance of 13 years and she responded: “well I was staying by a cousins house and he had to go pick up a friend from the airport, so he said I can either wait for him to get back or come with him.  I decided to go with him, and the minute I shook his friend’s hand we both knew that was it for both of us.”

Sound great, no? Except that moment is just a moment in all of the many moments, and many more moments that can/will/would have happened after that one moment.  However, in the moment it may sound, feel, or seem great for a few minutes, maybe even seconds.  What comes after that moment is a different story.

It took my friend two years after that moment to actually start a relationship, which is odd since she did say they both knew that was it at that moment. Why then wait? Well, like everything else in life, time seems to go by faster than we think and before we know it we are consumed in something completely different and our minds have put that special moment in the filing cabinet labeled: Question Mark. Because who knows after all what that moment could bring (especially when you don’t give it a chance).

It’s hard to hold on to those initial feelings, should you explore them? should you not? and then all of a sudden we are bombarded with a million “what ifs” and then in almost an instant we have reached a multiple of conclusions (depending on what type of person you are): if you are generally positive you may end up with an overload of positive ideas and emotions and if you are generally a pessimistic person you may end up thinking a lot of dark, depressing thoughts.  That is not to say that you could have very well reached no conclusion at all, in which case, your fate is in your hands.

Somehow the answer to how this will end up is in that moment.  A bit ridiculous how years of a relationship are all dependent on that one moment. But once you have come to that realization that moment will somehow mean so much more.

You think my friend knew that moment was really the moment? No. She can only say that looking back 15 years, the one moment that explains 13 years of a relationship, hard work, and endless commitment, is that moment they shook hands.

Now wouldn’t you look at that moment differently in the actual moment had you known it could be so amazing?

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