Waiting for another chance

for my Uncle

We called him Uncle, even though he was really our great, great uncle.  Everytime I’d see him he would say “Ohh, how are you??” with his hand shaking in the air and his voice sounding so happy to see me. He always had a big smile on his face and never seem to be anything but happy. He was special.

A month ago, he got sick.

Now, he’s a tall man, broad, short little beard, white hair, hearing aids, but with it, happy, and around 80 years old. But the next thing you know he’s in the hospital with tubes everywhere, his mouth filled with more tubes, so he is unable to talk. He lost so much weight just laying there, helplessly.  His wife is a cute little lady, everytime you see her she’d says “Ohh, how are you??” with her hands reaching to your cheek, always with a smile. Now, I see her repeatedly calling her husbands name, trying to get him to make any sort of moment, lift a finger, answer her, look somewhat alive. Anything. There is so much desperation in her voice, so much pain in it, and a deep sadness because she cannot do anything. She doesn’t know if he’s uncomfortable, she doesn’t know if he needs something.  They tried getting him to write what he wanted to say but one hand is just so swollen he couldn’t even if he tried.

I went to go see him. I hate hospitals. I went and felt weak to my knees when I saw him. No more smiles, no more “Ohh, how are you??” He couldn’t even lift his hand to shake it around. He barely held his head up. When I looked into his eyes it was as if they were screaming for help. I saw the blood bag on the floor and it took everything in me to not pass out. People came in. Talked loud, as if he couldn’t hear. He could, you just couldn’t tell.

Then my grandfather came in. There are best friends since 16. They talk on the phone every day. When he said his name and gave him a kiss on his head you could just see his chest beating faster, he got so excited, there was no facial reaction but his eyes, his body, it was as if he was talking.

Tonight we get a call, they are waiting for my grandfather. They don’t think he’s going to get better, something is just not right. So we’re all here and we are just waiting. Waiting to see if he will stay with us and fight or if he has no more strength to continue. Waiting to see if maybe he can just say “Ohh, how are you??” one more time.

Your Editor

Twisted

balance your giving and taking, it’ll make your life a happier place

Life is full of unexpected events.

Today was a good day but it was twisted. I was happy but sad. Enjoying myself but knew deep down I was suffering. It was twisted. I didn’t enjoy it very much but yet there were some moments I thought were precious: that FaceTime call, baking cookies with my little cousin, playing with my little sister, and feeling proud about my fruit tart :).

So why was it so twisted? Let me just tell you this: the world is filled with givers and takers, you can be either or, but very few people are both. When you are surrounded my takers your life can either feel completely empty or somewhat full. Meaning: if I give because I know you will appreciate that I am giving, my life becomes a somewhat full life but if I am giving knowing your taking will never end, my life has just become completely empty.  I give. Unconditionally, except when I am being used dry and then I just cannot take it anymore. You can’t blame me, I am tired of being used. But some people just don’t know their boundaries, you give and they want more, and more, and more, and oh did I mention that they want more? So you see today was a beautiful day because I just let it not get to me: the fact that people are taking everything out of me. It is not as horrible as it sounds when you read it but it is quiet a not so great feeling.

I love to bake so when I was asked my automatic response is: yes. But call me crazy, I was sort of expecting a “thank you,” or anything for that matter? I get it, you needed the cake and you didn’t have time to do it but then shouldn’t it mean so much more to you that I went and did it for you? Call me crazy (don’t worry, you wouldn’t be the first) but I was sort of expecting something.

Now you’re probably thinking well she’s probably not really a giver but a giver that is giving only to take and my reply to that thought is: no. I give without expecting in return. Then why did I expect something here? Well maybe it’s because this person has a tendency to be passive aggressive (Dr. Perry has a good post on the character traits of this type of person), she takes, takes, takes, and makes me very not happy. She doesn’t just take what I give her, she thinks everything is hers and she can take whatever she wants, whenever she wants WITHOUT ASKING! You don’t do that. After saying no soooo many times to her, you would think she would be at least somewhat appreciative when I said yes.

I am learning now, or trying to, to balance a giver and taker, because there is no reason in the world why you can’t be both. Saying thank you is just proper etiquette, not even expectations.

That was just five minutes of my day. The rest of it had some twisted moments but I am focusing on being positive, not with her though, I don’t need to try and convice myself that she’s changed when she probably never will.

Wish me luck, she’ll be here all weekend.

Your Editor

OXOXO

give me love the way I need it

I say that, you say XOXO.

Who cares?

You do. But guess what? Now every time I say it I make sure to say it my way because I know it gets to you.

I’m smiling. You would be too.

It is times like these, moments like these, words like these, that just make us, US. 

Have your own language, find things that make both of you smile and laugh.  I watched this movie where the ‘thing’ they had together was she wanted a kiss on the nose from him.  So when they argued she would just tap her nose and she’d make him kiss her again and again until it felt just as it would when they weren’t fighting.  It is like having those words that you just can’t say them angrily: bubbles, giggles. Try yelling bubbles, see how far you get without hearing how ridiculous you sound.

There is a book that talks about the 5 love languages that people have and can I just ask why there can’t just be one?!! The book is a very good book but still—– it is hard to have different love languages.  I guess that is how you know when you really love someone; you really got to go out of your comfort zone and do what makes them happy. If you have any friends that are getting married or even in relationships, it is a great present.

But back to what I was saying… I think everyone should know what language they speak, this way if they feel like they are not getting what they need from their partner they could see if maybe their partner isn’t speaking the language they need to hear.

How do you discover that?

I’ll tell you how I did. I realized that my better half and I needed different things when we possessed any sort of emotion. For example, if he did something sweet for me I would show a bunch of different facial expressions in the moment, freak out, hug him, thank him and love whatever it is he did for me. However, he didn’t feel like I cared for it much because I didn’t express to him in words at the moment, later on in the day, or even a week later that I had very much valued what he did for me.  At first this was hard to get used to because 1. I never used to express how I was feeling, I just never knew how to put my words into feelings, 2. you have to really know a lot of different adjectives to not sound like a parrot. Now though, I am an almost expert at it; I can tell you how much I appreciated what you did for me in so many different words.  It takes a lot of practice. A lot of time. A lot of conversations trying to figure out what it is that would make him or me feel loved. I’d same my love language is easier than his but that is just because I am not used to verbally expressing how I feel. I am very physical. I like to be hugged, kissed, cuddled, brought something sweet, or anything of that nature. Pour me a cup of water and it will make me feel good inside.

Anyway, after I searched the words “OXOXO,” I realized he’s right and it is “XOXO.” But what if I want to give you a hug first and then a kiss?

I guess that’s just my love language.

Your Editor

 

The craziness of life

I decided to just write today, even if it has no meaning or purpose at all, I just have so much on my mind and head that I want to get off.

It’s a crazy week this week, I have a million (okay that is an exaggeration) different family members staying by my house and I have to give up my room and it is just so frustrating. I legit had to move everything out and just organize all my stuff because I don’t need my sister’s husband all over my closet. Not that he’s the type but STILL – so awkward.  Then my mother tells me that I got to finish baking my brother’s birthday cake a week before his birthday because other family members want to be there for the ‘no party, party,’ because there really is no party. Just my cake.

My Pilate’s teacher laughs at the craziness of my life.  Today I told her I could do stand up comedy and I would be so good at it.  Should I tell you why? because my life is so crazy and there would be just so much to talk about. But I guess I should be thankful, don’t get me wrong, I am, just everyone needs to vent once in a while.

You know when you have so much work to do but of things you do NOT want to be doing? and then you have so much work to do of things you DO want to do? Well that is my life right now. Obviously, I do not want to have to deal with everything I need to deal with, which just stresses me out more. The day isn’t long enough. But then again nor is the night and yes, yes, I know: take one thing at a time! but I just can’t help it! I want to get everything done now! I was the girl who the minute an assignment was scheduled I had it done that night, MAX the next day.  Because I just don’t like having a list of things to do.  I like having the ability to choose what I want to do and when. Despite the fact that I have a million different lists.

Anyway my life is about to get even more hectic because my mother, yes my mother, is having her 10th, yes I said the 10th child. Yay me 🙂 It’s great, it’s nice, it’s beautiful, except when I got to raise them and then it’s like if I wanted that, I’d just have my own kids. The truth is she does raise them, just when I get home she can’t handle them anymore (which makes sense after having to deal with them all day, just sucks for me).

I also am a very giving person.  Sometimes I give wayyy too much though and it shoots me in the leg (and I say the leg and not any other part of my body because I can’t do anything that requires my feet afterwards).  So because my cousin is on and off in the hospital, I told my Aunt and Uncle that I’d stop by and entertain their other son. Which of course is happening tomorrow, the same day that a million of those family members and other beings are coming into my house.  But I figured I’d rather not be in the middle of two very pregnant woman, 8 kids under the age of 12, and 6 people ranging from 15-22. Oh wait… I forgot my 80 something year old grandparents (God bless them), and my brothers two friends, and my mother’s sister from Holland and her husband. Where would you rather be?

I miss my better half. At times like these I really wish he was here: 1. it would make my life a thousand times easier and 2. I’d be able to actually have a face-to-face conversation with him which would be so much better because when I’m stressed I make no sense. I am trying to ignore the fact that I have my CPA exams coming up and that I really need to focus on studying. How do people manage all these things?! It is times like this that I really just need to stop everything I’m doing and just take a big, long deep breath and not panic when I’m done.

You know what I miss most? Just sitting down and being able to read a book, with not a care in the world, and all the time on my hands. When we’re kids we are all so busy trying to grow up as fast as we can and now that we are all here it’s like where is my time?

Your Editor

Emily Kelly

not giving up when it becomes hard

The New York Times posted an article written by Emily Kelly about her husband’s situation.

First I’d like to start with: WOW.  I don’t know if it just because the younger generations are made up of people that give up before even trying but Emily Kelly really does not give up.  I have never been in a relationship with someone famous but I figure it is probably a lot harder than a typical one; everything you do is on display.

I was listening this morning to Shannon talk about how she is just tired of putting on an act for people. Life is hard enough as it is to then have to put a smile on for everyone and make everyone laugh! It reminds me of that new show that Amazon Prime is streaming:  The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, her life is a mess yet and that is what she talks about on the stage and everyone is laughing.  In a way that is how we deal with our hard situations; we make a joke out of it and feed off other people’s laughter.

Back to Emily….

I am sure there were moments where she felt like this wasn’t fair to her and she didn’t deserve this, nor did her kids, but at the end of the day she did everything she could to help her husband.  She went to doctor after doctor (and that really is not easy), moved the whole family, and got hurt by her own husband.  It is not easy to remember that someone is just not okay and that is why they say certain things that are painful.  In life today we expect so much from people that we cannot fathom how they can act like that and when we put in a small bit of effort and it doesn’t show results we get even more upset because ‘how could they do this to me! and I tried so hard!’ But you obviously didn’t try hard enough.

She writes in her article:

It wasn’t until I joined a private Facebook group of more than 2,400 women, all connected in some way to current or former N.F.L. players, that I realized I wasn’t alone.

Becoming a part of a group of people going through similar situations made it easier. It gives you a sense of you’re not doing this alone, there are other people out there in the world that are hurting, maybe even in situations worse off than your own. You hear about support groups for people in relationships with recovering addicts of all sorts but not as much as you hear about support groups for the people with the actual problem.

Everyone is in some situation that is affecting them, sadly the world has become a place where we cannot show those pains without being diagnosed with a disorder.  Why can someone just need a hug and not a bottle of pills? I’m rambling here sorry…

I look up to Emily Kelly how she was able to say the truth. There were times they fought and times that were beautiful but at the end of the day, she put her feelings aside and looked at the bigger picture. She realized the man she loved was in pain and hurting and even though he never may have verbally expressed it, she uncovered it. She didn’t let the sharp words cause her to give up but rather she fought for who she believed in and now she is fighting for a greater cause; expressing her pain to make others aware of it.

Shannon talked about her pain to make others know that they weren’t alone.

Not giving up, talking about how you feel, not only helps your relationships and others around you but also yourself. So even if you were a completely selfish person, sharing your pain may bring about more good than you realize.

Your Editor

 

When you have food stuck in your teeth

**hands covering face** how could I have…

You know when you meet someone for the first time and then after they leave you feel all jittery and then you look in the mirror and check your teeth…. and you have food in them, and not just a small piece but like a big one? That feeling where you just want to kick yourself.

I am a very talented person and sometimes in not the best areas; I can’t keep my mouth shut.  I just don’t stop talking. I have gotten better, don’t get me wrong, but I’m still pretty bad. Everytime I say too much I get that same feeling as if I had something in my teeth and didn’t realize.  Except having something in your teeth is something people don’t make that big of a deal about, whereas saying something you probably shouldn’t have could cause a bit more issues.  As I said… I am just really very talented.  These moment happen so often that I can’t even remember one because there is just too many.

Anyway, back to meeting that person and kicking yourself because you should have not said that, or done that, or should have said that but didn’t, the possibilities are endless.

The feeling that I want to harp on though, is when you have that kicking feeling and then they still come back it’s like: 😀 (the biggest smile in the world!) .  Especially if you liked the person. It also shows you something about that other person: that they realize it could have been you on nerves, you not thinking straight, you making a mistake, and to have someone in your life from the first moment you meet understand that you make mistakes but that doesn’t make you, you, is a real blessing.

You hear a lot of stories about people that do something unexpected on their first date and the other person is just like “this is not for me,” but doesn’t even give them a chance to explain.  People do not care anymore that it was an accident, they just care about themselves.  Often you will find people not even confronting the situation. I’m just like; helllooooooo, just ask?! Legit, what is there to lose? It is awkward enough with the big elephant in the room, why on earth won’t you just confront it? It WILL defuse the situation. Trust me, I know.

My better half always lets me bring up that ‘awkward comment’ I made but if I don’t and he thinks I’d do it again without realizing, he’ll let me know, just as he would let me know that I have food stuck in my teeth.  It is more for me than him, and that is the point in your relationship where you realize you have someone special.

When your mother pinched you under the table while you were talking it was because you were embarrassing her, when he gives you the eyeballs or changes the conversation real quick so that no one can harp on what you just said, you know it is because he is stopping you from embarrassing yourself.

Your Editor

I miss you

come home already

I guess it is a good thing when you still can miss someone so much after so long (pun intended). There are just so many moments that go by where I just look around as if searching for him, to catch his eye, to share an acknowledging look with.  I don’t ever want to know what it feels like to not be able to meet your eyes.

Life apart teaches you how much you should value life together. Even the moments where you argue, it is all a thousand percent worth it.  But can I just say that I miss you? I miss seeing your face in the morning and when I try and FaceTime you seems like poor connection always gets the better of us.  It is like the distance isn’t far enough that the missed calls, the ‘failed to send’ messages, and the horrible Wifi just needs to add more space between us.  In a way it makes finally seeing you so enjoyable.  But in another way, waiting is pure torture.  I have found distracting myself to be of some assistance but it doesn’t last long. What does help is thinking of you and finding creative ways to make you smile, even if it is from a million miles away.  It is finding the quotes that say: I miss you as much as a bitch misses the point. The things that make me laugh because I know you will laugh too. Our love is strong and that is what fuels us, but what satiates my missing pains?

Looking at old pictures, moments, special letters is so bittersweet; you never know if you should smile or cry. Not letting it get the best of you is so damn hard. You suddenly notice that couple sitting on the far right corner of the bus and that is all you can see. That is all that your world is made up of. Then you take a deep breath and try and distract yourself only to find your eyes somehow keep going back to that couple on the far right corner of the bus.

Marry me?

Your Editor