Long distance

being positive about missing your other half

I must say it is a challenge.

When you tell people you are in a long distance relationship you see their face frown a bit and they say: “oh I’m sorry, long distance sucks.” Then you take a deep breathe and you respond, almost as if you need to defend yourself, your relationship.

I started off saying it is a challenge —  but what exactly is?

To me it is the times I have to go to a wedding, party, work event by myself because my better half is so far away.  To me it is hard because sometimes I just want to give him a hug and smell his smell or I just want to cook him something and see him smile.  It is hard to express yourself when you are so far apart but it sure as hell improves your communication skills.

That is one thing that comes out of long distance that I don’t think other relationships have (if you have the type of long distance relationship that I’m talking about).  I have learned to express myself in so many different ways over texting, emojis, emails, you name it and it all really does improve face-to-face communication.

There is also a certain excitement and anticipation when a trip to see each other is planned, something that you wouldn’t get if they lived just a short car drive away.

But I won’t deny that there are many tough times, however, we do not let them overpower us. We choose to focus on the fun FaceTime calls. The emoji conversations. The sweet emails to wake up to.  It is all a matter of perspective.

I remember how sad and lonely I was when he left town, it was almost as if there was nothing worth doing until he came back.  But life must go on so when I finally was able to take myself out of the longing and missing phase and into the let’s be in the moment phase- my missing him was much stronger and more positive, and something that gave us energy not dragged us into fights.

Many people express their views on long distance relationships how it won’t last or other negative thoughts. I believe that it really depends on the people in the relationship: how committed are they? How will they direct their love energy?

It takes a lot of creativity to keep long distance fun and full of emotions but all those letters, packages, thoughts, sweet good morning emails really do give you a push to put one foot in front of the other and focus on just enjoying your time together, even if it is miles apart.

Your Editor

Friends?

is there a thing as being just friends?

That numbing feeling when the sound of those words touch your eardrums. If you feel that let down after hearing those words, remember: J.K. Rowling said it right: It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. Do not keep the what ifs buried inside you: speak up.  Express that you want something more.

No relationship can last without communication, and that is an understatement.

Being friends with the opposite gender can be complicated.  It may first start out mutual with both sides but at the end of the day one person is going to be putting a little more into the relationship and waiting on the other end for something more. What people fail to implement is boundaries. Except now-a-days boundaries makes everything more exciting because there are limitations and room to explore things that should be off-limits.

I’d like to think that we can all be grown-ups and everyone can just mind the space they have been blessed with, but, no, that has been proven close to impossible.  Which is sad, being that impossible is made up of the words: I’m possible. But that is for another post….

Friends.  It is a hard balance when it is with the opposite gender, and now with society changing the way it is, within the same gender. People take nonverbal expressions to mean things others don’t mean to say.  It becomes a conflict of she is acting one way but her words say otherwise, or anything along those lines to cause people to get confused and over think.

Many have had long successful relationships with the opposite gender but find me one that at some point one person felt something more and was shut down, or one person made a move and the other stood their ground, or they both enjoyed a moment but it was followed with we shouldn’t have or it was an accident we just weren’t in the right frame of mind (mind you- the person that starts that line is usually the one who didn’t feel anything more and the person who agrees with it is generally the person who just had their dreams crushed).

I’d like to say don’t enter into that battle field, but we all know that that is completely impossible. However, what I can start with is this:

  • set boundaries
  • Be friends with someone who respects you because they will respect your boundaries
  • if you find yourself feeling unhappy where you are, don’t just let it be, either make things right or change what needs to be changed (and no one can help you with that because no one but yourself knows what you want and need most)
  • if your opposite gender friend is your go-to person before your relationship partner, there may be something you want to figure out before it ends in hurting people you care about

Keep it classy, as they say.

Your Editor

 

Being blessed

looking beyond yourself

It takes losing something to realize how blessed and lucky we truly are.

It shouldn’t be that way.

We all take advantage of the time we get in this world with those we love until that day: the day someone gets killed in a crash, falls and becomes paralyzed, or some other tragedy takes place. God sends us a scare- we panic, realize what we have, make every moment count, but then time goes on and the scare fades in our minds and hearts and it later becomes a passing event.

I remember in my year abroad I was in a three car crash, our car was the middle car. Thankfully we all survived but every day after that crash I remember facing the day differently. I tried to make everything matter and everything count because I didn’t know when the next thing could happen. Now, why don’t we just live life realizing what we have? Why don’t we realize how much our significant other tries to make us smile? or tries to do something right for us and we take it the wrong way?

We get so caught up in the moment, in how I currently feel, in what is bothering me, it’s all about ourselves until we finally look beyond what our eyes can see and realize there is a whole world out there.  Only then can we recognize how much he/she does for me.  Only then do we realize “wow, am I so grateful to have someone so caring, special, unique, in my life.”

I like to wake up every morning and thank God for at least three things I am blessed for. It starts my day on such a positive note, it makes me look for things in my life that keep me happy, especially the people I have around me.

Look around every once in a while, see the world in someone else’s shoes, smile at a stranger, do something sweet for your spouse; it will not only make them happier but it will also make you feel blessed.

Your Editor

 

Your first love example

what is love?

No matter who you are in the world your first view on love is your parents. Your parents to each other, your parents to you, your parents to your siblings, your parents to their relatives and so on. Your parents have a big affect on how you perceive love.

And then comes your own relationships: with your friends, with friends of the opposite gender, and with other people you encounter in your life.

However, love in all these relationships is different. If you have a great relationship with your parents, their love life will have an impact on you.  As you get into your teenage years, getting along with your parents just never works out (or at least for most people), and that is where the relationships you have with others comes into play.

I grew up hearing my parents love story every weekend at the dinner table, to whatever new guest we were having that week.  It was an exciting story: they had a moment, and then two years later, on their very first date, my dad got down on one knee and asked my mother to marry him.  Now, it wasn’t religion that caused him to propose so fast, it was simply because he knew she was the one: so why the hell wait? Everyone loved their story, including, and especially me. I am a lot like my mother and I grew up hearing her say it a lot, so I knew I was going to have the same love story as she did.

When the first boy came along, I convinced myself so much that he was the one, I didn’t even allow myself to think about all the obvious signs of why this was such a bad idea.  Five horrible, long distant years later and I have come out with such a contorted view on relationships, happiness, and especially love.

Having such a high, beautiful experience of love ingrained in you distorts your view on love as it means to you.  The love of others can never be for you.  You need to learn to find love the way you need it, not the way others found it.  It is definitely hard to distinguish the two when you are so young, and it only becomes so much more complicated when you actually have an opinion and self-worth.

My one and only has taught me my first love example, not my parents love example, not a book or movie love example, but an example for myself, one that is only mine.

Who has given you yours?

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Finding the color

finding what to be happy about

I am not the typical pessimistic person but I can tell you that when things get tough it takes a lot for me to see the light.

Or at least it used to.

And then I met the one. Now, I’m not saying that solves everything but he had a different perspective. I saw grey spots, he saw grey spots with a white circle directly in the middle. It takes a lot for a person to have the ability to do that.

I used to try really, really, really hard to see the colors in my past relationship and I somehow always found something. Looking back, now in a stable healthy relationship, I realize I shouldn’t have had to try so hard to find something worth fighting for.

That is crucial to know.

I remember sitting in some science class in high school writing “I love you” a million times over on my paper, at some point my friend sitting next to me turn to me and said: “why are you trying to convince yourself.” After that I realized she was right. I didn’t love anything about him. In fact, I seriously despised him, was very afraid of losing the idea of him, but was so relieved after I did: I didn’t have to try so hard to be happy.

Now, the bright colors come naturally. They are what I see more often then darkness and that is comforting in every sense of the word.

Once you have found the colors that make you happy, hold on to them; trust me, it will be a struggle when you lose sight of them.

Your Editor

Putting a label on it

when did you and me start calling ourselves us?

Relationships, friendships, acquaintances, or whatever you want to call it suddenly become something else when there’s a label on it. How do you know you are ready for that: 15 Signs You’re Ready to Put a Label on Your Relationship

Some people it just happens to over night, others months later, and for some it just never gets there.  There is something that clicks into place when you and me suddenly became an us. It is more than just that tho; the label of us brings us to a whole new level of responsibilities within the relationship and individually.

Most often people who have begun seeing each other often will not discuss what they are calling their time together and generally the girl’s friends will tease her about being in love and she will naturally defend that position.  On the guys side, they will most probably find themselves hearing about how they are never around for guys night anymore because they are so busy with this mysterious girl.

Girls in this situation will have their ears perked up for any moment the guy will introduce them to someone, in hopes that they will hear the guy reply “and this is my girlfriend —,” and when they do not hear it, you can almost see their heart drop.  But of course we cannot show him that…!

Now a question for all of you: Why the hell not?! Why can’t he know that you want to be something more? What do you expect to wait around until he makes the first move? You will never get anywhere! Guys need something to feed off of. For example: in “Pride and Prejudice,” Jane Bennet is deeply in love with Mr. Bingley but her lack of expression causes Mr. Darcy to convince Mr. Bingley that Jane did not feel the same. Only after Jane’s heart is broken does she realize what a fool she has been.

So tell me this: why not be honest and save the heartache? Yes it may be hard if one person in the relationship does not feel the same, but one will never know if they are wasting their time or not, if they never open their mouth to ask.

Have a conversation.  Bring some clarity into your friend zone life and see where it takes you.

Also – if you do not want anything more than just to be friends (which i believe is simply impossible but that is for another post) make sure the other person in the relationship is well aware of that, and that means don’t play flirt: it won’t bring any good.

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That first moment…

make a moment last longer than just a moment

Today I asked a friend of mine how she met her fiance of 13 years and she responded: “well I was staying by a cousins house and he had to go pick up a friend from the airport, so he said I can either wait for him to get back or come with him.  I decided to go with him, and the minute I shook his friend’s hand we both knew that was it for both of us.”

Sound great, no? Except that moment is just a moment in all of the many moments, and many more moments that can/will/would have happened after that one moment.  However, in the moment it may sound, feel, or seem great for a few minutes, maybe even seconds.  What comes after that moment is a different story.

It took my friend two years after that moment to actually start a relationship, which is odd since she did say they both knew that was it at that moment. Why then wait? Well, like everything else in life, time seems to go by faster than we think and before we know it we are consumed in something completely different and our minds have put that special moment in the filing cabinet labeled: Question Mark. Because who knows after all what that moment could bring (especially when you don’t give it a chance).

It’s hard to hold on to those initial feelings, should you explore them? should you not? and then all of a sudden we are bombarded with a million “what ifs” and then in almost an instant we have reached a multiple of conclusions (depending on what type of person you are): if you are generally positive you may end up with an overload of positive ideas and emotions and if you are generally a pessimistic person you may end up thinking a lot of dark, depressing thoughts.  That is not to say that you could have very well reached no conclusion at all, in which case, your fate is in your hands.

Somehow the answer to how this will end up is in that moment.  A bit ridiculous how years of a relationship are all dependent on that one moment. But once you have come to that realization that moment will somehow mean so much more.

You think my friend knew that moment was really the moment? No. She can only say that looking back 15 years, the one moment that explains 13 years of a relationship, hard work, and endless commitment, is that moment they shook hands.

Now wouldn’t you look at that moment differently in the actual moment had you known it could be so amazing?

Your Editor